Does anyone else get that moment? When all of a sudden your entire inner light is put out. A feeling takes over your entire body and just makes you feel like complete shit. You realize everything that you are lacking in life and nothing seems to make you feel much better. You get the sense of loneliness. No one is there and no one wants to be there. You realize everyone who has left your life. Everyone you have stopped talking to. Everyone you have stopped relating to. Everyone who is now just a memory. You realize how awful your body looks. How each centimeter of excess skin is unnecessary. How each roll of fat is disgusting. How every bit of lost muscle is pathetic. How your fat thighs flatten out 10 times as large as they need to. How your ankles aren’t looking as skinny as they used to. How your hips are far too large for your otherwise petite frame (height-wise). You realize how out of place you feel in this world. This world is meant for better people than you are. This world supports those who have life goals and desires and are ready to pursue them. The life around you begins caving in. One second ago you were happy and enjoying your night…The next you feel awful about every aspect of yourself and the life you’re living. You are unable to see what the future ahead of you is going to hold. You do not know if you will stay in contact with anyone who is heading off to college. You are lost and alone with no one to talk to. You want to talk to someone but it just so happens that nights like these are the exact ones where people do not want to talk to you.
If anyone out there does want to talk about anything (not about me and my problems. I swear) feel free: 398-4097. Thanks.
As I have previously mentioned, I love my job. I leave work after almost every shift with a smile on my face. This is primarily because of my coworkers! They just put me in a great mood. Tonight especially was a night to remember at work. It was really slow due to the strange weather throughout the day so by the end of the night it was just 3 people. The assistant manager, me and one other girl my age. All night we were cracking jokes at one another and just laughing out of pure joy and honesty! I had the chance to choose to go home early and chose not to since the shift had been such a fun one by the time I had the option. I am so happy that I chose to stay!
It is amazing to me how happy I am in these situations when a few months ago there was almost nothing that could make me feel happiness. I was fully depressed. There was not an ounce of energy radiating from within me. I just moved through life while dragging my feet. I rarely smiled (unless it was fake) and I rarely laughed (unless it was forced). But nights like tonight are my pure self. Everything is easy going and just happens naturally in reaction to the events around me. I am so happy to see how far I have come. Am I still depressed? Yes. There are many times where I still feel the way that I did before, but now there are instances where that side of me “disappears” and not because I choose for it to so that I can hide it, but because it just doesn’t need to be around. I am fully happy in situations and it is great! Thank you to the few people who have stayed with me through this journey and I hope that they can see how far I have come as well*. Thanks also to my coworkers for being able to produce these raw emotions through the little things said or done. I appreciate your laughter and good times :) Maybe someday soon I will inform some of the people I am closer with about my depression to explain my moods at times at work, but for now I like things the way they are!
*My friend the other day did mention that I seem “brighter” to her and that is just so great to hear!
Just under a year ago I kicked my good habits of eating and exercising out the window. Most people would ask, why? I wish I knew. Recently though I have been trying to put some thought into it. For about 2 years I very rarely would eat any sweets, chips, pizza and other unhealthy foods as well as I would choose not to drink pop. All of my friends severely judged me through this stage and CONSTANTLY questioned my eating habits. I would just explain that I didn’t need those foods and was happy and healthy without them. Last summer I realized that because of these decisions I tended to never eat in front of my friends since most of the foods around when we were together were these unhealthy “obsessions” that teens tend to have. When faced with eating a meal in front of others I tend to eat less than I do with my family and go with healthier options (even to this day). Last summer when I had to eat lunch with a group of dancers for a week straight I ended up adopting a very unhealthy eating pattern. I worried about every single ounce of food that I put in my mouth. I would text my friend at night and ask her if it was worth eating a snack even after I had danced for 7 hours that day. I was being stupid. I was developing habits that if they continued I could have easily gotten very sick. I wasn’t eating and I surely wasn’t thinking. A few weeks of this sort of eating behavior went by before I headed off for a vacation with my mom. This was the moment in my life where everything changed. I went in the complete opposite direction. I ate. And ate. And ate. AND ATE whenever I could while on this trip. I settled down a bit upon returning but throughout the year very rarely cared what I was eating. I cared, but not in the same way as before. I would eat snacky foods in front of friends. I wouldn’t choose not to eat a dessert when given the option. It was very strange for me to be going to the other extreme in terms of food. Since I stopped dancing (December) my eating patterns have worsened if that was even possible. I eat and I don’t exercise. I eat out of boredom. I eat out of frustration. I eat when I’m really depressed. I eat when I’m really anxious. All I ever feel like I’m doing is sneaking food around so others don’t realize how much I have eaten in a given day. I have gained a lot of weight and can see the changes in my body. Every time I look in a mirror I am in pure disgust and know that I want to change it. I feel the fat building on my body and know that it needs to be gone. I just haven’t found the will power to do so. Whenever I indulge drastically I find myself a reason, an excuse, to do so and continue on with it. I feel bad after but thoroughly enjoy the food that is entering my mouth. I am unsure if this is something I need to be looked at for, but at this point I am making myself a promise. I promise to myself that I will start eating healthier again. I want to lose weight. I want to look skinny. I want to feel skinny. I want to be skinny.
“The best way to not feel hopeless is to get up and do something. Don’t wait for good things to happen to you. If you go out and make some good things happen, you will fill the world with hope, you will fill yourself with hope.”
My “going out and making things happen” in this world is through beginning work. I have never had a steady job until this summer. I now basically have 3. I work at Dairy Queen. I nanny. I teach dance classes. It is crazy how each individual job has such a differing schedule from the next that I am keeping busy to say the least. I absolutely LOVE working at DQ. I never thought I would. I definitely never thought I would fit in with the group of people who I work with, but I have overcome my shy barrier and am really starting to connect with some of my coworkers. I am the newest on the job (up until tomorrow that is!) but have already been working for about a month. The assistant manager last night told me that I have surpassed some of the employees who have been working there for multiple seasons. That was such a great compliment to hear! I have been told multiple times how people are proud of how quickly I can pick things up and how I am good with customers and making things to their desires. The people I interact with are fun and make the time go by quickly be cracking jokes and just making me smile. I am so happy that I found this job and I have found a group of people who I connect with again. There are a lot of people who are like mini mentors to me. They have figured out how to boost my self esteem even just a little bit, but enough for me to feel happy and proud for having a job there. I may be one of the shyest ones there but I still have connected with some of them a lot. I love the way they make me happy even when I do enter the day dreading to go to work. The shifts may be long, but I am getting hours, getting money and thoroughly enjoying my time spent with these people :) The moments when I leave work after having a splendid time are when I am the happiest. I forget about the dance instructor who is really really upset with me, I forget about how my parents are frowning down upon some of my decisions recently, I forget about the friends who have practically left my life. I just “bathe” in the glory of feeling great for once. I love it!
I don’t even know where to begin. I am so sorry for so many things that have happened in the last year. I screwed up really badly time and time again and continued to make it worse as I tried to make it better. Your friendship was a huge help since you were more than willing to be there for me even when you didn’t realize you were helping. For a while in the fall you were honestly what kept me going. I knew that when I was able to converse with you I would have a smile on my face no matter what we were discussing. Even in the sad moments of our conversations I knew that there was someone out there who still was willing to talk to me. It meant so much more than you realize. I know that I am the one who messed up back in December. I then continued to push way too hard to return our friendship to what it had been before. By doing so I know that I made things unintentionally worse than they were prior. I am mad at myself more than anything for doing this. I miss you and I miss our friendship. I know that at this point there is no way for us to fix anything completely. I am sorry for being so rude to you Christmas night. I regret a lot of what was said by me, but thank you for putting up with my emotional roller coaster and being the realistic one throughout it all. You are such a wonderful guy and have such a great future ahead of you. I hope that no matter what we will stay in contact even if just through Facebook, but enough so I know where this life takes you. You were a wonderful and supportive friend through everything, and thank you so much for that. Before I even knew I had depression I was dealing with its symptoms and you stuck it out with me. You were there for me when most people tried to leave my life based on the state I was in and I really just can’t thank you enough. Our friendship was a secret from most people out there but to me it meant the world. Good luck, thank you and I’m sorry. I hope someday we will be able to talk again but I need that to be up to you to happen. I have pushed too hard recently and I’m sorry for making it even worse the other day. Why I thought you would want to see me after all of this I have no idea, but hopefully one day the time will be right. And if not I need to accept that and let you move on as I move on as well.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
Thank you for putting up with me as my shell continued to crack further and deeper.
There are so many blogs out there written anonymously and there are also a ton that write and post them directly to another social network for their friends, families, and strangers to read. As of now I have only shared my blog with a select few people. Everyone else who reads this have stumbled across it through my anonymous Tumblr page or WordPress itself. I am really thinking about starting to post my blog to my personal Twitter account. I really think it would be interesting to see if I get any feedback from the people who don’t realize there is a different side of me. I am not only the nerdy, dancer freak that I come across as at school. There is more to me. I am battling with something that I have been trying to hide. But eventually high school life will be behind us. We have already completed the 4 treacherous years of classes. We are on our final summer with these people when we know they will for sure be around. Everyone is moving away. Many things will be left behind us as we begin a new journey in our lives. People will pack up their things and head off to a place of more freedom and start making decisions purely for themselves to better their future. Some people will begin this journey with a few of their childhood friends by their side, and others will go into this completely alone. They will make the decisions to branch out, or stay a little shy and wait for friends to find them. The life ahead of everyone is a life with so many opportunities and no one can be sure where this path will take them, but at this moment everyone is taking a leap of faith into a new direction. I think that I will take that leap of faith tonight and share this blog with others. Let people know the “real Ashley” or at least the “Ashley” that I have become. This past year has changed me a lot, but in good ways, I have learned a little more about myself and keep discovering new things everyday. So if anyone new is reading this tonight, hello and welcome to this part of me:)
Wow, it is so crazy late, but I can’t seem to settle down to get to sleep. Tonight I went out with some friends to Applebee’s and I realized how much I have drifted away from these people. For over 2 hours I sat there, listening to the conversations, watching them eat, and occasionally offering up a laugh here and there. I literally did not tell one story. I think the longest chain of words that came out of my mouth was: “I went to Victoria’s”, in regards to what I did to celebrate my birthday (Saturday) once they finally realized that yes, it had already passed. I was so miserable that entire time that I started texting one of my dance friends to see if we could hang out tonight so that I had an excuse to leave. She was busy so I stuck it out for a little longer.
Once I did leave I stopped quick at the gas station and then decided I really wasn’t in the mood to go home so thought I might drive around for a while. Driving helps me so much sometimes and makes me go crazy others. One night in particular it was great because I was in a text conversation with this one guy who really made me feel loved and cared for since he was concerned for my well being as well as my safety the entire time. He made sure I got home safe and that I was gonna be okay before he headed off to bed. That made my night better. Other times though I just drive for an hour or more an end and don’t really feel any better when I get home. Tonight I realized that I was too distracted to drive alone so I headed home anyway but I am happy that I do have these drives to settle me down a bit from time to time.