I Gave In To Myself

Yep, didn’t go to dance today. I gave in. I decided I was “sick” and “couldn’t go” and my mom didn’t question me otherwise. I didn’t want to go so I didn’t go. Now I really should have, but I didn’t and already made the decision and now the day is done. I can’t change it now.

There are so many thoughts running through my head right now. I am going a little crazy and am confusing myself with them all. I do not know where to focus my attention or what is important or not. I am also confused as to which thoughts I am thinking because they are truly there or if I am thinking them up so they are there. (That probably makes no sense, but there are times when I start thinking of something, such as self harm or suicide, and I don’t know if I am thinking them and then take notice of the thoughts, or if I “want” to be thinking about such things so make myself think of them…hopefully someone understands me).

Last night my friend and I had a slight misunderstanding. This afternoon she texted me and apologized. This is HUGE for me, since I am always the one to regret my actions first and voice my thoughts on doing so therefore it was nice to receive the text this time around. Things are fine now as I knew they would be. She means the world to me and something little like last night could never tear us apart. We know so much about one another that no one or else only a few others know. We know each others secrets and we have formed a tight trust with each other. So I mean that’s that.

This post is so random and probably makes absolutely no sense to anyone else, but it is good to express what I am feeling since I haven’t really talked with anyone today. I have been in 2 text conversations today: 1 in regards to my nannying job (therefore strictly business) and the other with the friend as previously mentioned which has died away now. My dad has been at work, my sister and mom were off doing their own things all day as I lay out in the sun. I have had little conversation with anyone besides my music (which gets me through everything, so I guess I can’t complain too much about that aspect of it). It’s days like these that get me more depressed truth be told. I love talking with people and hanging out. I hate being in a room all day, or just at my house, but these days I don’t even know who to contact to do something. Most of my life is awkward relationships with other people soo…yep. I should really say goodnight and just get to bed soon.

Speaking of which though I have been thinking of changing my username. Any thoughts on that? I realized that I don’t really know if I am Strong Til The End anymore. I am an insomniac, late night thoughts poster…no longer a strong and determined to do better girl, so we’ll see where this thought takes me. If I decide on a change I will let you know it is coming. Okay…goodnight. I should really get off now.

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