3 Years Ago, today, an internal switch was flipped and I went a little crazy. I got really sad and confused while lying in this same bed here, in my grandparents attic, talking to someone. I went crazy. A friendship diminished. and like I said I got very confused. Eventually this led to my diagnosis of ‘depression’ and everything making a little bit more sense in the long run but not in the details. Each day is a journey and each accomplishment is a milestone which I am very proud of. Nothing is ultimately perfect like I used to think it would end up, but things are better in the end. If you want to keep up with my current journey feel free to follow me at my new, non-anonymous WordPress blog:
Thanks to those who did follow my journey for so many years. This day will always be more than Christmas to me, it was a turning point in my story, but nonetheless I hope everyone is enjoying their friends and family and holiday celebrations!
“We all want what we ain’t got,
Our favorite doors are always locked.
On a higher hill with a taller top,
We all want what we ain’t got…” –Jake Owen
Why is it that when I finally fall for a guy he’s ways off limits for one reason or another? Either he has a girlfriend, he’s out of my league, he would never want me or he’s just plain off limits. Always I feel this is the case. But now it’s getting out of hand… I’m falling and I know that it’s bad. I can’t fall for him. But I dreamt about us being together once, and now it’s on the front of my mind constantly.
It all started when this girl asked me if he and I were dating. I blushed and instantly said “No hahahah [insert awkward laughing]…” It was just an awkward situation with an awkward question from an awkward girl. How else was I supposed to respond??? And that was that…or so I thought. Then I had a dream that we were dating and cute-sy and he made me smile and laugh (which he already does, just saying!) and I was so genuinely happy that the next time I saw him (like in real life) that’s all I could think about: how happy he made me and the way I felt in my dream when I was with him.
But he is OFF LIMITS. and I know that. Does he have a girlfriend? No. So whyy, you may ask? He looks out for me like it’s his job. sweet?Yes! He tells me jokes to make me smile. kind?Yes! He walks me to my car at the end of the night. gentlemanly?Yes! … But he is my teacher (technically)…, and he is quite a bit older, he’s my mentor…a guardian almost. So I can’t have him. And i know that. But I can’t stop thinking about him in that way and he comes in my dreams [and I NEVER remember my dreams, mind you, but when he’s in them I do] and he makes me happy and protects me and wants whats best and I know he will always be there if I call or voice that I need help or someone to talk or just need someone by my side. That sounds like a pretty great boyfriend to me! I wish… :(
Being alone leads to feeling lonely. Feeling lonely leads to becoming emotional. [For me] becoming emotional leads to stress eating. Stress eating leads to me feeling bad about my body. Feeling bad about my body makes me embarrassed to present myself to people I wish to ‘impress.’ Being embarrassed to present myself to others leads me to being alone. Being alone leads to _________
I think you get the gist. The cycle always comes full circle…
I’ve been feeling a bit lonely of recent. But the strange thing is that I haven’t wanted to interact with people to avoid being alone. So does this make me hypocritical and lack self determination to make myself feel better? I don’t want to talk to people on the phone. I don’t want to hang out with the people who seem to want to hang out with me (tinder ‘friendships’ so I’m not sure how to make this work out…more on those another time :/ ), I don’t want to skype friends from home, I don’t want to reply to people’s texts. And I don’t really know why. I’ve been enjoying the time that I have spent on my own, but I have not enjoyed feeling lonely and depressed.
I think that I would LOVE to have a movie night with an attractive and sweet guy who lives near by…but then I think about it more and would I really rather just stay home and bake? I think that I want to talk to old friends…but then I think about it and would I really rather explore outside on my own while the weather is still decently nice? Would I rather eat lunch by my lonesome by the lake instead of talking to my mom? Would I rather sit on my futon and watch “Grey’s Anatomy” and get emotionally invested in that instead of describing my own emotional rollercoaster to someone else? I think yes, yes I would. I don’t want to put on an act and tell everyone that I “love it here” and “I’m so happy that I made this decision” or that “everything is going exactly as planned and it is all just sunshine and rainbows.” If I knew that someone really wanted to know and understand the trials and tribulations that go into each and every day up here on my own, then maybe, just maybe I would be willing to talk to them, but I know most people just want to hear that I’m happy and enjoying myself. Which I am…but there is OH so much more.
Nonetheless I did enjoy my day on my own, decorating my apartment
Being sick sucks. Being alone when you’re sick: even worse :( All I want right now is someone to hug me tight and assure me that things are going to be okay. Let me know that they care and love me and want what’s best for me. But I don’t know people here…the people I do know are busy with opening night of a dance performance, which I should be involved in but since I’m sick I was cut…so there’s that too. It just seems like so much has been piling up and I can’t seem to get control. I still haven’t met people. I still haven’t found control over my poor eating choices. I still haven’t started feeling like I belong yet and being sick stacked on top of this all makes life really difficult. I don’t know where I stand with anything and I’m just so confused.
I went to urgent care today and surprise surprise they found nothing seriously wrong, story. of. my. life. Most people would be happy with that but for me I just want the answers, to know why I feel like crap and have felt this way for 5 days now. I want there to be a damn good reason why I needed to be cut from the show. But nope! There isn’t one. There never is. They can never find anything and it just complicates things even more. I’m mad, upset, nauseous, sad, lonely….add that all together and you’ve got a messed up girl.
I have struggled with food and weight for many years now. I know that. You know that. My closest peers know that. Now that I am on my own it is becoming a clear obstacle once again and not in the way that I wish it to. I have a lot of time to myself up here in Duluth and what do I spend it doing? Usually eating. Biggest problem being: I am surrounded by a bunch of teeny tiny girls and young women who I strive to look like and dance like. I know what I want to do with myself and how I can accomplish such things yet I still continue to eat when I’m not hungry and gorge myself in chocolate at the end of the night. I know that that’s not what I want to be doing but I do it anyway and it’s becoming a serious problem yet again…
I leave in 2 weeks. HOLY CRAP! I LEAVE IN 2 WEEKS!! Like I can’t even control the emotions that overcome me when I think about it. In 2 weeks I will be at a new school, in a new city, surrounded by new people and sights and sounds…Don’t get me wrong, I am very excited to escape, but it scares the crap out of me. It doesn’t help that my parents started talking to me today about switching around my schedule and rethinking this whole college thing. Granted I brought it up a week ago or so but I figured I would get a semester or a year behind me before I changed my course of action. –I feel like this is completely run on but it’s flowing so I’m going to keep going– I have sort of decided that I want to scratch the whole college only thing and look into auditioning for a company or a more ballet based dance school. Not that Iowa isn’t going to be good, I’m just not entirely sure if it is what I’m looking for and having regrets before you even show up for the first day is a really scary place to be. That’s why I am currently listening to a “rainy day” playlist on Spotify, craving chocolate on chocolate and feeling like I want to cry. That’s normal…right?! Like what is going on with me?? And this guy that I wrote about like a week ago is being really confusing and I don’t know what to do about him anymore. He doesn’t seem to want to talk to me or make me happy or let me make him happy like we did before. He just seems very nonchalant towards me and I don’t know what changed. It stresses me out because he was one of the biggest reasons I was so excited about college. To go in with a guy would be something short of amazing and so not what I’m used to that it would be such a superb change. But now he’s acting weird and I don’t know why. i’ve asked if I did something wrong and he said no. I asked if he was okay and he said yes. But he just isn’t himself…or at least the ‘him’ that I was seemingly getting to know. I don’t know. Maybe it’s for the better so that I don’t feel tied down to someone right off the bat and can have an open eye for people throughout the start of the semester. But at the same time I was really looking forward to spending time with him and having someone to hold and love and to love me back. Is that too much to ask for??? What is going on with my life? I have so much to do and not enough time to do any of it let alone spend time dwelling on the “what if’s”, the “could’ve beens”, and the “should’ve beens”. Anyways now that I have completely confused the crap out of everyone including myself goodbye….
He makes me happy.
That’s the most I want in a guy.
He calls me darling, dear, sweetie and sunshine.
That makes me feel all warm on the inside.
He remembers the little details.
That makes me feel appreciated.
That makes me fall for him.
He’s good with kids.
That makes me smile from ear to ear.
He’s really sweet and tells me I’m perfect.
That makes me fall even deeper for him.
And then I sit here and realize:
We’ve only talked for a total of an hour tops.
We have only known each other for a little over a month.
We have had purely texting communication since mid-July.
We may not see each other in the same way once we are at college.
So what am I supposed to do? Do I continue to let him make me happy and feel good about myself? Or if I do that does that mean I’m leading him on.? Do I look forward to and plan for a possible future this fall at college with him? Or is that leading myself towards disappointment? There has never been a guy this interested in me, who wants to know how I’m doing each day and sends me cute good morning and goodnight texts and who calls me cute names and texts me first and makes me feel so good about myself. I can’t not enjoy his “company” right now but what if I don’t enjoy his actual company in Iowa? Then what am I supposed to do? Do I like the idea of him more than I like him? If so, that is in no way fair to him and I know it. Hellllp!