Tag Archives: New

3 Years Ago

3 Years Ago, today, an internal switch was flipped and I went a little crazy. I got really sad and confused while lying in this same bed here, in my grandparents attic, talking to someone. I went crazy. A friendship diminished.  and like I said I got very confused. Eventually this led to my diagnosis of ‘depression’ and everything making a little bit more sense in the long run but not in the details. Each day is a journey and each accomplishment is a milestone which I am very proud of. Nothing is ultimately perfect like I used to think it would end up, but things are better in the end. If you want to keep up with my current journey feel free to follow me at my new, non-anonymous WordPress blog:

www.danceeatsdancetreats.wordpress.com
Or my newly created, currently developing tumblr page:

http://www.the-lonely-one.tumblr.com

Thanks to those who did follow my journey for so many years. This day will always be more than Christmas to me, it was a turning point in my story, but nonetheless I hope everyone is enjoying their friends and family and holiday celebrations!  

 

Happy July: Day 1!

I can not believe that it is already July! Didn’t June just start? and 2014? and this past school year? Anywho, with it being a new month, the month before I leave for college, the month I turn 19, and a new month of possibilities I have decided to do a 30 day blogging challenge. Why not spice up my blog a little bit, right? (Phoebe has inspired me to do this! Thanks girl)

FYI I’m really bad at doing things like this, for example those instagram photo – a – day things I have never gotten past like day 5, but I will do my best to keep at it! Also I am very indecisive so I found 2 somewhat similar ones and will choose which I want to write about from them each day!


 

Soo here I go! Day 1: Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
How ironic…what a way to start it off. Yes, yes I am single. I am awful with guys and interacting and not being shy and awkward and speechless. I am more of an ‘admire from afar’ kinda girl and I hate it. I can’t find the guts to get his number or go up to the cute guy at the coffee shop and strike up a conversation. Instead I get weirdly invested in guys who see me as only a friend and I read into anything and everything they say and do.

For example: this guy who I have known for years who we became pretty good friends about a year and a half ago. We hung out a few times (I read into this), talked a bunch (and this) and texted frequently (and of course this). He went away like everyone else this year and when he was back suggested we get coffee. (I read into this too…what a surprise). It didn’t work out for a few weeks due to clashing schedules so I finally brought it up again that we hang out. We set a date and a time and I decided to try and look nice. I got giddy with a friend who gave me advice on what to say, what not to say, what to do, what not to do. (how to not be awkward pretty much…story. of. my. life.) I saw it as a sort of date. I didn’t want to make a huge deal out of it, but it was like impossible not to. I could view it as a casual get together, or a date. What do you think the inner girl in me was going to choose? So last Tuesday I got all dolled up (I even straightened my hair) and drove to a coffee shop to meet a very attractive guy at 9pm. He didn’t show up til 9:30pm…he said he got off of work late…he also showed up high…he also said everything I didn’t want to hear (stories about other girls, saying he hoped I didn’t still like him, saying that I was clingy, apologizing for leading me on cause he was clingy once too, happy that the awkward crush was behind us…on and on and on). It was straight hell for me. It started with a hug how did it end up like this?? It ended after a mere half an hour and I was crushed. We said goodbye and walked to our cars awkwardly. He seemed happy and ready to leave. I proceeded to sit in my car, blast sad music and eat cookies in the parking lot of Wal-Mart.

So yea, that about sums up how my relationship status goes. Nothing. Zip. Nada. Single life is good sometimes, but mostly it just sucks at this point in your life. When you’re 18, almost 19, and haven’t had your first kiss. When you’re 18, almost 19, and haven’t been on a real date. When you’re 18, almost 19, and no guys are interested in you. Yea…that sucks. It isn’t the end all be all in life, but it is still crappy when theres no one there to tell you they love you, no one to hug when times get rough, no one to sit at home and watch movies with on a rainy day. It’s the little things that I would want out of a relationship but if things continue the way they have, that ain’t gonna happen. Hopefully college will bring new people, new situations and new possibilities for the better…but I guess I will have to wait and see!

Erasing Anonymity

There are so many blogs out there written anonymously and there are also a ton that write and post them directly to another social network for their friends, families, and strangers to read. As of now I have only shared my blog with a select few people. Everyone else who reads this have stumbled across it through my anonymous Tumblr page or WordPress itself. I am really thinking about starting to post my blog to my personal Twitter account. I really think it would be interesting to see if I get any feedback from the people who don’t realize there is a different side of me. I am not only the nerdy, dancer freak that I come across as at school. There is more to me. I am battling with something that I have been trying to hide. But eventually high school life will be behind us. We have already completed the 4 treacherous years of classes. We are on our final summer with these people when we know they will for sure be around. Everyone is moving away. Many things will be left behind us as we begin a new journey in our lives. People will pack up their things and head off to a place of more freedom and start making decisions purely for themselves to better their future. Some people will begin this journey with a few of their childhood friends by their side, and others will go into this completely alone. They will make the decisions to branch out, or stay a little shy and wait for friends to find them. The life ahead of everyone is a life with so many opportunities and no one can be sure where this path will take them, but at this moment everyone is taking a leap of faith into a new direction. I think that I will take that leap of faith tonight and share this blog with others. Let people know the “real Ashley” or at least the “Ashley” that I have become. This past year has changed me a lot, but in good ways, I have learned a little more about myself and keep discovering new things everyday. So if anyone new is reading this tonight, hello and welcome to this part of me:)

Trying New Things

Well it is official, I am a graduated student of High School! Nothing feels much different but I do think I want to change things up in my life in a multitude of ways which brings me excitement and a jump of nervousness as well. I am ready to be more outgoing and willing to try new things and meet new people. I am a very shy and reserved person even to the closest people in my life. I don’t want to be though. I want to be open and seem like I am ready to have a good time. I hate being awkward and never knowing what to say to people and being so self conscious. I am ready to break through that invisible barrier and change who I am.

Image   Here is a picture of me at my grad party with the one little guy who I consider my best friend. This made me have to be open and talkative as well as happy and not reserved. It was a struggle for me but all in all it was a pretty good time. It went quick and there was a pretty steady flow of people. Of course there were people that I was wishing would make an appearance who didn’t and then there were the ones who came and totally surprised me. I’m more than happy it’s over with though due to all of the pressure for everything to be perfect.

I don’t really know what is wrong with me right now. Instead of being happy and trying to find new people to hang out with I am in my room, eating my feelings and on the verge of tears. I’m totally unsure of what hit me tonight but I am ready to break. I’m ready to leave. I’m ready to walk out of the house and never look back.

 

On another note: I am hoping that giving away my identity with that picture will help me and not hurt me in the long run. I hope it was a good time to do so but I guess I won’t know until later on whether the decision was right.