Letter From God

Tonight I decided that I was so exhausted that I would get to bed early. I had to wake up early for a physical therapy appointment this morning, came home and napped before work and then ended up falling asleep during a movie with my fam. I got in bed around 9:30, yet I am still up now (12:30am).

I think that now I am so exhausted that I can’t sleep. There’s too much going on throughout my mind and I can’t relax now.

I decided to go on YouTube and look up different videos and came across this one. It is really amazing and really worth the time to watch.

I have never been huge into my faith and try as hard as I can sometimes, but then it passes and I forget again. It’s a really bad cycle to be in. God is the ONE person who is ALWAYS there to listen. No. Matter. What. So why don’t I put my trust in him? Why don’t I go and talk to him when things get rough instead of just sulking alone in my room? He will always listen and always care. I can have conversations with him at anytime and any place. So I really need to start thinking of that instead of feeling lost and alone. I am never alone. God is always there.

This video was a wake up call! I hope some others appreciate it as much as I do :) Have a good night!

So Thankful

This post is dedicated fully to the person who is keeping me going right now. She is a girl who I haven’t known long…at all. But she gets me. I get her. I would never have thought a few months ago that she would be the one who was here for me. NEVER.

I have known her all throughout high school but no one is the person that they look like on the outside. “Don’t judge a book by its cover” is a phrase commonly referred to and I totally understand it now. She never looked like the kind of girl who I would hang out with and become good friends with, not in a bad way, but we just seemed very different. These days I am learning the total opposite. We share a lot of the same thoughts and feelings towards certain aspects of life. I have absolutely loved getting to know her over the past few months and can see this friendship lasting for years to come*. This girl has asked me to hang out. She wants to see me and enjoy this summer with me. I continue to see posts on social networks of teens with their group of friends all hanging out and having a great time. So far the only person I have actually hung out with is her. No one else wants me around in this state of being. She listens to me and gives me some of the best advice. I know that I can go to her if I need to (I actually did Thursday night when things were really rough. She wanted me to come to where her and her boyfriend were so that I wasn’t alone. She wanted to hear what was going on, which usually I do not express through words to anyone, but I felt comfortable enough to do so. I knew she was there for me and genuinely wanted to listen.) and I am there for her as well. So far this journey has provided me a lot of low points but she is definitely one of the highs. I am SO thankful that she reached out to me back in February through Twitter of all things. She cares. She listens. She isn’t scared of what has happened. She wants to be around me. She is the best thing that could have happened right now and I am so happy with her in my life :) I may not be here if it weren’t for her reaching out and becoming the friend that I had lost in everyone else around me.

Lots of love sent your way if you’re reading this post! (And you know who you are!)

*Most of the friendships that I have made in this journey have been brief. The person tells me that they are “there” for me and within a few weeks (maybe a few months in some cases) they are gone from my life. We no longer talk and no longer share our experiences with one another.

Caught Off Guard

 

Text from me to him, June 20th, 7:30pm: “I know I keep messaging you and its embarrassing on my part but for real are you free tonight? I really need someone. And someone who understands”

Subtweet from me about him at 2:02pm today: “I still can’t get over the fact that you didn’t reply to my text. I chose you of all people and you couldn’t find it in you to reach out.”

Text from him to me at 3:02pm: “I’m sorry. I kept getting the vibes that you liked me an I got scared to be put in that situation so I tried running from it but didn’t really think of what my actions caused. I leave for [different country] in 3 minutes until Aug 9. name a day between Aug 10 an 20 an we for sure will talk! I’m sorry”

Wow. I was so frustrated that I was willing to subtweet someone who really cared about me in the past. I threw him under the bus for everyone else to wonder: Hmm I wonder who she is talking about? I felt forgotten, rejected and ignored. I felt that what we had a few months ago had been demolished and I couldn’t figure out why. I sent him a few messages that he never replied to. Then when I really needed someone (Thursday night) he wasn’t there for me anymore. I felt deserted and alone. I was confused. What was stopping him from responding? What had I done wrong? When we hung out that one time did I do something that turned him off? Had I said something that gave him a new and bad image of me? I just couldn’t fit the pieces together. Now it all makes sense. I did give him the wrong message. I did screw things up. I never expected him to see something on Twitter and actually act in response to it. I’m happy he did because now I know what happened. Now I understand why he didn’t want anything to do with me. I gave him the wrong idea. I was pulled into his life since he cared about me and was willing to listen to my struggles. He always provided me some great advice and we knew how to laugh and have a good time as well. I was amazed that a guy wanted to talk to me, help me and hang out. Now he’s gone until the end of the summer. He got on a plane and is off. I’m left without him once again. He’s in another country and I have absolutely no idea if we can be in contact. I want to work things out and make sure he knows I haven’t developed those type of feelings for him. I just want a friend back in my life again. We had 3 minutes to talk and it is still left on edge. I’m not entirely sure where to go from here. I’ll wait for him to get in contact with me I guess and hopefully we will be able to work out a time later in August to talk, catch up and mend our friendship back into what it was before.

I Gave In To Myself

Yep, didn’t go to dance today. I gave in. I decided I was “sick” and “couldn’t go” and my mom didn’t question me otherwise. I didn’t want to go so I didn’t go. Now I really should have, but I didn’t and already made the decision and now the day is done. I can’t change it now.

There are so many thoughts running through my head right now. I am going a little crazy and am confusing myself with them all. I do not know where to focus my attention or what is important or not. I am also confused as to which thoughts I am thinking because they are truly there or if I am thinking them up so they are there. (That probably makes no sense, but there are times when I start thinking of something, such as self harm or suicide, and I don’t know if I am thinking them and then take notice of the thoughts, or if I “want” to be thinking about such things so make myself think of them…hopefully someone understands me).

Last night my friend and I had a slight misunderstanding. This afternoon she texted me and apologized. This is HUGE for me, since I am always the one to regret my actions first and voice my thoughts on doing so therefore it was nice to receive the text this time around. Things are fine now as I knew they would be. She means the world to me and something little like last night could never tear us apart. We know so much about one another that no one or else only a few others know. We know each others secrets and we have formed a tight trust with each other. So I mean that’s that.

This post is so random and probably makes absolutely no sense to anyone else, but it is good to express what I am feeling since I haven’t really talked with anyone today. I have been in 2 text conversations today: 1 in regards to my nannying job (therefore strictly business) and the other with the friend as previously mentioned which has died away now. My dad has been at work, my sister and mom were off doing their own things all day as I lay out in the sun. I have had little conversation with anyone besides my music (which gets me through everything, so I guess I can’t complain too much about that aspect of it). It’s days like these that get me more depressed truth be told. I love talking with people and hanging out. I hate being in a room all day, or just at my house, but these days I don’t even know who to contact to do something. Most of my life is awkward relationships with other people soo…yep. I should really say goodnight and just get to bed soon.

Speaking of which though I have been thinking of changing my username. Any thoughts on that? I realized that I don’t really know if I am Strong Til The End anymore. I am an insomniac, late night thoughts poster…no longer a strong and determined to do better girl, so we’ll see where this thought takes me. If I decide on a change I will let you know it is coming. Okay…goodnight. I should really get off now.

Umm…

So tonight my dance teacher contacted me and told me that if I wanted to get back into shape and start dancing again that I would have to appear at class tomorrow and take it. Me being the thoughtful person I generally am agreed on the spot. When the phone call ended I instantly burst into tears. What have I gotten myself into? I can’t dance tomorrow, there is NO way. I haven’t danced fully in 6 months. I am out of shape. I am fat. I am insecure. I am scared. I am afraid of judgement and embarrassment. I CAN’T DO THIS! I really have no idea what I am going to do tomorrow because I have cried at least 5 times tonight. I have been on edge and having a slight anxiety attack. I really truly can’t do this. I don’t want to take class in front of 8-10 other girls. I don’t want to and I really don’t think I can. I of course haven’t told my parents this though so if I leave tomorrow I may have to go somewhere else and just pretend that I went to the studio and took class. I have to get over this bump in the road eventually if I ever want to dance again, but this is not a good time. Not on top of my worsening depression once again. Not good…not good at all.

Inspiration

 

This picture literally describes my life. I was born premature (10 weeks/ 2.5 months early) and made it. The only road blocks in my life have been epilepsy (diagnosed and gone within 3 years) and now this depression. Neither of which though were related to the fact that I was born a preemie. I have fought since day one and I need to continue to keep on fighting. Whether it is with how I feel about my body, how my friends are treating me, how I am struggling with my relationship with my parents, whatever it may be I need to fight on. I was born a fighter and I will continue on til I make it out having fought and put everything on the edge to make it where I want to go.

Over The Cliff I Go

When that moment hits there is not much to be done. Nothing seems to lift your mood, no one can make you smile for more than a split second until you remember what you felt just a little bit ago. It is a feeling that can be impossible to explain and may come completely out of the blue with no one instance to point at as to be the origin. It feels like complete shit. You feel lost, alone, confused, ready to cry, possibly ready to die, sad, worthless and uncared for.

“I’m tired of feeling so numb” -Plumb, ‘Cut’

These are my current feelings and I just wish someone were there for me to talk to. To run into their arms and just cry. According to my parents my depression was a “phase of a downward spiral that I have left.” Yea, sure, whatever mom and dad. They think I have magically been cured. I thought I was doing better until this week. Something hit and now I feel just so awful and alone. I can force a smile when needed but I don’t want fake. I want to talk to someone but so far no one has noticed. I’m not wanted in any of the groups I used to belong to. I am tired of sitting in my room all night all alone, but I literally don’t know who to go to anymore. I don’t understand what my life is becoming but I don’t like it and am so upset with everything that is happening right now. I want my old life back. I want my old friends back and I want to be able to talk to people like I used to. (I haven’t cried in ages and just broke down while writing this post. I’ve hit my breaking point, it is official.)

I don’t know if I can be StrongTilTheEnd right now. I am really doubting how long I can put up with this anymore…

 

“Have you ever felt Like you don’t know what’s going on anymore. Like you don’t care about anything anymore. You’ve lost motivation to do anything. Your mind is set on too many things that you are confused about your feelings, and you can’t explain how you feel either. The feeling of emptiness, and feeling that barely anyone is there for you. Feeling that no one understands you anymore. And it seems like there is nothing to look forward to anymore.”

 

“Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there’s no one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me” -Sia, ‘Breathe Me’

Trying New Things

Well it is official, I am a graduated student of High School! Nothing feels much different but I do think I want to change things up in my life in a multitude of ways which brings me excitement and a jump of nervousness as well. I am ready to be more outgoing and willing to try new things and meet new people. I am a very shy and reserved person even to the closest people in my life. I don’t want to be though. I want to be open and seem like I am ready to have a good time. I hate being awkward and never knowing what to say to people and being so self conscious. I am ready to break through that invisible barrier and change who I am.

   Here is a picture of me at my grad party with the one little guy who I consider my best friend. This made me have to be open and talkative as well as happy and not reserved. It was a struggle for me but all in all it was a pretty good time. It went quick and there was a pretty steady flow of people. Of course there were people that I was wishing would make an appearance who didn’t and then there were the ones who came and totally surprised me. I’m more than happy it’s over with though due to all of the pressure for everything to be perfect.

I don’t really know what is wrong with me right now. Instead of being happy and trying to find new people to hang out with I am in my room, eating my feelings and on the verge of tears. I’m totally unsure of what hit me tonight but I am ready to break. I’m ready to leave. I’m ready to walk out of the house and never look back.

 

On another note: I am hoping that giving away my identity with that picture will help me and not hurt me in the long run. I hope it was a good time to do so but I guess I won’t know until later on whether the decision was right.

Fear.

It is summer. It is almost graduation. People will be leaving for college and their future lives in a few months. Me though, I’ll stay here in my sweet home town. Grrrrreat…

Graduation rehearsal is tomorrow, graduation is Saturday and my grad party is on Sunday. I am so nervous that no one will show up to my party. Am I actually liked by anyone from my school? Do people want to come and celebrate with me? I am soo scared and don’t really know what to do if no one shows up. I went to a few slower parties this last weekend and I don’t want mine to turn into that, but sadly I wouldn’t be surprised if it did. My “friends” from school all went out to the mall (where I ran into them) yesterday without inviting me. They’re supposedly my friends so why do I think that people who barely consider me a friend will take time out of their busy schedules to show up to spend time with me either? I will for sure post after the party and let people know how it goes if anyone on here even cares. I LOVE my followers but feel that I’ve been pretty boring recently so I understand if not!

I am also beyond scared of dancing again. (See "Second Thoughts" post for more on this). I finally met with my dance teacher the other night and thankfully that helped me feel a bit better, but we will see where this takes me. Please wish me luck for the near future. Thanks!

I am StrongTilTheEnd and you are too <3

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The End

It is official, I have survived 13 years of free education! Today was my last day of high school. I don’t have any finals so just have graduation this weekend. It is crazy to think about after everything that has happened over the years. This past year was really rough but I know that I overcame a bunch of personal obstacles along the way. I found out who is truly there for me and the fact that old friends may not always be the best of friends. Self growth is the best thing that a person can develop and I truly should be proud of myself for what I have accomplished. I also am graduating with a 4.0 gpa, an honors diploma and an NHS medal. And I have received the top scholarship at my first choice college which is something I never thought I would have accomplished based on everything else I was spending my time worrying about. My years to come will also be filled with plenty of stress and surprise and I can not wait to see where this life takes me.

Sometimes though it is the little things that one must take the time to appreciate. Such as the fact that this weekend I ended up attending 11 grad parties solo where I was unsure if I would know anyone there besides the graduate despite the rising levels of anxiety inside of me from one stop to the next. I am especially proud because I attended one guy’s who I debated about going to for a good 3 weeks. He and I were very good friends last year around this time and through last summer but then over winter break we had a huge misunderstood fight. On top of this he had a girlfriend the entire time. We finally made up around spring break and are kind of friends again. I knew that no matter what decision I made I would feel awkward or regret. I eventually saw it as utmost important that I made an appearance and congratulated him. Break the barrier so to speak. And surprisingly my interaction with him was awkward but alright in the end. We had a very awkward hug (not because we were hugging but because I didn’t expect him to hug me, but just give me a handshake, so when he pulled me in for a hug I was very surprised) that was really nice in the end cause he’s so tall and I’m so small. He also presented an amazing, genuine smile as soon as he saw me. This is such good progress for he and I and if you can’t tell by this post I am ecstatic thinking back on it. He is such a great guy and was one of the best people in my life in early fall when everything was changing and I was unsure of how to react to anything. He became my support system despite the fact that he had a girlfriend. He saw that I needed someone and offered to be that person and coincidentally I don’t really think he knew he was becoming that person in my life. I don’t think he realized what in impact he had. He is so wonderful and I really hope to stay in touch. Besides the awkward hug though I saw his girlfriend downstairs later on in the party and she basically glared at me. I could easily be reading into it though cause I am unsure if he has even told her about what happened between he and I, but since I am assuming he did tell her, she isn’t too fond of me and what her boyfriend and my relationship had been in the past. But ya know what? Whatever! I still have a friend and she still has a boyfriend so all is right in this world!

I hope that in the future I will remember to cherish the little things such as what occurred last night. The little things become the big things in the long run since those are what you remember the most details about (at least in my opinion). Bigger and better things are waiting for me in the future and I can not wait to see what is in store :)