Being alone leads to feeling lonely. Feeling lonely leads to becoming emotional. [For me] becoming emotional leads to stress eating. Stress eating leads to me feeling bad about my body. Feeling bad about my body makes me embarrassed to present myself to people I wish to ‘impress.’ Being embarrassed to present myself to others leads me to being alone. Being alone leads to _________
I think you get the gist. The cycle always comes full circle…
I’ve been feeling a bit lonely of recent. But the strange thing is that I haven’t wanted to interact with people to avoid being alone. So does this make me hypocritical and lack self determination to make myself feel better? I don’t want to talk to people on the phone. I don’t want to hang out with the people who seem to want to hang out with me (tinder ‘friendships’ so I’m not sure how to make this work out…more on those another time :/ ), I don’t want to skype friends from home, I don’t want to reply to people’s texts. And I don’t really know why. I’ve been enjoying the time that I have spent on my own, but I have not enjoyed feeling lonely and depressed.
I think that I would LOVE to have a movie night with an attractive and sweet guy who lives near by…but then I think about it more and would I really rather just stay home and bake? I think that I want to talk to old friends…but then I think about it and would I really rather explore outside on my own while the weather is still decently nice? Would I rather eat lunch by my lonesome by the lake instead of talking to my mom? Would I rather sit on my futon and watch “Grey’s Anatomy” and get emotionally invested in that instead of describing my own emotional rollercoaster to someone else? I think yes, yes I would. I don’t want to put on an act and tell everyone that I “love it here” and “I’m so happy that I made this decision” or that “everything is going exactly as planned and it is all just sunshine and rainbows.” If I knew that someone really wanted to know and understand the trials and tribulations that go into each and every day up here on my own, then maybe, just maybe I would be willing to talk to them, but I know most people just want to hear that I’m happy and enjoying myself. Which I am…but there is OH so much more.
Nonetheless I did enjoy my day on my own, decorating my apartment
So the question arises: Does Ashley even have social anxiety? And I wish I knew the answer. My therapist in the spring told me that it was very likely based on the little amount of information that I told her, but I don’t have an “official” diagnosis. But in my opinion I haven’t even been officially diagnosed with depression either, but it’s kind of a no-brainer now that yes, am depressed. I do get anxious in social situations so it would make sense if I did have social anxiety. But I am also socially awkward and there is a fine line between when I am awkward vs. extremely anxious and therefore becoming awkward. So I don’t really know for sure. Nonetheless I hung out with friends last night and it was slightly uncomfortable. Was it nice to see my friends? Yes! Was it nice to hear about their college experiences? Yes! Was it a nice reminder of how I am not in college? Sadly…yes. Was it a nice reminder that I haven’t met anyone new this year? Yes again…it just added up to a whole big pile of awkwardness causing me to question my goals and plans and past decisions for the millionth time this year. And that sucks.
I know that good things have come of me staying home this year, such as having a better relationship with my dance teachers and getting to know people better through dance. But also bad things: My eating habits are out of whack. I’m even more of a hermit. My ankle is currently getting worse instead of getting better had I chosen to go to college but not for dance. There are just so many negatives that it’s hard to focus on the positives. I am currently sitting in my room with 2 lap tops, an iphone, 5 cookies and some blankets on my bed. Plus there is chocolate near by. But whyy? Why do I feel the need to eat and punish myself later for it? Why am I connected to technology? Why don’t I communicate with people? I just don’t get it and I hate it.
Yep, didn’t go to dance today. I gave in. I decided I was “sick” and “couldn’t go” and my mom didn’t question me otherwise. I didn’t want to go so I didn’t go. Now I really should have, but I didn’t and already made the decision and now the day is done. I can’t change it now.
There are so many thoughts running through my head right now. I am going a little crazy and am confusing myself with them all. I do not know where to focus my attention or what is important or not. I am also confused as to which thoughts I am thinking because they are truly there or if I am thinking them up so they are there. (That probably makes no sense, but there are times when I start thinking of something, such as self harm or suicide, and I don’t know if I am thinking them and then take notice of the thoughts, or if I “want” to be thinking about such things so make myself think of them…hopefully someone understands me).
Last night my friend and I had a slight misunderstanding. This afternoon she texted me and apologized. This is HUGE for me, since I am always the one to regret my actions first and voice my thoughts on doing so therefore it was nice to receive the text this time around. Things are fine now as I knew they would be. She means the world to me and something little like last night could never tear us apart. We know so much about one another that no one or else only a few others know. We know each others secrets and we have formed a tight trust with each other. So I mean that’s that.
This post is so random and probably makes absolutely no sense to anyone else, but it is good to express what I am feeling since I haven’t really talked with anyone today. I have been in 2 text conversations today: 1 in regards to my nannying job (therefore strictly business) and the other with the friend as previously mentioned which has died away now. My dad has been at work, my sister and mom were off doing their own things all day as I lay out in the sun. I have had little conversation with anyone besides my music (which gets me through everything, so I guess I can’t complain too much about that aspect of it). It’s days like these that get me more depressed truth be told. I love talking with people and hanging out. I hate being in a room all day, or just at my house, but these days I don’t even know who to contact to do something. Most of my life is awkward relationships with other people soo…yep. I should really say goodnight and just get to bed soon.
Speaking of which though I have been thinking of changing my username. Any thoughts on that? I realized that I don’t really know if I am Strong Til The End anymore. I am an insomniac, late night thoughts poster…no longer a strong and determined to do better girl, so we’ll see where this thought takes me. If I decide on a change I will let you know it is coming. Okay…goodnight. I should really get off now.
It is official, I have survived 13 years of free education! Today was my last day of high school. I don’t have any finals so just have graduation this weekend. It is crazy to think about after everything that has happened over the years. This past year was really rough but I know that I overcame a bunch of personal obstacles along the way. I found out who is truly there for me and the fact that old friends may not always be the best of friends. Self growth is the best thing that a person can develop and I truly should be proud of myself for what I have accomplished. I also am graduating with a 4.0 gpa, an honors diploma and an NHS medal. And I have received the top scholarship at my first choice college which is something I never thought I would have accomplished based on everything else I was spending my time worrying about. My years to come will also be filled with plenty of stress and surprise and I can not wait to see where this life takes me.
Sometimes though it is the little things that one must take the time to appreciate. Such as the fact that this weekend I ended up attending 11 grad parties solo where I was unsure if I would know anyone there besides the graduate despite the rising levels of anxiety inside of me from one stop to the next. I am especially proud because I attended one guy’s who I debated about going to for a good 3 weeks. He and I were very good friends last year around this time and through last summer but then over winter break we had a huge misunderstood fight. On top of this he had a girlfriend the entire time. We finally made up around spring break and are kind of friends again. I knew that no matter what decision I made I would feel awkward or regret. I eventually saw it as utmost important that I made an appearance and congratulated him. Break the barrier so to speak. And surprisingly my interaction with him was awkward but alright in the end. We had a very awkward hug (not because we were hugging but because I didn’t expect him to hug me, but just give me a handshake, so when he pulled me in for a hug I was very surprised) that was really nice in the end cause he’s so tall and I’m so small. He also presented an amazing, genuine smile as soon as he saw me. This is such good progress for he and I and if you can’t tell by this post I am ecstatic thinking back on it. He is such a great guy and was one of the best people in my life in early fall when everything was changing and I was unsure of how to react to anything. He became my support system despite the fact that he had a girlfriend. He saw that I needed someone and offered to be that person and coincidentally I don’t really think he knew he was becoming that person in my life. I don’t think he realized what in impact he had. He is so wonderful and I really hope to stay in touch. Besides the awkward hug though I saw his girlfriend downstairs later on in the party and she basically glared at me. I could easily be reading into it though cause I am unsure if he has even told her about what happened between he and I, but since I am assuming he did tell her, she isn’t too fond of me and what her boyfriend and my relationship had been in the past. But ya know what? Whatever! I still have a friend and she still has a boyfriend so all is right in this world!
I hope that in the future I will remember to cherish the little things such as what occurred last night. The little things become the big things in the long run since those are what you remember the most details about (at least in my opinion). Bigger and better things are waiting for me in the future and I can not wait to see what is in store :)