Monthly Archives: May 2013

Goodbye

“How many times can I break til I shatter?” The song ‘Shattered’ is playing as I start writing this post which is pretty much perfect cause it is what I am thinking right now.

Today was all sorts of bad. I’m sick for starters which really doesn’t bring about any good news, especially since I’ve been sick for a week and a half now and I am just ready to be better. Also this bad weather and the stress of the end of the year is really putting a fire under my depression. I feel so much worse than I have in a while with my thoughts going where I was hoping they would never go again. Tonight in the shower I was planning my farewell letter and thinking about ways to leave. Would it really matter to anyone if I were gone? No one seems to care now so why would they care after I made the final decisive move? Who would come to say there last goodbye? Would anyone cry? Would people truly be sad, or did they see it coming anyway and wouldn’t be very surprised? These are my thoughts for the night and I really can not answer any of them.

I think that my life and others’ lives may be better if I were to be gone for good finally. I don’t want to put up with this shit anymore, especially when everyone claims that ‘I am doing better’ when I have never said that to anyone. I just think I’m better at faking it then I was before but I’m tired of faking it and I’m kind of ready to go.

Update

Today was again a slow day but with a lot of realizations. I started off my day with this senior breakfast and then awards/recognition ceremony. I thought it was going to be pretty boring but I actually had a nice time and found out I am in the top 10% of my class which is always good news :) Due to this ceremony I didn’t have to go to school, and I’m not complaining about that! When I came home I got to spend the afternoon with my best friend, my 3 year old neighbor. He always knows how to brighten my day! I then proceeded to attend and take part of ballet class today….Oh boy. That was interesting. I feel as though I don’t really fit with the group I take class with anymore since I’ve been out for so long so it ended up being pretty awkward but thankfully my ankle hasn’t seemed to suffer yet! It is a good thing that this year is coming to an end and a new group will be there next fall for me to join and hopefully feel a part of again. I am still really worried with dance but hopefully my teachers and I can talk soon and I can figure out some of my worries and where things can go from here. Last thought of the night: I have realized that I really enjoy making other people feel good about themselves. I feel that since I don’t feel good about myself I wish that others will feel the opposite of me. I try and cheer people up when I can and have realized that doing that has an impact on my own life as well which is always a plus!

Lies, one more random thought: I don’t know why but today I like didn’t eat. For breakfast I had a handful of teddy grahams and a pancake, lunch was half a muffin and dinner was a chewy granola bar. I don’t really know what got into me. It may have been nerves or else I am retraining my body to need less food, I am unsure but we will see what tomorrow brings. Goodnight all <3

Second Thoughts

Today was one of my easiest days in a long time. I slept til noon (granted I didn’t get to sleep til 3 am since there were so many things rushing through my head), finished some things for my grad party and other than that didn’t do much else. The problem with today was that everything I did had consequences in some way to how my mind was racing and how I was feeling despite the fact that it was laid back and smooth sailing.

Tonight my mom asked me to look through a video she had made to play at my party. It was all of my dance videos. Usually this would be fine cause I love reliving old moments and dances and seeing all of the costumes that I’ve had in the past. The problem was that instead of enjoying the little things I was looking at I picked apart myself instead. I was the typical dancer critic noticing every single little flaw that I made and not seeing much improvement over the years as I thought I had made. I use to view myself as one of the top of the classes but now I am having doubts. Where did I ever get these ideas? I’ve been awkward for so long and never left that awkward stage. I never became a good dancer like I once thought. I always had questioned why I never got larger parts in our productions and pieces but now I know why. I was never good. I have never been good. I have definitely never been at the top. So why am I wasting away a year this fall to get back on my feet to be able to dance again?? Why am I putting myself through the terrible times at home for ANOTHER year? Whyyy? I don’t know if it will ever be possible for me to make it into a college program and succeed. I am floppy and my feet look awful and I can’t control my limbs to save my life. How am I supposed to overcome all of this by the time auditions roll around again when I have to still get better in terms of my ankle’s status as well? I am having second thoughts about what I plan on doing with this life and have no one to share this with. I really need to talk to someone and soon cause this is going to tear me apart pretty soon. My future is doomed to say the least and tonight solidified that fact.

Random thought of the night: What if no one comes to my graduation party? I am so scared of that occurring…

Disordered Thinking

Eating disorders are some of the scariest things that I see or read about on a day to day basis. Being a dancer the topic of food, body image and disordered thoughts is about as common as that of what the french words themselves mean. Dancers and skaters have it harder than any other sports in my opinion based on the fact that we wear body tight clothing, get judged on how we look (supposedly it is on how our body moves, but it ultimately comes down to how your personal body image projects across to the audience or judges), and we stare at ourselves on a daily basis in a mirror or through photographs and videos to judge ourselves and our performances. I know that I have never had too great of a personal self image. I have never had anything as extreme as an eating disorder, but my thoughts have come on the verge and I judge myself when looking in a mirror various times throughout each day. I worry about how I look. I worry about my weight. I worry about how my body is portrayed to the public. I worry about way too much and weight and body image are a huge part of my daily worries. I wish I were skinner, healthier, more in shape, had less fat on my body, had less arm muscle, had thinner legs, had a thigh gap. These are the thoughts which are constantly running through my head every time I come across a mirror and it really scares me. I am scared of what these thoughts could turn into and what they are doing to me right now. I am constantly comparing myself to other people, pictures, or descriptions of others, wishing that I could somehow look like them at the end of the day. I know that I am not as beautiful as I wish I were. I don’t try as hard as some people though. I don’t have to have the most expensive clothing and I don’t have to wear makeup. But when I do do these things I finally feel a little better. My self esteem rises a bit. But I don’t want to have to do these things to feel good about myself. I wish I had a positive self image and I wish I could portray that through my aura and people could feed off of it. Instead I am surrounded by others who feel this same way. Some of my friends from dance have lost weight, are trying to get more in shape, or are constantly discussing their food choices and clothing sizes with me. This fuels desires inside of me that need to escape and I start to get more focused on these topics in my life as well . I am scared of what I will become. I am scared of how new people will influence me when I leave the people I am use to being around once I head off to college. I am so fricken scared and so unsure of what to do.

The other day I was in my neighbors house and saw a book by the title “A Parents Guide to Beating a Teenage Eating Disorder.” This in and of itself scares me. Their daughter is 12 or 13 years old and she is already thinking this way. She is already manifesting these habits into her life. I want to talk to her. Help her. I want to be a support system to her so that she doesn’t get worse. She is one of the most beautiful teens that I have ever seen. She is so young. So much is ahead of her and I don’t want to see her get destroyed by these thoughts as well. This also though made me think of me and my situation. Do my parents even know how I feel about myself? They are always cracking jokes pertaining to my size and the fat on my stomach. Do they realize that these hurt me so much? The other day when I was barely eating I finally was feeling good about myself. I finally felt a little bit skinnier and more in shape. This past summer I barely ate for a solid 10 days and it was the best I had ever felt. I had dropped about 6 pounds and felt so fantastic, but then I knew I had to stop. My mom was back in town after being on vacation and I knew she would get on my case about my eating habits and how they had changed when she was gone. And you see the problem is when I don’t eat and then I start to eat again I bloat so badly that I am now embarrassed to look at pictures from that vacation she and I took once she got back in town. I pick apart those pictures so critically when I look back on them based on how bad I looked. I just someday want to understand where these thoughts are coming from and how to destroy them. I want to feel beautiful without taking drastic measures, but I have yet to figure out how.

Boys, Boys, Boys!

Boys. Such a small word with so much behind it. Every girl out there has some story to share, some emotion to unravel, some inspirational words for others to let loose. Boys. Such a distraction from the everyday life of a female. Boys. Causing such frustration when the little things go wrong. Boys. Boys. Boys.

Some people have it so easy when it comes to interacting with the opposite sex. Then there are people like me. I don’t know what it is but I’ve always been this way. Steering clear of those that I have my eye on, reading into every little thing that goes right or wrong, pushing and hoping for things that just aren’t present. I’m flat out envious of the girls who can act all flirty and such just to get a cute guy to look their way and then act all innocent even when they aren’t in reality. I watch the guys I crush on walk right past me without a second glance in my direction. I don’t make it known that I have a thing for them since when I have in the past things have gone majorly wrong and I don’t want a repeat of that situation.

I read into everything. When I say everything, I mean everything. I notice the little things: how long it takes them to text back, where and how often the little exclamation point is used in our conversations, the fact that he hasn’t accepted my grad party invite on facebook but has accepted other people’s. And that brings up another thing. It is all technologically based. I rarely converse with guys. I text, facebook chat, any kind of electronic communication out there I have probably used. Talking always ends awkwardly and I don’t have the chance to think about what would be appropriate to say next. I wish I weren’t this way, but this is just how I work. It’s awful though because it then makes face to face contact even more awkward than it needs to be. Soo if there’s anyone out there who wants to give me hints that’d be MUCH appreciated! I don’t want to be alone forever. I want to be noticed. I don’t want to make a fool of myself, but I do want guy friends. I have only had a few in the past and these days I do not know if the boys I considered myself to be friends with actually view me as a friend anymore based on my actions and our interactions, or lack there of these days. So please. I would really appreciate words of wisdom, stories, anything to make my situation any easier. Thanks!

“There’s a girl
Who sits under the bleachers
Just another day eating alone
And though she smiles
There is something just hiding
And she cant find a way to relate.
She just goes unnoticed
As the crowd passes by
And she’ll pretend to be busy
When inside she just wants to cry.
She’ll say…

Take a little look at the life of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little harder, I really really want you to put yourself in her shoes
Take another look at the face of Miss Always Invisible…”
-Marie Digby. “Miss Invisible” Lyrics.

Tonight as I lied in bed sick I just listened to music for about 2 hours just taking in the lyrics. This song came up on my Pandora station, and I had never heard it before but it really struck me as one I related to. When I was younger I was the chatterbox of the classroom. All of my parent-teacher conferences consisted of my teacher telling my parents: “_ _ _ _ _ _ is never quiet in class. _ _ _ _ _ _ is constantly talking and distracting the students around her from the lesson which we are trying to teach.” This all changed once 6th grade came though. I became the girl in the background. The girl who was scared to talk to her classmates. The girl who’s face turned red as soon as any boy would talk to her. I am that girl to this day; only now I am much much worse than I used to be. These days I barely have friends. These days when I am around people my age I am always outside of the circle of people talking or else am just the silent one listening to what everyone else has to say. I have regressed to the age where I couldn’t talk. Where I wouldn’t talk. My parents use to tell me when I was about 5 or 6 years old: “Man, these days you sure are making up for all those days where you didn’t talk.” Now though, I wonder what they think of me. I wonder if they notice I’m not that little girl they used to know. Have they noticed my disappearance in crowds? Has anyone noticed me becoming “Miss Invisible”?

I am currently sick wish some nasty bug. I am really worried at the moment that my recently obtained job will not want me anymore since I was supposed to start training on Monday night, but was too sick to go in. The plus side to all this: I am under 100 lbs again, my ideal weight. The negative: I want to stay this weight, but know that I have to get better soon. So we’ll see where this takes me. And on another random note: due to my sickness I believe that my brain is not functioning as it usually does. Where I put the notation: _ _ _ _ _ _ I almost wrote my name the first time. Then I had to remind myself: This is an anonymous blog for a reason. Now though I am thinking whether or not I will ever come out with my true identity…