How is it fair? I can give advice to people but can’t take it myself. I can tell people that everything will work out in the end and for the best yet I can’t believe that to be true myself. I can get emotionally attached to patients on “Grey’s Anatomy” rooting for them to survive and be happy but I have no one in real life rooting for me to be the same. I can stay up for hours helping a friend through a tough time but as soon as we say goodnight I can look outside of a window and start to cry. There just doesn’t seem to be anyone who cares no matter how much hope I try and instill in other people’s lives. And it really isn’t fair. It’s not. At all.
It can’t. It can’t. It can’t. Weight is merely a number. It can not determine whether you have a good day or a bad day. It can’t make the decision for you about anything. You are still loved. You are still cared for. You have the same responsibilities to uphold no matter what your size. Weight should not be a focus of people’s lives, but sadly it is. It is a focus of mine. It is a focus of my neighbor’s. It is a focus of people that I would never think to be focused on it. It is a sad truth that we need to overcome…
Why I’m discussing this today is because of my personal situations regarding weight and size and appearance. I majorly struggle with all of this. I know that I am not overweight but I do not know that I am not fat. People can tell me whatever they want but it won’t change how I feel regarding it. The past few days have been really hard for me to get through mentally and emotionally. Therefore I have put my reliance on food to keep me sane. This sounds crazy because I know it will drive me up a wall later but in the present moment sometimes food can help calm me and relax me. Stupid? Yes. Does it work? Sometimes. Is it healthy? Hell NO. Yet I continue with these behaviors. The past couple of days I haven’t been able to stop eating. So today when I had to put on my leotard and tights for class I feared the outcome. As usual I weighed myself prior to doing so and guess what? I had lost weight since yesterday. But how? How is this humanly possible? How was that number smaller than yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that, and all the way since January 17th? How and why did this happen? But just because my weight went down does not mean that I was happy with how I looked in my tight clothing. I still saw every flaw and I still felt worse than I did on Thursday. My number may have been lower but it did not mean that I felt any better about myself. Weight is and only can be a number. I know that I should not focus so much time and energy on such a small thing since it doesn’t determine how I feel in my body no matter how small. It is a hard barrier to overcome because I know that I am not happy with any of it but somehow I need to find the inner strength to get past it…
Why? Why ruin myself and my body just for a small moment of satisfaction? I constantly hate myself. But even more after I do something stupid. Why am I so stupid? Why don’t I know how to simply live my life? I feel like I keep on messing up and the struggles get harder and more complicated to explain. I let myself eat a brownie, some ice cream, another brownie, a third fucking brownie plus chocolate and pita chips and another piece of chocolate. But why? Do I really feel better after doing this? No. Never. Yet I continue to live on this way. I continue to let my cracked fingers bleed because the external pain takes away from the pain within. I just watch them bleed. I do nothing to take care of them. I wake up in the morning and check to see how they’re doing secretly hoping that they are still cracked and bloody. But why? That’s disgusting. Yet I continue to do it. Today has been a horrible day. I have let my feelings and emotions totally dominate how my day has gone. I’ve been depressed and upset and feeling triggered to just do something to relieve me of my internal pain. What you ask? I don’t know. But something. Then there’s the external pain of my ankle that I just let keep on hurting. I don’t want to take care of my ankle because it’s frustrating and seems to be controlling my life. I don’t want it to. I don’t want to have to stop doing what I’m doing just because of some uncomfortable pain. I’m sick and tired of being invisibly sick and tired. There’s a part of me that just wishes everyone knew what I was dealing with right now instead of slapping on a smile and acting as though everything is just dandy. It’s not. I’m not. I’m done.
…wow what a rant…
Who are you as an individual? What determines your worthiness in society? What makes you feel important in the world? How do you determine your self worth? How do you become your best without necessarily being the best? Do you feel like you matter? Do you put pressure on yourself to reach unrealistic goals in life? Or are you just trying to push yourself to your highest limits? Do you have people to support you? Do you have others to push you? Do you have anyone striking you down from achieving what you are capable of?
These are all important questions to consider throughout difficult and high pressure stages in your life. I know that I put far too much pressure on myself but in life everyone is their own harshest critic. But there definitely is a point where you can push yourself way too far and end up falling over the edge. I am already putting way too much pressure on myself to succeed in 5 weeks at my auditions which at this point seem to determine my life. When in truth I may not get into the programs I wish to but that does NOT mean that I have to give up dance entirely. I could declare a dance minor maybe and re-audition later in my college career. Or I can take up classes at a local studio. Not making it in does not mean that I have not succeeded with dance no matter how hard that hurdle will be to overcome. I know that I have the support from my dance teachers and now my therapist who will help me through whatever comes my way following this time in my life. They are there to help me up until the auditions, possibly throughout the auditions and once they have come to an end. I need to go into life’s adventures and uphill climbs with a healthy perspective to allow myself positive experiences. I will learn through failure and thrive from such things just as much as success. I am worthy of this life I have been given and I need to get as much out of it as possible but the only way to do so is to let myself live with less pressures and high expectations.
Day 5 Monday:
3:00pm Relief. –Today when I went to find a pair of tights to wear to dance I realized that I in fact did not have any that appealed to me. Once I came back from taking time off last spring I realized how unflattering the old tights that I had been wearing were on me so I decided to try some new brands and styles to better flatter my figure. The amount of the bad tights that I own horribly outweighs the good is the only issue. I need to do laundry to say the least so today had to put on a pair of not so great tights. This makes it really hard to take class when it’s really hard to simply look at yourself in the mirror…Luckily for me today though we ended up not taking off our layers and just sat around and talked about various things with our instructor. No one aside from me knew how I felt in these tights and no one else had to see the unattractive shape protruding from the waistband of those tights.
9:45pm Relief (take 2). — Tonight we had our annual conferences with our ballet instructors. Many things could have gone horribly wrong with my mom, teachers and I in one room talking about me and my progress. Many things could have come up that I would prefer my parents not be informed about but I was so relieved when they did not. My instructors took into consideration my feelings about the fact that my parents don’t know about this blog and don’t know about everything I’ve been dealing with and kept that inside while discussing my plans and future and progress. I am so happy to know that my “secrets” are still being held safely.
9:50pm Blessed. — After conferences tonight I knew that I needed gas and I am so blessed that my mom paid for an entire tank of gas for my car :) This doesn’t usually happen but when it does my checking account as well as myself personally shine a smile across our faces!
Day 6 Tuesday:
8:00am Loved. — I absolutely adore the little children I get the opportunity to nanny from week to week and they sure did make me feel loved today. Both of them were so happy to see me and I couldn’t help but smile no matter how tired I really truly was. I love them and they love me and it is one great situation!
4:15pm Trusted. — So we started our choreography weeks for the classes we teach tonight and many things could have gone better just as many things could have gone much much worse. It is a learning experience to say the least! But it did make me feel good knowing that my own teacher looked to me for information regarding the week and trusted that I would have it to provide for her:) It is also a wonderful feeling knowing that she has faith in my ability to finish this week off strong!
7:50pm Panicked. — Tonight when I got home I really realized how “soon” my auditions are…I am freaked! I am so nervous already and I still have 5 weeks to worry about them. I just feel unprepared and weak. What’s going to happen if I don’t get in? What’s going to happen if I can’t do my best? I just don’t want to think about them but yet they’re all that seems to be on my mind at this point…
Well week 1 is complete of my beginnings of therapy round 2 and I appreciate anyone who came across these posts that are joining me on my journey through therapy. Lots could happen if I allow it to. Appointment number 2 is tomorrow morning and I am nervous as usual but will hopefully go into it with an open mind and a happy spirit as well as a willingness to open up and become vulnerable. It is scary but I know that I have at least 1 individual rooting for me and I can’t thank her enough for standing by my side through all of this. Here goes nothing….right?!
10:30am Content. — This morning my mom and I had to bring our cars in to the dealership to have them checked for oil changes and the like. This then involved a Starbucks run where we planned the route for my small audition tour as well as talked about plans for food. Give me coffee and I’ll be happy for the day :) Later we also went to Panera for lunch. Again, give me Panera soup and I will be content!
2:50pm Proud. — 1:30pm hits and I start to feel a little confused. Why is no one at the studio? Why am I all alone ready for class? I then proceeded to call my dance teachers to find out that my stupid phone wasn’t working correctly and I didn’t receive the text saying that classes had been canceled for the day. Instead of leaving though I proceeded to give myself my own barre, some center work and pointe work. I felt pretty good after doing so. I was ready to take class and then to find out it was canceled could have affected me but instead I took the opportunity to enjoy myself and work on what I needed.
8:00pm Lonely. — I’m currently not feeling the greatest health wise so at the dinner table tonight once I had finished eating I asked to be excused and if I could go to sleep right away. I kinda did. But as I was lying in bed I began to feel really alone in this world. I rarely text people anymore and most people don’t really seem to care what goes on in my life. People seem to care less if they don’t hear from me for long periods of time. I tried not to let this bother me and did luckily get a full 12 hours of sleep.
11:15am Loved. — I absolutely adore the little ballerinas that I get to teach from week to week! Their cute little faces and expressive movements really inspire me as both a person and as a dancer. I look forward to teaching them and seeing their various lightbulb moments that occur every class. I love them and I surely hope that they love me as well :)
12:20pm Blessed. — One of my ballet teachers is becoming the greatest and most helpful person in my life. She listens. She cares. She helps. She is an incredibly woman and I am so blessed to have the chance to really get to know her this year. She reassures me when I’m freaking out and offers me advice when I’m feeling down. She knows what to say and how to say it. She shows love in the perfect way and I’m so honored for her to be helping me through my first teaching experience as well as life in general.
6:00pm Triggered — Tonight we had one of the greatest dance rehearsals known to mankind! We found out that we will NOT be doing a show in February right around when my hectic dance auditions are. We only had class. We didn’t even rehearse! We then went to our director’s house and watched our shows from December, October and last February. So why did I feel triggered you may ask? When we started watching the show from about a year ago all of the emotions and depression that I had been dealing with during that time came flooding back. I was dealing with so much that most people had absolutely no concept of. It reminded me of all of the times I broke down in tears for no apparent reason and the fact that I couldn’t dance due to injury and how I had no one to talk to to figure out what was wrong. All of that came back like a waterfall rushing over my brain. It was kind of scary out of all honesty…
11:00pm Happy. — Today was sort of feelingless (That’s not a word I realize but it’s true…). I didn’t accomplish much. I guess I was annoyed at times but in general I was just sort of happy. I slept in. I had rehearsal which was pretty non climactic. I then went to this dance-a-thon thing which ended up being pretty fun. I met some people and made a fool of myself for an hour full of dancing. Then some of the older girls in the production decided to go out to get fro-yo which was a wonderful decision since I then got to bond with the girls who I didn’t know too well and it made me really really excited for this show :))
Anyway that was my weekend. Nothing too exciting but a lot happened.
With my dance teacher’s help I have gotten the courage to begin seeing a therapist once again, hopefully it is much more beneficial this time around though. She asked me to document my feelings up to 3 times a day so here it begins…wish me luck!
6:20am Frustration. — checking my email is an obsession of mine. It’s a constant thought in my head. I wake up. I check my email. I read the important ones and usually move on. This morning though there was an email updating a rehearsal schedule for an upcoming performance. It showed that I have been taken out of one section of the ballet and replaced by someone else. I know it is due to my one weekend of absence for my college auditions but it’s still frustrating since other people are missing rehearsals for less important auditions yet I’m the one who is affected by an absence.
8:15pm Proud. — tonight while working out I begin biking and realized that I was feeling a little sick/nauseas so I decided to change my workout plan and bike differently. I didn’t want my health to affect whether or not I finished my workout and I really wanted to persevere through the entire thing. And I did. I did a full 35 min bike workout plus another almost hour of abs, walking and stretching and actually burned more calories than I have ever while biking for that amount of time :)
9:00pm Disappointed — tonight one of my friends and her boyfriend broke up. She was texting me and I told her that if she needed anything then I would be there for her but then when I saw her at the athletic club I let my social awkwardness get in the way and failed to say hello, give her a hug or see how she was doing. I am disappointed in myself and my failure at being a good friend to someone who could have used a friend.