When is it finally going to be okay for me to surrender to the fact that I am not okay? When will I be able to talk to someone and get help? When will I be able to sort through my thoughts and emotions to explain to someone else how screwed up I really am? Whenever someone asks me if I’m okay of course I answer with a measly yes, but I know beneath the surface that that isn’t true. Please keep me in your thoughts as I try and sort this out and pray for me to find a time, a place and a person that is perfect for me to talk to. Thanks.
‘At a wooden desk just like the 24 others in the 2nd grade classroom sits the new girl, her hair in make-shift pig tails and clothes that almost but don’t quite match. The nametag on her desk reads ‘Sally’ and that’s all the other girls and boys know about her. They don’t know if she has brothers or sisters, what her favorite color is or if she is a good speller like Kathy who is in the seat next to her. They don’t know her story and judging by her quiet nature they may never know. The teacher on the other hand knows that Sally lives with only her dad in an apartment down the road. Her mom passed away from cancer just a few months ago so her dad is having to face raising Sally on his own. He will do the best that he can as his daughter grows older to help her find a strong mother figure in her life and he will work his hardest to be there for her when she needs someone. He knows that he won’t be perfect but he will strive to be the best that he can be.’
Most people grow up knowing someone like Sally, someone who has had to grow up without their mother in their life due to a tragedy of some sort. These girls are the ones that younger women sympathize for. They know how much their mothers helped them grow up to be the strong women they are and they can’t imagine not having someone to gossip about their crush to, teach them how to put on make-up and just be there for the things that their dad’s couldn’t seem to handle. But what happens when you have a mom in your life and she didn’t seem to help you with the things most moms were there for their daughter’s for? Can you sit there feeling sorry for yourself? Probably not because you did know at least one girl who grew up without their mom there at all.
So what can you do when your mom didn’t help you through things such as teaching you how to shape your own eyebrows, the importance of washing your face every night, and how to apply make up? You end up showing up to school looking like a freak…right? You have weird, uneven eyebrows, acne and strange eyeliner going all the wrong directions. Now what? Is your mom there to comfort you and help you? Nope. Is she there to listen to you tell your sob stories? She might be, but at this point you have stopped wanting her help. She couldn’t help you feel good about your outer appearance how is she supposed to help comfort your heart and hear out your feelings?
I realize that not all grown women care drastically about their outer appearance. Maybe they don’t wear make up, color their hair and buy designer clothes. And don’t get me wrong, I am fine with that. Some people grow up appreciating the more natural looks and ways to care for yourself which is just fine. But there comes a part in every girl’s life where they need their mom to help them feel and look their best so they can be confident going into school, going to the basketball game or on their first date. I can guarantee that at one point in time my mom cared too, so why wasn’t she there when I cared? I still care, but luckily I have tried my hardest to figure things out on my own. There were a lot of lifestyle choices throughout middle school and high school especially that I really wish I would have had someone there to help me figure out which would have helped me now. But the past is the past and now I have to play catch up on such things. Yet, I still can’t feel sorry for myself…right? Because I did grow up with my mom around all the time, but for some reason she didn’t step up towards the actions to help me feel like a confident young woman even though she was here to do so.
My mind, my body and my spirit were ready for a good weekend full of positive thoughts, actions and outcomes and I am very happy to say that that was exactly what I got! My parents went out of town to my grandparents house for Easter but I had to stay home to work. Seems crappy right? Yea, well, I made it work out just fine and had a wonderful weekend!
Friday night after dance I splurged at Target on jelly beans, cookies and ice cream. I then proceeded to stop by McDonald’s to grab some dinner, brought it home and stuffed my face while watching ‘Dance Moms’ and ‘Full House.’ I figured I would regret this decision later, but truthfully I didn’t! I then talked to my family on the phone and then had a very nice conversation with my dance teacher who I miss dearly and can’t wait to see again hopefully soon!
Saturday I woke up to teach my little ballet classes which were accompanied with big smiles, big hugs and Easter gifts consisting of hand-made cards and bags of candy! From there my friend came back to my house and we spent the afternoon talking about anything and everything under the sun, eating Chipotle, and going on a few different walks outside in the beautiful weather. Sadly I had to go into work so had to leave her home alone at my house for a bit but since it wasn’t busy I didn’t have to stay long and could come back for us to watch ‘Silver Linings Playbook’, eat ice cream, and talk some more!
Sunday I got to accompany her and her mom to church (I am sad to say that it has been too long since I’ve been to church but whenever I do go I always leave feeling forgiven, loved, calm, cool and collected) which was followed by a very feasty brunch. We then went to her house to watch a movie that she always references, eat some more ice cream and go on a fun little egg hunt throughout her house! I haven’t had a traditional Easter celebration in years so to be welcomed into her home and get to experience the same things that I did as a kid filled me with a tremendous amount of joy!
I was more than ready for a fun filled weekend of smiles and happiness and am beyond blessed to be able to say that that was exactly what I felt :) “All kids need is a little help, a little hope, and someone who believes in them.” –Earvin “Magic” Johnson
Oh and on top of all of that greatness on Sunday when I was driving into my driveway after work around 10:45pm there was a little bunny in my yard and once I got out to take a closer look I saw it hopping across the street! Hoppy Easter I guess, huh?!
I hope that everyone had a spectacular day celebrating Easter if that’s what you do or else spending time with the ones you love doing what you love treating yesterday as any Sunday. I know that for me it was one I will remember and we were blessed with a beyond beautiful spring day today that I got to enjoy walking outside for 2 hours and almost 7 miles. My feet may regret that choice tomorrow but my body enjoyed the warmth of the sun and push to keep on keeping on!
How often do you vow to yourself to eat healthier? How often do you vow to yourself to get back into shape? How often do you vow to yourself to create the body that you imagine yourself having? How often do you vow to yourself to quit annoying people and leave them alone? How often do you follow through? How often do you screw up? How often do you email or text people with no change in reaction and still feeling bad? How often do you tell yourself to ignore the chocolates and eat them anyway? How often do you look at a given individual and tell yourself that you will look that good one day? How often…? How often do you change your habits for the better?
Do you know how hard it is to be in a room with 2 individuals who have been diagnosed with an eating disorder, one girl who is on the verge and the last who is too young to have even developed curves of any sort? Do you know how hard it is to not feel bad about yourself in this situation where you can so easily compare yourself to the other girls in the room? Do you know how hard it is when no one else in the room even realizes that you might be struggling with food and your self image just as much as the next you’re just too scared to get help for it like the others? It is pretty much a living hell. You would think maybe it would motivate me to improve my habits, get skinny again and start to feel better about myself…yea I had hoped it would too. But it’s not. I feel worse as the days go on and I get worse with each passing week. I am too scared though and I can’t even voice it to anyone else to help me get help. I know that I need it but I’m too scared. I’m crying but no one knows. I paste a smile on my face to act like everything’s okay. It’s not and it hasn’t been for weeks, months really, but who really cares? No one seems to so there’s no one to talk to. No one who wants to listen. No one who wants to help. And I’d be too nervous to say anything if the situation arose knowing my luck.
“I need someone who will understand
That I am a sad individual
And sometimes being alone can be dangerous for me
But other times
It’s exactly what I need.”
Sometimes the best words of inspiration truly aren’t inspiring at all. They are little pieces of you that you come across on a social networking site that remind you that no, you are not alone. Other people feel the same way you do (In this case 875 other people retweeted this individual saying and 1,318 favorited it). If numbers like these don’t remind you of such a feeling then I don’t really know what will. You are not alone. You are not alone. You are not alone. Sometimes simply repeating this over and over in your mind will help you to realize such a concept! Now you try it!
The good: I got to see my dance teachers who I haven’t seen for 2 weeks (which might not seem like much time but when you see them practically every Monday-Friday, 2 weeks feels like ages) this afternoon and sat in their living room talking about life. They give me such hope for a happy future whenever I see them. They welcomed me with open arms and I wish there could have been more time to talk. They welcomed me back anytime to vent or catch up or just simply for a hug and consolation that everything will be okay and I can guarantee that I will take them up on that offer.
The bad: Soo I haven’t seen my therapist in 7 weeks…
- The week that I left for my college visits I decided to stay home and use the excuse of packing because I didn’t feel like talking about everything prior to leaving for an already stressful week
- I was on my college audition tour
- My therapist was out of town
- It was tech week for my show
- I failed to get in contact with her
- Spring break-contacted her about a possible time but then I never returned the email
- She emailed me asking if I needed to come in and said she was worried about me…
Now though I feel like it’s been too long and I’m awkward in social situations so the appeal of going to therapy is no longer there. I know that I’m more than screwed up in more ways than one but I’m nervous about going back. So much has happened that I don’t even think I could put into words let alone say aloud. But shouldn’t I talk to someone? Shouldn’t I get an official depression screening and an eating disorder one as well? If I don’t go back then I know that neither of those will happen. Pros and cons, pros and cons.
The ugly: Since I know that I should tell someone the people I instantly think of telling are my past dance teachers. They know more about me than pretty much anyone else and I know they wouldn’t say anything that would hurt me but they would only want to help. With this being said I couldn’t bring myself to say anything and now I’m upset with myself. I want to drive back to their house and ask them if I can just talk and cry and have a hug. So much has been going on and I’ve put up a shield per usual to pretend that I’m fine. I haven’t voiced any of my thoughts or concerns to anyone and it scares me. My thoughts scare me and the longer I wait to share them the more it will tear me down and the less likely I will be to tell anyone since it will keep building up inside.