Memories

It is amazing what objects and situations bring you back to old times and old people in your life. There are certain things in my life which I see practically everyday and yet they still manage bring the memories and images into my head. For example, there is a baseball diamond which I drive past almost daily and instantly think of a certain individual. I know exactly why he comes to mind yet it still surprises me when my thoughts venture there. Other objects that bring back vivd memories include a certain street downtown, the bed I sleep in at my grandparents house and our performance center in my hometown.
There are so many memories, both good at bad, that can pop up from various things in your life. Reminiscing can cause grief or instant happiness and feeling thankful for the experiences you have had in life. The struggle is to find the difference between living in your past and purely reminiscing about the good times. I know that in a year I have changed quite a bit, but that doesn’t mean that I need to forget about all of my past experiences and memories. They all cause emotions to fill me quickly and vastly but I can enjoy them if I wish and if I do so in moderation. My memories can not control me but aid me in future choices and decisions whether drastic or tiny.
I hope that everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving holiday yesterday, and if you decided to go shopping today that you didn’t go too crazy ;)

It Could Always Be Worse

Here I am sitting in my nice and warm room. I am surrounded by blankets and electronics. I am coloring. My parents are downstairs discussing the possibility of smart phones. I can hear the wind outside my window but feel no rush of cold. I was reunited with one of my best friends this afternoon. I have food on the table. I have money in my wallet. If you think of things materialistically I really do have things so good and need to be truly thankful. I know someone who lost their mom to breast cancer last night. She is only a young teenager and has an even younger sister. My mom did daycare for her when she was just a baby and we were great friends. I can not even imagine losing someone who means so much to you. Sometimes you don’t know when your last hug will be and sometimes it is expected to be soon. But either way it will be beyond difficult to have to deal with. I can not imagine growing up without my mother in my life. Even though we get on each others’ last nerves we still love each other and are lucky to still be here. Things could always be worse for me and my family. My mom and I could very well not have survived my premature birth…but we did. My dad could have lost his job during the 2009 recession…but he didn’t. My family is intact and living a healthy and happy life when we realize how much we truly do have for us. Things could be worse, but they are not. We must be grateful for what we are provided and generous in providing for others who are not quite as lucky. My heart is with the Jacobson family today as they say goodbye to a dearly loved individual.

Giving Back

I feel as though I tend to be consumed in the receiving around Christmastime year after year even when I know that that is not what the holidays are about. I really don’t mean to, but I catch myself thinking about the gifts underneath the tree while we are sitting around the table or before I fall asleep. I know better than that and I really want to change my mindset this year. Instead of focusing on receiving I really want to focus on the act of giving.

There are so many people in my life who have helped me get to where I am today and continue to help me grow and learn day by day. I know this and this year I really want to acknowledge this. I want to thank the people who have been there for me and who have brought smiles to my face through the hard times. Even if it is as simple as a colored picture of a ballerina and a candy cane for the students in my ballet classes I want them to know that they are special to me. I want people to truly see that I care and I love them. I don’t expect anything in return aside from a hug because I know that the smiles on people’s faces instantly fill me with joy. There are tons of people that I want to thank for touching my life and hopefully I will get to everyone throughout my lifetime…but this year I will really try and focus on returning their love in kind and thoughtful gestures :)

Not adjectives

Just me

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Going Crazy

I just feel like now I have to have my life figured out. I feel that I have to be able to answer all of the questions. I now have to pin point what sets me off and what makes me feel depressed. I have to try and put it all into words. But what if I can’t? What if I actually can’t? I don’t know all of the answers…or any of them for that matter. I don’t know how to explain what happens to me at home or in my brain or when I’m alone. I don’t know what is wrong. I don’t know what sends my thoughts to the darker places instead of the upbeat. I don’t know and I don’t know how to explain this to people. All of a sudden there is a whole ton of information out there floating around. I have no idea who all knows or who all is concerned or who all is supposedly going to help me through it. Through what though? What am I getting help to get past? I don’t know!!!!!!!!!

Now What?

“Can I ask you a question…?”
“Do you have a minute to talk?”

These questions cause me so much stress and anxiety. Instantly you think about everything that the individual could possibly be bringing up…What have you done wrong recently? What could have made them upset? What do they know that you don’t know they know? Mind racing. Heart beating. And you just have to wait. You have to wait until they begin to speak again. Once they compile the words inside their head the truth comes out. You find out pretty quickly what’s going on. Sometimes it’s good. Sometimes it’s bad. Sometimes it is scary as can be. But most of the time you just have to take it and let it sink in. Think about what the person is saying and react in a healthy way. And that is what I am trying to do at this moment. React to this sort of non critical confrontation in a healthy and stabilizing way.

But how can I? When all of a sudden certain people in my life know more about me than I want them to. When these adults are concerned about my well being. Do I continue to just act as though everything is okay? Everything will be okay though in the end though because if it’s not okay then it is not the end. Right? So how am I supposed to do this? I feel loved and cared for by these 3 individuals, and they are so influential in my life…but they didn’t need to know this side of me did they? They didn’t have to come across my blog and read about everything that I deal with. They didn’t have to talk to me. But they did and now I am scared out of my mind. I don’t really know what the next steps are. Will my parents get involved? Will I go back to therapy? Will I have to try and tell my story to some other random individual who will supposedly help me feel at peace with myself? Will I start medication? Will this help or will it just plunge me into a dark period again? I was doing alright. Truthfully. Compare me to last year at this time. I am much better. But now all of the feelings and emotions of the journey this past spring are returning. They are overflowing my brain and it is scary…

Words to Live By

On Pinterest one of my boards is full of quotes (237 pins to be exact!). My tumblr is relateable quotes. My camera roll is at least 1/2 quotations. Reading various quotes is almost therapeutic for me. Some quotes make me realize that I am not the only one struggling with certain things. I am not alone. Some make me happy and inspired. They all fill me with such emotion that sometimes looking back on some of them can be hard to do, but other times it is exactly what I need to help myself. So here is just a list of various “Words to Live By” that I have scattered around which help me in one way or another:

“May you always find the light within and have the courage to take a chance.”

 

“Depression is not a phase,

it’s a disease.

It’s like screaming,

when nobody can hear.

It’s to be falling apart,

without anyone noticing.”

 

“I’m here.

I love you.

I don’t care

if you need to stay up

crying all night long,

I will stay with you.

There’s nothing you can

ever do to lose my love.”

 

“When you have a bad day, a really bad day, try to treat the world better than it treated you.”

 

“See how far you’ve come?

Be proud of yourself.

If nothing else, one day, you can look at

someone straight in the eye and say:

‘But I lived through it and

it made me who I am today.”

 

“Obstacles can’t stop you. Problems can’t stop you. Most of all, other people can’t stop you. Only you can stop you.”

 

“I think one of the saddest things is when two people really get to know each other: their secrets, their fears, their favorite things, what they love, what they hate, literally everything, and then they go back to being strangers. It’s like you have to walk past them and pretend like you never knew them, never even talked to them before, when really, you know everything about them.”

 

“I miss us. And I don’t mean like us being together, I mean like I miss us being so close and telling each other everything.”

 

“Keep Sm:)ing, it can’t rain forever.”

 

“‘just tired’

she muttered.

but you could tell

it was not just a lack

of sleep

but a lack of hope

and happiness

that made her

act the way she did.”

 

“If you miss someone, tell them.

If you love someone, show it.

Life is too short to

keep your feelings inside.”

 

And now for some pure inspiration from Pinterest:

“Whatever you want to do, do it.

There’s only so many tomorrows.”

 

“Some days you just have to create your own sunshine”

 

“You cannot always wait for the perfect time, sometimes you must dare to jump.”

 

“Never apologize for saying what you feel. That’s like saying sorry for being real.”

 

“A negative thinker sees a difficulty in every opportunity. A positive thinker sees an opportunity in every difficulty.”

 

“H.O.P.E. Hold. On. Pain. Ends.”

 

“Nothing is IMPOSSIBLE. The word itself says ‘I’M POSSIBLE’!”

 

“The trick is to enjoy life. Don’t wish away your days waiting for better ones ahead.”

I love you all and thanks for continuing to read my blog:))

Insecure

How am I supposed to become a better dancer if I am not given the opportunities to dance? How am I supposed to find it in me to feel good about myself at dance when I am given no reason to do so? I am sick and tired of constantly being thrown off to the side to fend for myself. I know that I am coming off of an injury but all I need at this point are people to help me feel confident once again and help me find my true passion for the art form. I am struggling with my journey to pursue dance. I am so insecure about every inch of my body and every tiny movement that I make in class. I want to be pushed to do my best and I want to feel good about myself. Is that too much to ask for? I am looking for a support system and when only 3 legs of the table are there you can’t assume the table can hold itself up…

Let It All Go?

“If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn’t ask me, I’d still have to say it.”

If there are actually people out there who believe this then why do I catch myself constantly focusing on the things that worry me, stress me out and make me aggravated? I focus on the ruined relationships in my life. I focus far too much time on the future and college and scholarships and auditions and life. But isn’t this the stuff that I should be focused on? Shouldn’t I spend time thinking about the options I have and the way I want to act later on in life? But they cause me an insane amount of stress and anxiety. How do I let go and live again? How do I balance a good amount of thinking and analyzing with a bearable amount of pressure and worry? Where can I find these answers? Do I first have to somehow not think about any of this at all so that I can then find a happy medium? Because when I try to do this I instead focus on my past and how much I miss in my life now. I realize how many people I don’t like living without. I think about the experiences that I have had and how I wish to relive them. But what good is this doing me? Am I learning anything from it?…No. Am I moving on from any of this?…Clearly not. So what should I focus my thoughts on? The past makes me sad. The future makes me scared. And the present….well, it is a daily struggle of figuring out if any of this is worth it. Was it worth it to stay in town? Was it worth it to pursue my dance dream? Will I get strong again? Will I feel good again? Will I be truly happy again? What is the balance between worrying and letting everything go? How do I find this balance? Why do I have so many questions…?

I Am Honored

When I first started blogging back in March I did it solely as an outlet of my thoughts and feelings. I have always been pretty horrible at explaining myself and what was going through my head out loud so I decided that if I were going to write things out why not do it publicly and anonymously? That ended up being one of my greatest decisions recently. I am so honored to have written 82 posts and to have connected with various people around the world through my writing. The entire idea of blogging has changed for me. Yes, it is still about me having somewhere to organize my thoughts and possibly get opinions from others, but it has also become about all of you, my followers and avid readers!

I am so blessed to be able to shout with joy that today marks my milestone of reaching 1,000+ views of my blog! I never would have thought that I could come this far. I am shocked! When I started I figured I would write 10 posts and get bored with it. This blog would never help me…right? WRONG!! It has helped me so much and you all have too! I love viewing my stats and notifications and seeing that others are appreciative of and interested in my posts. I have left the thought of only ever having 100 views, maybe 2 followers total. Nope! Now I have reached 1,013 views and I know that this number will continue to grow. I have 92 followers on WordPress and a total of 290 followers amongst my Twitter and Tumblr pages as well. It is crazy and astonishing to know these statistics and it makes me feel that at the end of the day I did a good thing for more than just myself. I want to thank each and every one of you for helping me reach this point. I also want the bloggers which I follow to realize how much your writings and words mean to me. When I am down for one reason or another I go to your work to boost me up. It is helpful to know that others out there struggle just like me and I love reading of your accomplishments and setbacks to put other lives in perspective. My writing may not always be upbeat and chipper but thanks to everyone who has stuck with me through it!!

Also, a special shoutout to my girl Phoebe! We met through our similar blogs. I stumbled across yours somehow and you found mine, and you know what: we are so similar it isn’t even funny! I am always here for advice if you ever need it because I know that life is tough, but remember that there will always be good days to offset the bad. Life IS worth it…I promise! And a huge congrats on 1,000 views today as well:) Celebrate this monumental moment and everyone else give this girl a follow if you aren’t already, it would mean a lot to me: http://happygounlucky.wordpress.com/

I love all of you and can’t thank you enough!! :)