I oftentimes set goals for myself. They could be about what I’m going to accomplish in dance, what I will eat (or more importantly, not eat), how I will treat my family or what I will say to someone who I converse with. They could be little goals or big goals but they help me plan out my day, my year or my life.
Last year I decided that my future plans would be to dance at Butler University come fall of 2014. Now that can’t happen because I failed to get into the ballet program. My audition was a failure and my letter of rejection reflected it. Now what? Now what am I going to do? If only I knew…if only I knew. I have no idea now what the future holds and that is scary. I had a plan and I no longer can follow through with that plan.
This leads me to feeling hopeless and like a waste of space. I wasted my time staying home this year because my goal was to get into a school like Butler. That was the main purpose of staying here in town. But now that that didn’t happen…what did? Yes I have been given some great opportunities but is it all even worth it anymore? It’s confusing and I don’t like spending time thinking about it but I can’t not think about. My plans have been crushed and now I may just give up. Not only on that plan but all plans. Wednesday night while lying in bed at 1:00am I had a vivid plan for what I would do Thursday night to surrender to this world and give it all up. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?? I wish I didn’t think this way but sometimes I can’t help it. I had a plan and seriously considered following through. That is scary beyond belief and I haven’t told anyone. I don’t know who to tell…
“Are you okay?” No. No I am not okay. I do not have the energy to explain, but no no NO I am NOT okay…
Parents are a tricky topic because everyone’s home life situation is vastly different from one another. Some people never get along with their parents. Some people get along most of the time. And some people get along with one parent but not the other (or one set of parents and not the other dependent on your personal circumstances). Parents have control over their children for good reason but some parents really struggle with finding the right time to let go.
My parents particularly seem to struggle with this concept. I am 18. I am an adult. I can make decisions on my own and start to lead my life for myself yet they continue to have to be involved in anything and everything that I do and it drives me up a wall. Staying home this year wasn’t an easy choice and it surely didn’t help any of this power struggle that occurs….it only hurt it and made it easier for them to hold on. I am sick and tired of constantly being yelled at about things that I wish to fight back but don’t have the courage to stand up for myself or explain myself. Tonight I said about 3 words after walking through the door and they were already mad at me about something or other and I’m getting tired of dealing with this. When I move out next fall things are going to change. Things will not be like my sister and their relationship because our relationships now are vastly different. My sister calls once a week and they talk for an hour or two each time. I’m sorry but it’s my life and they don’t need every detail of it. I know that they care deep down about me but when it isn’t evident on the surface then I don’t need to let them into everything. I am blessed that I do have parents that love me when I know so many are not as fortunate but there are still things that other people can’t see happening and I don’t even think that my parents realize are happening which affect me as an individual.
Do you ever just sit there and feel sad? You’re not entirely sure why at the moment…you are just sad. You get tears in your eyes and you feel like eating chocolate and crying in the arms of someone you love.
These feelings suck and I am so ready to figure out the ins and outs of these. I get good news and I still feel bad about myself. I get bad news and I feel even worse. That isn’t good. That isn’t healthy. Is that normal? I really have no idea. I don’t understand it…but I’m ready to.
Am I scared to get a diagnosis officially looming over my head? Am I scared to eventually tell my parents? Am I scared to go into doctors and tell them what’s wrong? Am I scared to finally have to open up again? Hell YES I am. I am beyond scared. But I’m ready. Ultimately I am ready. I want to know what’s going on and I want to know how to help myself lead a better life.
In other news:
I was supposed to hear about the largest scholarship given from University of Iowa through snail mail on Friday and I still haven’t heard….frustrated doesn’t even cut it!!!!
I ate way too much food and gained way too much weight.
Even though the previous statement is true I was told yesterday by my teacher that I am soo light and they could just pick me up if they wanted to.
In reference to the previous statement once again I have started the partnering section of Sleeping Beauty (for all the non dancers out there that means lifts and assisted turns and such with a male dancer) which is overall such a great experience!
None of my teachers have asked how my auditions went which kinda makes me sad…
I am craving so much food right now that it isn’t even funny.
I may not have therapy for 3 weeks which makes me dread going back :/
Too much driving.
Too much food.
Too many times packing and unpacking.
Not enough hot tubs.
Not enough dancing.
Too many restaurants.
Not enough working out.
Too much time to talk.
Too much sleep.
Too many walks around campus.
Too many tours.
Too many snacks.
Not enough fruit.
Too many hotel rooms.
The perfect amount of snow.
Yup. That about sums up my past week. I went on my college audition/tour trip with my mom. We left last Thursday evening and are heading back right now. Such a relief to be done with the auditions but now I just have to wait to hear back the rejections:/