Monthly Archives: September 2013

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

Will I ever be skinny enough?

Will I ever feel good about my body and my eating habits?

Will I ever dance to my best potential?

Will my boss ever not be upset with me about one thing or another?

Will my parents ever be truly happy with me and my decisions?

Will I ever succeed in the future?

Will I ever be loved?

Will I ever reconnect with old friends?

Will I ever treat people the way I want to be treated?

Will I ever listen to my own thoughts instead of purely being influenced by those around me?

Will I ever give back to my community?

Will I ever have money that I am willing to spend on myself and others?

Will my ankle ever fully heal?

Will I ever not be in pain emotionally, physically and mentally?

Will I ever find my significant other?

Will I ever get back to being in shape?

Will I ever not be depressed?

Will I ever share my entire story with someone else?

Will I ever overcome the obstacles which I create within myself?

Will I ever leave a positive mark on someones life?

Will I ever feel proud of who I have become?

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Feeling Lost

I seriously hate those moments where everything bothers you. Nothing can make you smile. No one can make your day for more than a millisecond and then you are reminded of why you were feeling so down just a moment ago. All of your emotions come rushing over you as though you are standing underneath a waterfall of them. The tears are on the verge of falling straight down your face, but you hold them back to prevent from showing anyone else what you are going through. It amazes me how quickly these feelings can overcome your entire being. It can happen anytime and anywhere. You thought you were doing better and then ‘Bam!’ everything is going downhill. Nothing seems right.

Recently I have kind of been in a slump with my emotions. It as though I am pissed off at the world without having anyone to be upset with. I have realized that I have like 2 real friends in my life. That’s scary. Really, really scary. I have realized that I have a huge eating problem. HUGE. I have absolutely no idea what to do about it and have no one to talk to to see their opinions of it. I feel like I should go into the doctor but I don’t want my parents knowing I have an issue so I am unsure how this will come about. I have realized that the future scares the crap out of me. I am so scared to make major decisions. I can barely decide what I want for dinner let alone what career I want in 20 years down the road. I have realized that I am an adult and can officially make my own decisions. If I think I need depression medication I can make that decision on my own. My parents don’t need to tell me what I can and can not do anymore. I have realized that I may have some more emotional and scholastic issues than I originally thought*. I have realized that I am a hermit. I stay in my house for so much time each day with little to no communication with other people. I rarely have plans aside from work and dance. I have no opportunity to meet new people and go on new adventures with others. I pretty much have no life. I have lost contact with pretty much everyone from high school.

All of these thoughts and realizations scare me. I have no idea what I am doing with my life and the day to day struggles are proving to be really tough. Some days are better than others, but some days I have absolutely no motivation or drive to succeed and work my hardest to be the best that I can be. I am scared that I am all around worse than I like to pretend. I am more depressed than I like to believe. But does anyone know this? Does anyone care? It surely doesn’t seem like it at times like these…

*I took part in a study at the Mayo Clinic in early August and received the results last night. They have found even more issues with my life than I thought so now have to schedule a follow up appointment to find out more info:/

Making Progress

“Dance is an hourly and daily discipline, but it is also a lifelong happiness.”

Getting back into dance after a break of almost 7 months is one of the hardest things ever, yet the easiest at the same time. Each and every class I participate in I am reminded of my passion and joy of movement yet still strive towards perfection. I realize that, yes, I am meant to dance. I am meant to be onstage under the lights. I am meant to express my love through my dancing and ignite a light in those watching. I am meant to transfer my joy through my movement to the little girls that I teach from week to week. I am meant to dance!

This isn’t to say that I am not struggling. I hurt physically, mentally and emotionally on a daily basis while easing back into things. There is pain, sweat, tears…but still I smile and just push to work my hardest day in and day out. I am striving each and every day to hear my instructors express their happiness in how far I have come but more than anything I am waiting for the day that I leave class and feel that I have made it back to where I started. I can not wait for that day to come! I know that I will have to wait and push on but when that realization comes I will be so ecstatic. It will be practically life changing.

Being injured changed a lot of my plans for my future. Did I ever expect to be sitting in my own room right now? Never. Did I think I would be working during my first year out of high school? Never. Did I think that I would be given the opportunity to teach little girls at this stage in my life? Never. But with each change comes the positives and the negatives. I am learning and growing as an individual day by day. My dancing is getting stronger and hopefully my attitude is as well. I hope that when the time for auditions rolls around I will be in a great place both emotionally and physically. I want to prove to myself that I have made it!

You Make Me Smile :)

:)

1. The 3 year old down the street: You make me smile because you are like a best friend to me. Whenever I am feeling down you can put a smile on my face. You light up the room with your energy and spunk. You say the darndest things and are just too precious for words!

2. My assistant manager: You can read me better than most people and I have only known you for a couple of months. You know when I am feeling down and can lift me up again. You crack jokes and make fun of me in a way that brings a smile to my face:)

3. My closest friend: We relate. You get me. I get you. This makes life so much easier to get through from day to day. You listen. You care. You love. You respect. You cherish the good moments. You help me get past the bad. You help me out. You make me smile!

4. My coworker:  I was intimidated by you at first but now I would definitely consider you a friend. You also know how to make me laugh and truly enjoy work. I appreciate you and all you have done for me!

5. The guy I was texting yesterday: You are such a special individual in my life. We have been friends all throughout high school and you have really proven our friendship time and time again. You know how to make me feel loved and appreciated. We have a special friendship that I would hope is never lost<3

6. The cute guys who came to my window at work: Damn, you were very attractive boys! You sure made me and my coworker smile! I would not mind if you were to come back when I looked a little less like crap, yea thanks!

7. My grandparents: You both cherish life so much and share your love so generously. I love you guys and just wish I could see you more frequently. Your compassion is out of this world!

8. The 8-month old down the street: Seriously you are the cutest baby in the entire world! You know how to make anyone smile and laugh because of your adoration and cute little smiles and gestures. I appreciate you!

9. My current dance teachers: You are such inspirations to me as both a dancer and an individual in society. You are so supportive and just purely awesome in so many ways! I have loved getting to know you both over the past year and I have finally connected with you guys on a more personal level. You helped me grow as a dancer even when I wasn’t able to dance and this growth continues now that I can. Thank you!!

10. My physical therapist: You are the BEST physical therapist in Rochester…no doubt about it! You have helped me reach a level of improvement this past summer that I never thought was possible a few months back. You help me recover as well as share insight on your life and experiences during each session. You are much more than just a physical therapist to me; you are a role model and a friend. You can make me laugh and you sure do make me smile:)

11. The guy off in another country: I have loved seeing your updates and pictures posted. You are smiling and that makes me happy to see you happy. You are such a keen listener and a great advice giver. Your last post really spoke to me. Even though it wasn’t written directly for me, it surely felt like it was. I can’t wait to catch up when you get home!!

12. My new found friend: We may not have been friends for long, but you are a wonderful friend and I can not wait to party it up next weekend:) You’re the best!

Although all of these descriptions of the people and the situations are beyond vague they mean something to me. It is important to dwell on the little things in life that can make you happy and realize that eventually they become the big things. These are the people I will remember down the road because they put in an effort to make me smile, so thank you to all of you! :)

Am I Being a Diva?

My “freshman” year of college has approached even though I am taking the year off from school and am staying at home with my parents (ugh). With this comes a lot of changes around the household and it feels at times that I actually am living on my own and starting to support myself.

I think back on my life and I was very much so supported by my parents emotionally as well as financially. I had food on the table, clothes in my closet and plenty of toys to play with as a child. As the years went on I stopped asking for quite as much on a regular basis, but when I would ask for things they would be bigger and therefore more expensive: a laptop, an ipod, a phone, money for gas and pointe shoes. The smaller things in life (such as new clothes and shoes) were much less often given to me because I realized I had what I needed. My sister on the other hand continually got the smaller items and wouldn’t ask for the bigger. I therefore tended to get on edge when my parents wouldn’t grant my requests about a new dress for Christmas Eve service, but had already bought her one. But then does this make me a diva? Living off of my parents for the expensive things in life and getting flustered when my wishes weren’t granted? I know that the cost of life is HUGE, even larger than I can imagine right now. But I also know that my income is nowhere near what my parents make in a given week, month, or year. I am more than grateful for the food, the bed, the dance lessons and the doctor’s appointments that my parents are currently providing me but it is going to be quite an adjustment to start paying for my own gas, my own clothes and items such as a laptop and a phone bill. It is going to be even harder since I know that whenever my parents visit my sister she goes on shopping sprees and they pay for everything. And I know this will not occur with me since they see me every day. I feel very full of myself writing this, but it is just really hard to make these changes especially with someone who hates (and I mean HATES) spending money. Half the time when I buy something I will end up returning it because I feel it was too expensive. Half of those times it wasn’t. I just freaked out and started feeling guilty.

Here is to a year of spending money when necessary and putting money away for college whenever possible…Here goes nothing!

Time Well Spent

Well hello everyone! I feel like it has been a long time since I have blogged. It isn’t as though I haven’t had anything to write about but more or less that I haven’t had any time to write! This “school” year is going to be so crazy busy but I am more than pleased with the amount of craziness because that means more time on my own and less time to think about the things that I do not really feel like focusing my attention on. I am not taking school at all this first semester which is a nice break but it feels really really weird. I don’t know what to do with myself when I am sitting in my room without homework and projects. I also feel that I am losing some of the skills that I attained throughout high school so I may take some free online math and german courses just to keep everything fresh! I am working 3 jobs plus dancing umpteen million hours a week, working out, going to physical therapy and taking on random side jobs like babysitting and dogsitting. In other words: I will be busy!

Friends and good times are the best ways to spend the downtime which does occur on the occasion! Wednesday evening I stopped by work to catch up with some coworkers, pick up my paycheck, and spend a night talking with my closest friend. We didn’t meet up until after 9:30pm yet we still stayed outside for almost 2 hours talking about anything and everything in our lives. When I returned home I realized that she is the only person that I can sit down and physically talk to about the things we discuss. Anyone else I confide in or “talk” to about certain things tends to be electronic (usually texts) so that I can plan out my words effectively so I get my point across. I also feel less judged that way. But with her I can talk straight to and know she will not judge me but instead help me.

Help is so key to anyone’s life but especially if they are living in recovery from something. When I was in therapy I held back and lied a lot just to get by with my sessions and try and pretend I was doing better. She did not really help me. We talked about the past a lot but not really what was going on in the present. Instead of what was bothering me at the time it was mostly focused on what couldn’t be changed anymore but my feelings connected to past events. My help at the time was the fact that such things had past, not discussing them with a stranger who I never felt any sort of connection with or trust in. Now though I have someone in my life who I do trust. I can spend time with her. We can have fun or we can have deep talks. We get each other and we can help each other. I am looking forward to spending this next year with her in my life knowing that I have someone I can confide in and I can help her along the way as well :)