Being alone leads to feeling lonely. Feeling lonely leads to becoming emotional. [For me] becoming emotional leads to stress eating. Stress eating leads to me feeling bad about my body. Feeling bad about my body makes me embarrassed to present myself to people I wish to ‘impress.’ Being embarrassed to present myself to others leads me to being alone. Being alone leads to _________
I think you get the gist. The cycle always comes full circle…
I’ve been feeling a bit lonely of recent. But the strange thing is that I haven’t wanted to interact with people to avoid being alone. So does this make me hypocritical and lack self determination to make myself feel better? I don’t want to talk to people on the phone. I don’t want to hang out with the people who seem to want to hang out with me (tinder ‘friendships’ so I’m not sure how to make this work out…more on those another time :/ ), I don’t want to skype friends from home, I don’t want to reply to people’s texts. And I don’t really know why. I’ve been enjoying the time that I have spent on my own, but I have not enjoyed feeling lonely and depressed.
I think that I would LOVE to have a movie night with an attractive and sweet guy who lives near by…but then I think about it more and would I really rather just stay home and bake? I think that I want to talk to old friends…but then I think about it and would I really rather explore outside on my own while the weather is still decently nice? Would I rather eat lunch by my lonesome by the lake instead of talking to my mom? Would I rather sit on my futon and watch “Grey’s Anatomy” and get emotionally invested in that instead of describing my own emotional rollercoaster to someone else? I think yes, yes I would. I don’t want to put on an act and tell everyone that I “love it here” and “I’m so happy that I made this decision” or that “everything is going exactly as planned and it is all just sunshine and rainbows.” If I knew that someone really wanted to know and understand the trials and tribulations that go into each and every day up here on my own, then maybe, just maybe I would be willing to talk to them, but I know most people just want to hear that I’m happy and enjoying myself. Which I am…but there is OH so much more.
Nonetheless I did enjoy my day on my own, decorating my apartment
Being sick sucks. Being alone when you’re sick: even worse :( All I want right now is someone to hug me tight and assure me that things are going to be okay. Let me know that they care and love me and want what’s best for me. But I don’t know people here…the people I do know are busy with opening night of a dance performance, which I should be involved in but since I’m sick I was cut…so there’s that too. It just seems like so much has been piling up and I can’t seem to get control. I still haven’t met people. I still haven’t found control over my poor eating choices. I still haven’t started feeling like I belong yet and being sick stacked on top of this all makes life really difficult. I don’t know where I stand with anything and I’m just so confused.
I went to urgent care today and surprise surprise they found nothing seriously wrong, story. of. my. life. Most people would be happy with that but for me I just want the answers, to know why I feel like crap and have felt this way for 5 days now. I want there to be a damn good reason why I needed to be cut from the show. But nope! There isn’t one. There never is. They can never find anything and it just complicates things even more. I’m mad, upset, nauseous, sad, lonely….add that all together and you’ve got a messed up girl.
I leave in 2 weeks. HOLY CRAP! I LEAVE IN 2 WEEKS!! Like I can’t even control the emotions that overcome me when I think about it. In 2 weeks I will be at a new school, in a new city, surrounded by new people and sights and sounds…Don’t get me wrong, I am very excited to escape, but it scares the crap out of me. It doesn’t help that my parents started talking to me today about switching around my schedule and rethinking this whole college thing. Granted I brought it up a week ago or so but I figured I would get a semester or a year behind me before I changed my course of action. –I feel like this is completely run on but it’s flowing so I’m going to keep going– I have sort of decided that I want to scratch the whole college only thing and look into auditioning for a company or a more ballet based dance school. Not that Iowa isn’t going to be good, I’m just not entirely sure if it is what I’m looking for and having regrets before you even show up for the first day is a really scary place to be. That’s why I am currently listening to a “rainy day” playlist on Spotify, craving chocolate on chocolate and feeling like I want to cry. That’s normal…right?! Like what is going on with me?? And this guy that I wrote about like a week ago is being really confusing and I don’t know what to do about him anymore. He doesn’t seem to want to talk to me or make me happy or let me make him happy like we did before. He just seems very nonchalant towards me and I don’t know what changed. It stresses me out because he was one of the biggest reasons I was so excited about college. To go in with a guy would be something short of amazing and so not what I’m used to that it would be such a superb change. But now he’s acting weird and I don’t know why. i’ve asked if I did something wrong and he said no. I asked if he was okay and he said yes. But he just isn’t himself…or at least the ‘him’ that I was seemingly getting to know. I don’t know. Maybe it’s for the better so that I don’t feel tied down to someone right off the bat and can have an open eye for people throughout the start of the semester. But at the same time I was really looking forward to spending time with him and having someone to hold and love and to love me back. Is that too much to ask for??? What is going on with my life? I have so much to do and not enough time to do any of it let alone spend time dwelling on the “what if’s”, the “could’ve beens”, and the “should’ve beens”. Anyways now that I have completely confused the crap out of everyone including myself goodbye….
I just feel like now I have to have my life figured out. I feel that I have to be able to answer all of the questions. I now have to pin point what sets me off and what makes me feel depressed. I have to try and put it all into words. But what if I can’t? What if I actually can’t? I don’t know all of the answers…or any of them for that matter. I don’t know how to explain what happens to me at home or in my brain or when I’m alone. I don’t know what is wrong. I don’t know what sends my thoughts to the darker places instead of the upbeat. I don’t know and I don’t know how to explain this to people. All of a sudden there is a whole ton of information out there floating around. I have no idea who all knows or who all is concerned or who all is supposedly going to help me through it. Through what though? What am I getting help to get past? I don’t know!!!!!!!!!
How am I supposed to become a better dancer if I am not given the opportunities to dance? How am I supposed to find it in me to feel good about myself at dance when I am given no reason to do so? I am sick and tired of constantly being thrown off to the side to fend for myself. I know that I am coming off of an injury but all I need at this point are people to help me feel confident once again and help me find my true passion for the art form. I am struggling with my journey to pursue dance. I am so insecure about every inch of my body and every tiny movement that I make in class. I want to be pushed to do my best and I want to feel good about myself. Is that too much to ask for? I am looking for a support system and when only 3 legs of the table are there you can’t assume the table can hold itself up…
“If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn’t ask me, I’d still have to say it.”
If there are actually people out there who believe this then why do I catch myself constantly focusing on the things that worry me, stress me out and make me aggravated? I focus on the ruined relationships in my life. I focus far too much time on the future and college and scholarships and auditions and life. But isn’t this the stuff that I should be focused on? Shouldn’t I spend time thinking about the options I have and the way I want to act later on in life? But they cause me an insane amount of stress and anxiety. How do I let go and live again? How do I balance a good amount of thinking and analyzing with a bearable amount of pressure and worry? Where can I find these answers? Do I first have to somehow not think about any of this at all so that I can then find a happy medium? Because when I try to do this I instead focus on my past and how much I miss in my life now. I realize how many people I don’t like living without. I think about the experiences that I have had and how I wish to relive them. But what good is this doing me? Am I learning anything from it?…No. Am I moving on from any of this?…Clearly not. So what should I focus my thoughts on? The past makes me sad. The future makes me scared. And the present….well, it is a daily struggle of figuring out if any of this is worth it. Was it worth it to stay in town? Was it worth it to pursue my dance dream? Will I get strong again? Will I feel good again? Will I be truly happy again? What is the balance between worrying and letting everything go? How do I find this balance? Why do I have so many questions…?
Do you ever get that feeling? Something just doesn’t seem quite right wherever you go. You feel that something is going to go terribly wrong but you are unsure what, when and why.
Today I have this feeling. Something just isn’t right in the air today. While nannying the 10 month old (cutest baby in the world!!) down the street, she took a two hour nap which is weird to begin with. While she was napping I kept hearing strange noises and was very scared that something was going to happen to her. I continually checked the locks on doors as well as whether or not her chest was still moving up and down. You could call it paranoia but since this isn’t usually how things are I am unsure where it came from or why it was there. It is a really scary feeling though. I just felt that someone I knew was going to get seriously injured, or in a car accident, or something would happen to my home. As of now (8:25pm) nothing has happened. Maybe it was just a fluke in my day. Maybe nothing will happen. Hopefully nothing will happen.