In one of my older posts I discussed how much I love my job and my coworkers and am usually my happiest when I am with them. This is why today was a really weird day. I went into work at noon with a positive outlook on the day because I knew I would be working with my two favorite and closest coworkers and I haven’t worked in a week so hopefully it would boost my happiness. Instead though I was silent and feeling down and out of it all afternoon. They continually asked me if I was okay and what was wrong. I sadly didn’t have an answer because I have absolutely no idea what hit me. It could have been the fact that I went to bed and woke up with my mom mad at me. Or it could be because everyone is heading off to college now and I am stuck at home doing the same old same old. Or maybe because I am struggling with friends. Or maybe because I have to spend the entire weekend with my family with no escape if things go awry. Or because I am struggling with my body image and I feel fat and out of shape.
The problem though is I have no idea if it’s any of these things, a combination of all of them or maybe something completely different. Today my depression hit me in the face and was unexplainable as usual. It wasn’t that I don’t like working. It wasn’t cause I was bored. It wasn’t merely because I was tired.
I hate feeling like this and I really hate not being able to tell anyone else what is going on. I can’t explain what I am feeling to anyone because I can’t even explain it to myself. I feel bad for leaving them just as confused as I was with it all but I honestly have nothing else to say about it, especially not aloud. I wish that this empty feeling would go away and I could start feeling happy (truly happy) again, but I don’t think it is that easy anymore. I am stuck in a downward motion and will have to find the strength to climb out of it and be on top of and in control of my life again. Hopefully someday soon.
I am so grateful for my health right now. So eternally grateful. Sometimes I wonder why I got dealt the cards I did. I could have been born anyone: a poverty-striken child in Africa, a daughter born into a life of slavery, a paraplegic, plagued with cancer, anything. Instead, I’m me. I never want to take me for granted.
I spent my entire life- up until the past few months- fighting me. I was my worst critic, a failure in my own eyes. I was constantly anxious and stressed. I felt angry and tense. I trudged through life with my eyes only focused on the future, but I wore my past on my back, and it was heavy. Little time was spent in the present. Little time was spent remembering just how to breathe.
Last night was a rue awakening of how fleeting anything and everything can be…
When I am emotional I eat. When I eat I get upset about how much I’ve eaten. This then makes me more emotional. I then eat even more…
I hope I am not the only one in this situation, but I seriously think that I have some sort of food problem (I wouldn’t necessarily say eating disorder, but problem for sure). I have consumed soo many calories over the past few days and truthfully over the past 6 months and most of it is due to me being emotional, or upset, or depressed about one thing or another. I don’t do this eating in front of others, but I tend to stash food in my room or in my purse and will binge in the car or quietly late at night while I am on the verge of tears or confused about everything around me. I rarely eat in front of others to begin with (in fear that I will be judged) and dessert is a pretty much NO GO when I am with people. Therefore all of this eating is done alone and secretive. I feel so awful though after or while eating this food but it does not stop me from continuing to indulge. I get more upset and start to cry harder sometimes but I keep stuffing my face because I feel in some way it will help. It never does. Instead I tell myself the next day that I need to counteract the overeating the night before and eat healthy. This usually backfires though and I continue to eat badly and continue to feel worse and worse. I think I have a serious problem. I am way too scared to tell anyone though…
So you know how everyone tells incoming seniors to not take a single moment for granted, but to live up your final moments with your friends and family? Yea, well that is not how my senior year went. Instead of enjoying the time with my friends, I lost many of them and very rarely saw anyone. My family and I went through hard time after hard time. Fight after fight. My senior year was so different than expected and now is leading me to staying in town at home for another year. This seems like the best decision at times and the absolute worst at others…
We move my sister back into college tomorrow which means that tomorrow begins my time at home with just my parents once again. I survived last year since I went straight from school to dance, I would come home for dinner, head back to dance and then come home straight to my room to do homework into the wee hours of the night. I rarely came in contact with my parents it seemed. On top of this I had rehearsals for dance productions for most of the day on the weekends and if I wasn’t at dance I would be up in my room doing homework. In the fall things were shaky, but they weren’t unbearable. Come winter and spring when I wouldn’t go to dance was when things started getting worse and worse as I was home a lot more. This is what this year will be like since I am not taking any school classes so will be home most of the morning. Thankfully I have a few jobs so can focus my time on that but I am still really nervous for what this year will bring.
I have absolutely NO wishes to relive my senior year. I hated senior year with a passion and now I am pretty much in the same situation again. I once again have to apply to colleges and await the dreaded weeks for acceptance/rejection letters to arrive. I have to plan auditions for the dance programs. I have to fork up tons of money to do all of this, plus attend auditions and plan for my future. I am already stressed and the year hasn’t even begun yet. There are times when I really regret choosing to stay home instead of just heading off to college this fall. This year will be an adventure to say the least, but hopefully with a better ending than the first time around.
We have hit the point in summer where people begin taking off for college and orientation and different adventures as they start a new chapter of their lives. This is also the time where the goodbyes begin to be said and the final hugs are given for quite some time. This is when you begin to realize who impacted you and who you will truly miss from your life. You know which goodbyes will be hard and which may not even be said at all.
So far I have bid farewell to 2 of my friends and they are the ones which will be hardest to see go of anyone. Both though I did get to see before they left and I am so thankful for that. They have both helped me so much in the past and it is so sad to think of them not being just a short drive away. One is off in Boston already, and the other leaves the country on Tuesday. I am very surprised that tears have not been shed yet but I know when it really hits me they will fiercely fall…
On Saturday after work I met with someone to get coffee and we literally just sat there talking for a good almost two hours. He has meant so much to me that it is so hard to think that that was the final time we will talk face to face for 8 months. He is so inspirational and intellectual. He has helped me through some really tough times and he just gets me. Sometimes it seems that he knows me better than I know myself. We have both had a hard past, in different ways, but we can still find it in us to relate to one another. He truly cares about me and I care about him. He is a real, true friend. The thing that he said that will stick with me forever is: “We have talked quite a bit over this year and yet you’re still not as happy as I wish you would be.” This just meant soo much to me. He wants me to be happy and he could see that I still wasn’t even though I was managing to fool everyone else in my life. I love him as a friend and I am truly going to miss him. He promised me that we could be in contact and that means the world to me. Even though he will be thousands of miles away I still know he will be there and he will still care.
“This isn’t a ‘goodbye’ it’s a ‘see you later’!”
“Will you still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful?”
Recently I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about society, appearance and expectations. It thoroughly amazes me how much time girls (particularly) put into how they look, instead of how they feel, each and every day. I used to think that to fit in with society’s expectations of a teenage girl I needed to wear brand name clothing, makeup and my hair better look spot on every day. But truthfully instead of portraying a “beautiful image” girls just need to feel beautiful in their own skin. Why not wear what is cute and comfy instead of unaffordable and skimpy? Why not go all natural with your hair and lack of makeup instead of caking on layers and layers of a fake appearance and spending hours making your hair look absolutely perfect? Sometimes it is necessary. Instead of becoming beautiful try to feel beautiful. Be the person God created you to be instead of just conforming to the ins of society. Why be what everyone else looks like when you were created to be your own person in this world? Just because you do not wear makeup does NOT make you not beautiful. If you get your clothes all from “cheap” stores, who cares! Make them work for you instead of making them work for society.
Right now the crazes are crop tops, high waisted everything and chopping off your hair. But why? Why would you cut your hair just because your friends did? Did you like your hair the way it was? Then keep it that way! Be your own person! Follow what makes you happy! Do you feel uncomfortable showing that much of your stomach in a crop top? Yes..? Then DON’T BUY THEM!! It is as simple as that. Instead wear something that you yourself are comfortable in.
Most people my age are heading off to college next year and are realizing that once they get there they can be whomever they want to be. They can be themselves finally instead of being ‘stuck’ in the image of the person they had created themselves as in high school. It is a chance to start new. But instead of making drastic changes to your appearance to fit in with your new friends I challenge you to find yourself first. Figure out what makes you happy and who you want to be as an individual before worrying about how you will look to the hot guy who sits across from you in your Calculus class. Make the next four years count in terms of experience not appearance. When you think back on your time in college you will remember the people you met and the things you did. I promise you that you will NOT remember what brand of makeup you were wearing on October 21st, 2015, or which cardigan and pair of shoes you had on. Instead you may meet the love of your life. Or begin your new internship with the top company in your surrounding area. These are the things that impact your life in some way and are what you should spend time making decisions about to better your future. Tomorrow: put down the mascara, look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself “I am beautiful.” It is as simple as those 3 words, but something that people very rarely tell themselves until they have created their appearance to fit the expectations of society.
Do you ever have those nights where you just shut down? You feel distant from the people around you and are confused by your own thoughts. Your brain starts to take over your body and sends you into a dark and scary place. You have no idea what overtook you but you are scared of where it will release you “back” into the world.
Sometimes in these situations you just need a small escape. You may need someone there to help you through it or another distraction to ease your mind. I have come to find that in these situations the people who truly care and want to listen and help you are not usually the people you would have thought of a few months ago. For example a few nights ago I was at my friends house for a while. She is the friend that I confide things to, so frequently we end up just talking for a while when we are together. The other night though I ended up talking with her mom as well. She is a wonderful listener and I feel as though I can open up to her more than my own mom because she doesn’t seem to judge me in any way, shape, or form. I have talked with her about life a few times over the past few months and to think that I did not even know who she was a year ago. Another individual who I have been feeling thoughtfulness from her to me is someone who I just met at the end of June and is actually my assistant manager. She cares. She listens. She loves. Simple as that. I had a mental breakdown last night and she was the one who was able to calm me down.
It amazes me sometimes to reflect back on my life and think about the various people who have come and gone in and out of my life who I have confided in. There are only a select few. Most them seem to leave after a given amount of time and do not seem to care anymore. These 2 individuals though I do not sense will ever not be concerned or caring towards me. I love them in a different way than I love my friends or my family. They hold a special place in my heart and someday I will truly have to find a way to share this with them <3