School got cancelled today and tomorrow. Dance got cancelled Monday, today and almost definitely tomorrow as well. When I found out that we wouldn’t be having dance tomorrow (Friday) I actually started crying. Full on tears rushing down my face. I couldn’t control myself. My body heated up really quickly (so fast that I had to turn on my fan) and I just sat in my bed and cried. Maybe this makes me weak and irritable. But sometimes once you’ve been strong for too long you have to let your guard down and just let it all out. I am pissed off at life and wondering why all of this must be happening right now. Why must my life seem to be falling apart days before I leave to audition for my future? Why me? Why me alllll the fricken time? I can’t handle all of this anymore. I really really can’t. Someone come rescue me. Please. I beg of you. Anyone. Anyone at all…
Wow…It’s been a while. And surprise surprise I am still struggling. Yay! My most recent therapy session was the toughest one yet. I was on the verge of tears which is very rare for me to begin with let alone in front of other people. She is asking me to find the courage to do 3 big acts of stepping out of my comfort zone and figuring out my life. I would love to do it to help myself, don’t get me wrong, but I am scared. I want to talk to someone about it but I don’t even have the courage to actually say the words aloud. So instead I will pile it onto you and at least it won’t be completely secretive inside.
Act 1: Set up an appointment at my local clinic to have an official evaluation for major depression. This would include questionnaires and the like to decide whether there is a true chemical imbalance in my brain and if a medication could help with my serotonin levels on top of figuring out how to better take on my life.
Act 2: Set up an appointment at my clinic with an eating disorder specialist to have an eating disorder evaluation. This scares me even more than the first. I’ve never wanted to admit to anyone that I have problems when it comes to food and eating and body image. I have admitted it to all of you but it takes a lot out of me to say anything about it out loud. To have an actual diagnosis looming over my head of what I deal with will obviously help me recover to the best of my ability and live my life to its fullest, but I can’t lie and say that it doesn’t scare me.
Act 3: Sadly, this one makes me the most nervous. Bring my parents into a session with my therapist and explain that I have been struggling this year and have made the choice to help myself. Now I need their financial support to set up the appointments outlined above. This doesn’t mean that I have to tell them what I’m doing, where I’m going or how anything is changing but I need their support to move forward and become myself again.
To say that I need courage would be an understatement. To say that I am happy would be a lie. And to say that I’m not scared out of my mind would be a disaster in and of itself. I really want to do this and I really don’t. I want someone to talk to and hear their opinions on it just to know that I really am not alone. But when you pretty much have no friends it makes this sort of thing even tougher.
Have things been going well recently? Yea, I wish I could say that they have….I’ve been physically sick since Tuesday which has thrown my eating out of whack and I’ve been mentally sick for much longer. Sadly the latter sickness seems to be getting worse. I had to cancel my therapy appointment this week due to being sick and she is out of town next week so that will be 2 weeks without therapy. In the past I would have been elated for such news, but now I’m really questioning it. I seem to have been getting worse since I started going so now do I make another appointment and go back? Or should I stop going? Or is it just that things get worse before they can get better…?
I don’t know. Lots going on. Dance has become a struggle as well and seems to be getting worse. I don’t know where my life is headed and I don’t know who is there for me to talk to which really sucks. Last night I really wanted some advice and I literally had no idea who to talk to so instead emailed my teacher and just hoped I wouldn’t scare her with the abundance of information in a single email. I always regret when I email her about my problems but she seems to understand and at least at that point I know that someone knows what’s going on which is an emotion releaser in and of itself. I am blessed that she is in my life this year and is willing to be there as a support system. I just need to relax and try and not let things get to me so much. Then maybe I will find a higher rate of success. I can only hope.