Tag Archives: Boys

Just One of Those Nights

The text has been sent. The facebook message has been received. The voicemail has been left. The snapchat has been opened. Whatever means of technology has been used in this day and age, there is always a response which is expected…and then the reality that actually comes.

I’m one of those girls who constantly imagines the way a certain conversation will go…what they will say, what I will say, everything down to the last little smirk left on his face. No matter how many times I guess what his response will be or what phrase he will say, and no matter how many times I am wrong and get a little crushed by it, I can’t stop. I want our conversations to go a certain way only because I want our relationship to go a certain way. I know it’s not going to happen, at least any time soon, but I can’t stop and then it leads to nights like tonight. Where I’m alone, watching Netflix, wanting to cry. It’s pathetic really, but all I wanted him to say was “of course I’ll come over, just give me a second to figure out how to get there. You’re sick and I’d love to spend the night with you” But of course that isn’t the response I get. Instead I’m here all alone in this house cause the family left for the evening and I’ve been sick and I’m cooped up crying over something that I can’t change…

Perfection: if only for a night

We touch…I feel a rush…

First. it’s just our knees brushing side by side

Even this little connection makes my heart skip a beat

Then my head lands on your shoulder

As my eyes begin to flutter shut I hear you whispering to me, telling me that I’m beautiful

It’s so late but now you have my attention once again

Your soft, tender fingers find the patch of skin showing from my slightly lifted shirt

Your lips touch mine and I know whatever happens here I am in the arms of someone who cares about me and I care about them

…As I lie with my head against your perfectly sculpted, bare chest, listening to your heart beat fast, I can’t help but think *was this just a dream?*

It was so perfect. You are so perfect. I’ve waited so long to be this close to you. Am I only imagining you lying next to me in the dim light wrapped in a mess of blankets? Or is this reality…are you really here? On Valentine’s Day? True bliss…

Hoping, Dreaming, Wishing…

“We all want what we ain’t got,
Our favorite doors are always locked.
On a higher hill with a taller top,
We all want what we ain’t got…” –Jake Owen

Why is it that when I finally fall for a guy he’s ways off limits for one reason or another? Either he has a girlfriend, he’s out of my league, he would never want me or he’s just plain off limits. Always I feel this is the case. But now it’s getting out of hand… I’m falling and I know that it’s bad. I can’t fall for him. But I dreamt about us being together once, and now it’s on the front of my mind constantly.

It all started when this girl asked me if he and I were dating. I blushed and instantly said “No hahahah [insert awkward laughing]…” It was just an awkward situation with an awkward question from an awkward girl. How else was I supposed to respond??? And that was that…or so I thought. Then I had a dream that we were dating and cute-sy and he made me smile and laugh (which he already does, just saying!) and I was so genuinely happy that the next time I saw him (like in real life) that’s all I could think about: how happy he made me and the way I felt in my dream when I was with him.

But he is OFF LIMITS. and I know that. Does he have a girlfriend? No. So whyy, you may ask? He looks out for me like it’s his job. sweet? Yes! He tells me jokes to make me smile. kind? Yes! He walks me to my car at the end of the night. gentlemanly? Yes! … But he is my teacher (technically)…, and he is quite a bit older, he’s my mentor…a guardian almost. So I can’t have him. And i know that. But I can’t stop thinking about him in that way and he comes in my dreams [and I NEVER remember my dreams, mind you, but when he’s in them I do] and he makes me happy and protects me and wants whats best and I know he will always be there if I call or voice that I need help or someone to talk or just need someone by my side. That sounds like a pretty great boyfriend to me! I wish… :(

A Different Kind of Lonely

Being alone leads to feeling lonely. Feeling lonely leads to becoming emotional. [For me] becoming emotional leads to stress eating. Stress eating leads to me feeling bad about my body. Feeling bad about my body makes me embarrassed to present myself to people I wish to ‘impress.’ Being embarrassed to present myself to others leads me to being alone. Being alone leads to _________

I think you get the gist. The cycle always comes full circle…

I’ve been feeling a bit lonely of recent. But the strange thing is that I haven’t wanted to interact with people to avoid being alone. So does this make me hypocritical and lack self determination to make myself feel better? I don’t want to talk to people on the phone. I don’t want to hang out with the people who seem to want to hang out with me (tinder ‘friendships’ so I’m not sure how to make this work out…more on those another time :/ ), I don’t want to skype friends from home, I don’t want to reply to people’s texts. And I don’t really know why. I’ve been enjoying the time that I have spent on my own, but I have not enjoyed feeling lonely and depressed.

I think that I would LOVE to have a movie night with an attractive and sweet guy who lives near by…but then I think about it more and would I really rather just stay home and bake? I think that I want to talk to old friends…but then I think about it and would I really rather explore outside on my own while the weather is still decently nice? Would I rather eat lunch by my lonesome by the lake instead of talking to my mom? Would I rather sit on my futon and watch “Grey’s Anatomy” and get emotionally invested in that instead of describing my own emotional rollercoaster to someone else? I think yes, yes I would. I don’t want to put on an act and tell everyone that I “love it here” and “I’m so happy that I made this decision” or that “everything is going exactly as planned and it is all just sunshine and rainbows.” If I knew that someone really wanted to know and understand the trials and tribulations that go into each and every day up here on my own, then maybe, just maybe I would be willing to talk to them, but I know most people just want to hear that I’m happy and enjoying myself. Which I am…but there is OH so much more.

Nonetheless I did enjoy my day on my own, decorating my apartmentFullSizeRender

exploring along the Superior Hiking Trail

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and watching my favorite tv shows:

Happy July: Day 1!

I can not believe that it is already July! Didn’t June just start? and 2014? and this past school year? Anywho, with it being a new month, the month before I leave for college, the month I turn 19, and a new month of possibilities I have decided to do a 30 day blogging challenge. Why not spice up my blog a little bit, right? (Phoebe has inspired me to do this! Thanks girl)

FYI I’m really bad at doing things like this, for example those instagram photo – a – day things I have never gotten past like day 5, but I will do my best to keep at it! Also I am very indecisive so I found 2 somewhat similar ones and will choose which I want to write about from them each day!


 

Soo here I go! Day 1: Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
How ironic…what a way to start it off. Yes, yes I am single. I am awful with guys and interacting and not being shy and awkward and speechless. I am more of an ‘admire from afar’ kinda girl and I hate it. I can’t find the guts to get his number or go up to the cute guy at the coffee shop and strike up a conversation. Instead I get weirdly invested in guys who see me as only a friend and I read into anything and everything they say and do.

For example: this guy who I have known for years who we became pretty good friends about a year and a half ago. We hung out a few times (I read into this), talked a bunch (and this) and texted frequently (and of course this). He went away like everyone else this year and when he was back suggested we get coffee. (I read into this too…what a surprise). It didn’t work out for a few weeks due to clashing schedules so I finally brought it up again that we hang out. We set a date and a time and I decided to try and look nice. I got giddy with a friend who gave me advice on what to say, what not to say, what to do, what not to do. (how to not be awkward pretty much…story. of. my. life.) I saw it as a sort of date. I didn’t want to make a huge deal out of it, but it was like impossible not to. I could view it as a casual get together, or a date. What do you think the inner girl in me was going to choose? So last Tuesday I got all dolled up (I even straightened my hair) and drove to a coffee shop to meet a very attractive guy at 9pm. He didn’t show up til 9:30pm…he said he got off of work late…he also showed up high…he also said everything I didn’t want to hear (stories about other girls, saying he hoped I didn’t still like him, saying that I was clingy, apologizing for leading me on cause he was clingy once too, happy that the awkward crush was behind us…on and on and on). It was straight hell for me. It started with a hug how did it end up like this?? It ended after a mere half an hour and I was crushed. We said goodbye and walked to our cars awkwardly. He seemed happy and ready to leave. I proceeded to sit in my car, blast sad music and eat cookies in the parking lot of Wal-Mart.

So yea, that about sums up how my relationship status goes. Nothing. Zip. Nada. Single life is good sometimes, but mostly it just sucks at this point in your life. When you’re 18, almost 19, and haven’t had your first kiss. When you’re 18, almost 19, and haven’t been on a real date. When you’re 18, almost 19, and no guys are interested in you. Yea…that sucks. It isn’t the end all be all in life, but it is still crappy when theres no one there to tell you they love you, no one to hug when times get rough, no one to sit at home and watch movies with on a rainy day. It’s the little things that I would want out of a relationship but if things continue the way they have, that ain’t gonna happen. Hopefully college will bring new people, new situations and new possibilities for the better…but I guess I will have to wait and see!

Caught Off Guard

 

Text from me to him, June 20th, 7:30pm: “I know I keep messaging you and its embarrassing on my part but for real are you free tonight? I really need someone. And someone who understands”

Subtweet from me about him at 2:02pm today: “I still can’t get over the fact that you didn’t reply to my text. I chose you of all people and you couldn’t find it in you to reach out.”

Text from him to me at 3:02pm: “I’m sorry. I kept getting the vibes that you liked me an I got scared to be put in that situation so I tried running from it but didn’t really think of what my actions caused. I leave for [different country] in 3 minutes until Aug 9. name a day between Aug 10 an 20 an we for sure will talk! I’m sorry”

Wow. I was so frustrated that I was willing to subtweet someone who really cared about me in the past. I threw him under the bus for everyone else to wonder: Hmm I wonder who she is talking about? I felt forgotten, rejected and ignored. I felt that what we had a few months ago had been demolished and I couldn’t figure out why. I sent him a few messages that he never replied to. Then when I really needed someone (Thursday night) he wasn’t there for me anymore. I felt deserted and alone. I was confused. What was stopping him from responding? What had I done wrong? When we hung out that one time did I do something that turned him off? Had I said something that gave him a new and bad image of me? I just couldn’t fit the pieces together. Now it all makes sense. I did give him the wrong message. I did screw things up. I never expected him to see something on Twitter and actually act in response to it. I’m happy he did because now I know what happened. Now I understand why he didn’t want anything to do with me. I gave him the wrong idea. I was pulled into his life since he cared about me and was willing to listen to my struggles. He always provided me some great advice and we knew how to laugh and have a good time as well. I was amazed that a guy wanted to talk to me, help me and hang out. Now he’s gone until the end of the summer. He got on a plane and is off. I’m left without him once again. He’s in another country and I have absolutely no idea if we can be in contact. I want to work things out and make sure he knows I haven’t developed those type of feelings for him. I just want a friend back in my life again. We had 3 minutes to talk and it is still left on edge. I’m not entirely sure where to go from here. I’ll wait for him to get in contact with me I guess and hopefully we will be able to work out a time later in August to talk, catch up and mend our friendship back into what it was before.

Boys, Boys, Boys!

Boys. Such a small word with so much behind it. Every girl out there has some story to share, some emotion to unravel, some inspirational words for others to let loose. Boys. Such a distraction from the everyday life of a female. Boys. Causing such frustration when the little things go wrong. Boys. Boys. Boys.

Some people have it so easy when it comes to interacting with the opposite sex. Then there are people like me. I don’t know what it is but I’ve always been this way. Steering clear of those that I have my eye on, reading into every little thing that goes right or wrong, pushing and hoping for things that just aren’t present. I’m flat out envious of the girls who can act all flirty and such just to get a cute guy to look their way and then act all innocent even when they aren’t in reality. I watch the guys I crush on walk right past me without a second glance in my direction. I don’t make it known that I have a thing for them since when I have in the past things have gone majorly wrong and I don’t want a repeat of that situation.

I read into everything. When I say everything, I mean everything. I notice the little things: how long it takes them to text back, where and how often the little exclamation point is used in our conversations, the fact that he hasn’t accepted my grad party invite on facebook but has accepted other people’s. And that brings up another thing. It is all technologically based. I rarely converse with guys. I text, facebook chat, any kind of electronic communication out there I have probably used. Talking always ends awkwardly and I don’t have the chance to think about what would be appropriate to say next. I wish I weren’t this way, but this is just how I work. It’s awful though because it then makes face to face contact even more awkward than it needs to be. Soo if there’s anyone out there who wants to give me hints that’d be MUCH appreciated! I don’t want to be alone forever. I want to be noticed. I don’t want to make a fool of myself, but I do want guy friends. I have only had a few in the past and these days I do not know if the boys I considered myself to be friends with actually view me as a friend anymore based on my actions and our interactions, or lack there of these days. So please. I would really appreciate words of wisdom, stories, anything to make my situation any easier. Thanks!