3 Years Ago, today, an internal switch was flipped and I went a little crazy. I got really sad and confused while lying in this same bed here, in my grandparents attic, talking to someone. I went crazy. A friendship diminished. and like I said I got very confused. Eventually this led to my diagnosis of ‘depression’ and everything making a little bit more sense in the long run but not in the details. Each day is a journey and each accomplishment is a milestone which I am very proud of. Nothing is ultimately perfect like I used to think it would end up, but things are better in the end. If you want to keep up with my current journey feel free to follow me at my new, non-anonymous WordPress blog:
Thanks to those who did follow my journey for so many years. This day will always be more than Christmas to me, it was a turning point in my story, but nonetheless I hope everyone is enjoying their friends and family and holiday celebrations!
The text has been sent. The facebook message has been received. The voicemail has been left. The snapchat has been opened. Whatever means of technology has been used in this day and age, there is always a response which is expected…and then the reality that actually comes.
I’m one of those girls who constantly imagines the way a certain conversation will go…what they will say, what I will say, everything down to the last little smirk left on his face. No matter how many times I guess what his response will be or what phrase he will say, and no matter how many times I am wrong and get a little crushed by it, I can’t stop. I want our conversations to go a certain way only because I want our relationship to go a certain way. I know it’s not going to happen, at least any time soon, but I can’t stop and then it leads to nights like tonight. Where I’m alone, watching Netflix, wanting to cry. It’s pathetic really, but all I wanted him to say was “of course I’ll come over, just give me a second to figure out how to get there. You’re sick and I’d love to spend the night with you” But of course that isn’t the response I get. Instead I’m here all alone in this house cause the family left for the evening and I’ve been sick and I’m cooped up crying over something that I can’t change…
Even this little connection makes my heart skip a beat
Then my head lands on your shoulder
As my eyes begin to flutter shut I hear you whispering to me, telling me that I’m beautiful
It’s so late but now you have my attention once again
Your soft, tender fingers find the patch of skin showing from my slightly lifted shirt
Your lips touch mine and I know whatever happens here I am in the arms of someone who cares about me and I care about them
…As I lie with my head against your perfectly sculpted, bare chest, listening to your heart beat fast, I can’t help but think *was this just a dream?*
It was so perfect. You are so perfect. I’ve waited so long to be this close to you. Am I only imagining you lying next to me in the dim light wrapped in a mess of blankets? Or is this reality…are you really here? On Valentine’s Day? True bliss…
“We all want what we ain’t got,
Our favorite doors are always locked.
On a higher hill with a taller top,
We all want what we ain’t got…” –Jake Owen
Why is it that when I finally fall for a guy he’s ways off limits for one reason or another? Either he has a girlfriend, he’s out of my league, he would never want me or he’s just plain off limits. Always I feel this is the case. But now it’s getting out of hand… I’m falling and I know that it’s bad. I can’t fall for him. But I dreamt about us being together once, and now it’s on the front of my mind constantly.
It all started when this girl asked me if he and I were dating. I blushed and instantly said “No hahahah [insert awkward laughing]…” It was just an awkward situation with an awkward question from an awkward girl. How else was I supposed to respond??? And that was that…or so I thought. Then I had a dream that we were dating and cute-sy and he made me smile and laugh (which he already does, just saying!) and I was so genuinely happy that the next time I saw him (like in real life) that’s all I could think about: how happy he made me and the way I felt in my dream when I was with him.
But he is OFF LIMITS. and I know that. Does he have a girlfriend? No. So whyy, you may ask? He looks out for me like it’s his job. sweet?Yes! He tells me jokes to make me smile. kind?Yes! He walks me to my car at the end of the night. gentlemanly?Yes! … But he is my teacher (technically)…, and he is quite a bit older, he’s my mentor…a guardian almost. So I can’t have him. And i know that. But I can’t stop thinking about him in that way and he comes in my dreams [and I NEVER remember my dreams, mind you, but when he’s in them I do] and he makes me happy and protects me and wants whats best and I know he will always be there if I call or voice that I need help or someone to talk or just need someone by my side. That sounds like a pretty great boyfriend to me! I wish… :(
Being alone leads to feeling lonely. Feeling lonely leads to becoming emotional. [For me] becoming emotional leads to stress eating. Stress eating leads to me feeling bad about my body. Feeling bad about my body makes me embarrassed to present myself to people I wish to ‘impress.’ Being embarrassed to present myself to others leads me to being alone. Being alone leads to _________
I think you get the gist. The cycle always comes full circle…
I’ve been feeling a bit lonely of recent. But the strange thing is that I haven’t wanted to interact with people to avoid being alone. So does this make me hypocritical and lack self determination to make myself feel better? I don’t want to talk to people on the phone. I don’t want to hang out with the people who seem to want to hang out with me (tinder ‘friendships’ so I’m not sure how to make this work out…more on those another time :/ ), I don’t want to skype friends from home, I don’t want to reply to people’s texts. And I don’t really know why. I’ve been enjoying the time that I have spent on my own, but I have not enjoyed feeling lonely and depressed.
I think that I would LOVE to have a movie night with an attractive and sweet guy who lives near by…but then I think about it more and would I really rather just stay home and bake? I think that I want to talk to old friends…but then I think about it and would I really rather explore outside on my own while the weather is still decently nice? Would I rather eat lunch by my lonesome by the lake instead of talking to my mom? Would I rather sit on my futon and watch “Grey’s Anatomy” and get emotionally invested in that instead of describing my own emotional rollercoaster to someone else? I think yes, yes I would. I don’t want to put on an act and tell everyone that I “love it here” and “I’m so happy that I made this decision” or that “everything is going exactly as planned and it is all just sunshine and rainbows.” If I knew that someone really wanted to know and understand the trials and tribulations that go into each and every day up here on my own, then maybe, just maybe I would be willing to talk to them, but I know most people just want to hear that I’m happy and enjoying myself. Which I am…but there is OH so much more.
Nonetheless I did enjoy my day on my own, decorating my apartment
Happy post!! Happy post!! I am super excited to come back to all of you with happy news instead of depressed news. I have been having a pretty solid week! After going home last weekend, I expected this weekend to be a drag, but it wasn’t and I am so pleased that I took the chance to feel accepted and loved by those that I’ve been striving for it from the most :)
Soo…rewind: Last weekend was my first time home in 7 weeks, and it couldn’t have been better! I got to see my dad, and friends and old coworkers and my previous dance teachers and life was just flippin’ fantastic! So as I drove home Monday night (I didn’t get home til 10:40pm…So I mean that kinda was rough) I had time to ponder what this weekend would consist of. What did I come up with?: Netlix. Food. Loneliness.
That’s about it. Because let’s be real what else do I do with my time especially when I have a lot of it? I knew it was Halloween weekend which would mean that I would see an influx of posts about parties and people dressed up and being drunk and having a good time. And I would probably take these in from the comfort of my couch and look on longingly wishing that I had people to spend my nights with.
But plans can change and within a couple of hours none of the above could be true! And it wasn’t :) I was invited very last minute to the dance company’s Halloween party, and at first I wasn’t going to go. I’m awkward in social situations and I don’t want to ruin any good things that I possibly have going. Buuut then again I want to be “in” with these people and maybe this could be beneficial. The problem is that I’m not really in the company, but I’m also not really in the school. So I’m still struggling to find my place within the ballet and the people in it. Eventually though I decided to go, and I am SO happy that I did :) I enjoyed myself for the first time in a long time and I do feel that I got closer with the people that I really do spend a lot of time with. I wasn’t stupid, but I also didn’t hold back. After a short time I wasn’t completely socially awkward and for that I am proud!
Then to top off the night I was walked to my car very sweetly ending with a good night hug from the guy who’s been looking out for me since day 1. He could have stayed and just partied the night away but he took the time to make sure that I made it to my car safely and I was alright to drive myself home. It is amazing the little actions that can make you feel accepted and loved by those around you <3
Being sick sucks. Being alone when you’re sick: even worse :( All I want right now is someone to hug me tight and assure me that things are going to be okay. Let me know that they care and love me and want what’s best for me. But I don’t know people here…the people I do know are busy with opening night of a dance performance, which I should be involved in but since I’m sick I was cut…so there’s that too. It just seems like so much has been piling up and I can’t seem to get control. I still haven’t met people. I still haven’t found control over my poor eating choices. I still haven’t started feeling like I belong yet and being sick stacked on top of this all makes life really difficult. I don’t know where I stand with anything and I’m just so confused.
I went to urgent care today and surprise surprise they found nothing seriously wrong, story. of. my. life. Most people would be happy with that but for me I just want the answers, to know why I feel like crap and have felt this way for 5 days now. I want there to be a damn good reason why I needed to be cut from the show. But nope! There isn’t one. There never is. They can never find anything and it just complicates things even more. I’m mad, upset, nauseous, sad, lonely….add that all together and you’ve got a messed up girl.