“We all want what we ain’t got,
Our favorite doors are always locked.
On a higher hill with a taller top,
We all want what we ain’t got…” –Jake Owen
Why is it that when I finally fall for a guy he’s ways off limits for one reason or another? Either he has a girlfriend, he’s out of my league, he would never want me or he’s just plain off limits. Always I feel this is the case. But now it’s getting out of hand… I’m falling and I know that it’s bad. I can’t fall for him. But I dreamt about us being together once, and now it’s on the front of my mind constantly.
It all started when this girl asked me if he and I were dating. I blushed and instantly said “No hahahah [insert awkward laughing]…” It was just an awkward situation with an awkward question from an awkward girl. How else was I supposed to respond??? And that was that…or so I thought. Then I had a dream that we were dating and cute-sy and he made me smile and laugh (which he already does, just saying!) and I was so genuinely happy that the next time I saw him (like in real life) that’s all I could think about: how happy he made me and the way I felt in my dream when I was with him.
But he is OFF LIMITS. and I know that. Does he have a girlfriend? No. So whyy, you may ask? He looks out for me like it’s his job. sweet?Yes! He tells me jokes to make me smile. kind?Yes! He walks me to my car at the end of the night. gentlemanly?Yes! … But he is my teacher (technically)…, and he is quite a bit older, he’s my mentor…a guardian almost. So I can’t have him. And i know that. But I can’t stop thinking about him in that way and he comes in my dreams [and I NEVER remember my dreams, mind you, but when he’s in them I do] and he makes me happy and protects me and wants whats best and I know he will always be there if I call or voice that I need help or someone to talk or just need someone by my side. That sounds like a pretty great boyfriend to me! I wish… :(
Happy post!! Happy post!! I am super excited to come back to all of you with happy news instead of depressed news. I have been having a pretty solid week! After going home last weekend, I expected this weekend to be a drag, but it wasn’t and I am so pleased that I took the chance to feel accepted and loved by those that I’ve been striving for it from the most :)
Soo…rewind: Last weekend was my first time home in 7 weeks, and it couldn’t have been better! I got to see my dad, and friends and old coworkers and my previous dance teachers and life was just flippin’ fantastic! So as I drove home Monday night (I didn’t get home til 10:40pm…So I mean that kinda was rough) I had time to ponder what this weekend would consist of. What did I come up with?: Netlix. Food. Loneliness.
That’s about it. Because let’s be real what else do I do with my time especially when I have a lot of it? I knew it was Halloween weekend which would mean that I would see an influx of posts about parties and people dressed up and being drunk and having a good time. And I would probably take these in from the comfort of my couch and look on longingly wishing that I had people to spend my nights with.
But plans can change and within a couple of hours none of the above could be true! And it wasn’t :) I was invited very last minute to the dance company’s Halloween party, and at first I wasn’t going to go. I’m awkward in social situations and I don’t want to ruin any good things that I possibly have going. Buuut then again I want to be “in” with these people and maybe this could be beneficial. The problem is that I’m not really in the company, but I’m also not really in the school. So I’m still struggling to find my place within the ballet and the people in it. Eventually though I decided to go, and I am SO happy that I did :) I enjoyed myself for the first time in a long time and I do feel that I got closer with the people that I really do spend a lot of time with. I wasn’t stupid, but I also didn’t hold back. After a short time I wasn’t completely socially awkward and for that I am proud!
Then to top off the night I was walked to my car very sweetly ending with a good night hug from the guy who’s been looking out for me since day 1. He could have stayed and just partied the night away but he took the time to make sure that I made it to my car safely and I was alright to drive myself home. It is amazing the little actions that can make you feel accepted and loved by those around you <3
Who are you as an individual? What determines your worthiness in society? What makes you feel important in the world? How do you determine your self worth? How do you become your best without necessarily being the best? Do you feel like you matter? Do you put pressure on yourself to reach unrealistic goals in life? Or are you just trying to push yourself to your highest limits? Do you have people to support you? Do you have others to push you? Do you have anyone striking you down from achieving what you are capable of?
These are all important questions to consider throughout difficult and high pressure stages in your life. I know that I put far too much pressure on myself but in life everyone is their own harshest critic. But there definitely is a point where you can push yourself way too far and end up falling over the edge. I am already putting way too much pressure on myself to succeed in 5 weeks at my auditions which at this point seem to determine my life. When in truth I may not get into the programs I wish to but that does NOT mean that I have to give up dance entirely. I could declare a dance minor maybe and re-audition later in my college career. Or I can take up classes at a local studio. Not making it in does not mean that I have not succeeded with dance no matter how hard that hurdle will be to overcome. I know that I have the support from my dance teachers and now my therapist who will help me through whatever comes my way following this time in my life. They are there to help me up until the auditions, possibly throughout the auditions and once they have come to an end. I need to go into life’s adventures and uphill climbs with a healthy perspective to allow myself positive experiences. I will learn through failure and thrive from such things just as much as success. I am worthy of this life I have been given and I need to get as much out of it as possible but the only way to do so is to let myself live with less pressures and high expectations.
10:30am Content. — This morning my mom and I had to bring our cars in to the dealership to have them checked for oil changes and the like. This then involved a Starbucks run where we planned the route for my small audition tour as well as talked about plans for food. Give me coffee and I’ll be happy for the day :) Later we also went to Panera for lunch. Again, give me Panera soup and I will be content!
2:50pm Proud. — 1:30pm hits and I start to feel a little confused. Why is no one at the studio? Why am I all alone ready for class? I then proceeded to call my dance teachers to find out that my stupid phone wasn’t working correctly and I didn’t receive the text saying that classes had been canceled for the day. Instead of leaving though I proceeded to give myself my own barre, some center work and pointe work. I felt pretty good after doing so. I was ready to take class and then to find out it was canceled could have affected me but instead I took the opportunity to enjoy myself and work on what I needed.
8:00pm Lonely. — I’m currently not feeling the greatest health wise so at the dinner table tonight once I had finished eating I asked to be excused and if I could go to sleep right away. I kinda did. But as I was lying in bed I began to feel really alone in this world. I rarely text people anymore and most people don’t really seem to care what goes on in my life. People seem to care less if they don’t hear from me for long periods of time. I tried not to let this bother me and did luckily get a full 12 hours of sleep.
11:15am Loved. — I absolutely adore the little ballerinas that I get to teach from week to week! Their cute little faces and expressive movements really inspire me as both a person and as a dancer. I look forward to teaching them and seeing their various lightbulb moments that occur every class. I love them and I surely hope that they love me as well :)
12:20pm Blessed. — One of my ballet teachers is becoming the greatest and most helpful person in my life. She listens. She cares. She helps. She is an incredibly woman and I am so blessed to have the chance to really get to know her this year. She reassures me when I’m freaking out and offers me advice when I’m feeling down. She knows what to say and how to say it. She shows love in the perfect way and I’m so honored for her to be helping me through my first teaching experience as well as life in general.
6:00pm Triggered — Tonight we had one of the greatest dance rehearsals known to mankind! We found out that we will NOT be doing a show in February right around when my hectic dance auditions are. We only had class. We didn’t even rehearse! We then went to our director’s house and watched our shows from December, October and last February. So why did I feel triggered you may ask? When we started watching the show from about a year ago all of the emotions and depression that I had been dealing with during that time came flooding back. I was dealing with so much that most people had absolutely no concept of. It reminded me of all of the times I broke down in tears for no apparent reason and the fact that I couldn’t dance due to injury and how I had no one to talk to to figure out what was wrong. All of that came back like a waterfall rushing over my brain. It was kind of scary out of all honesty…
11:00pm Happy. — Today was sort of feelingless (That’s not a word I realize but it’s true…). I didn’t accomplish much. I guess I was annoyed at times but in general I was just sort of happy. I slept in. I had rehearsal which was pretty non climactic. I then went to this dance-a-thon thing which ended up being pretty fun. I met some people and made a fool of myself for an hour full of dancing. Then some of the older girls in the production decided to go out to get fro-yo which was a wonderful decision since I then got to bond with the girls who I didn’t know too well and it made me really really excited for this show :))
Anyway that was my weekend. Nothing too exciting but a lot happened.
Welcome to Minnesota! The Land of 10,000 Lakes! And the Land of the Coldest Temperatures! Today we are hitting record low temps. The governor closed all schools in Minnesota for the day! As of right now it is -15 degrees, but with windchill -38! So in other words it has been a very lazy but relaxing day!
Yesterday was almost unbearably cold as well so to say not much got done would be an understatement…ha! I did though, upon suggestion from my dance teacher/mentor, stop by the library for a good hour and a half to pick up some self-help books. I am really looking forward to taking the time and perspective shift to read these. They are on depression, food/eating and self confidence. I started all of them in the library to get an idea of what they were about and really dug into 2 of them last night/early this morning! I really hope that they can teach me something new and help me understand myself a little better. I am excited to read further later on tonight while all warm in my bed by candlelight and Christmas tree light :)
This morning I spent time coloring…it was a very grand time indeed! I am currently using a Hello Kitty coloring book to give as presents to the little girls who I teach ballet to week after week along with a candy cane and a smile! Then later I baked cookies with my mom and sister and while I wasn’t busy I stayed bundled up under a thousand of layers of clothes and blankets! Schools are closed again tomorrow meaning that dance is cancelled as well. I hope that tomorrow I can “force” myself to get to the athletic club to work out and work through some stuff for dance prior to classes beginning again on Wednesday. We never have much of a break so the fact that we had a week and a half off and then I couldn’t dance fully Thursday and Friday and now I haven’t danced since Saturday afternoon is sort of stressing me out. Auditions are right around the corner and I have a lot to work on!
Anyways, I hope that people who also live up North found ways to stay warm today and I am SO incredibly jealous of anyone who lives in a tropical climate. Switch for a day? Yea, thanks!! Good night everyone :)
So the question arises: Does Ashley even have social anxiety? And I wish I knew the answer. My therapist in the spring told me that it was very likely based on the little amount of information that I told her, but I don’t have an “official” diagnosis. But in my opinion I haven’t even been officially diagnosed with depression either, but it’s kind of a no-brainer now that yes, am depressed. I do get anxious in social situations so it would make sense if I did have social anxiety. But I am also socially awkward and there is a fine line between when I am awkward vs. extremely anxious and therefore becoming awkward. So I don’t really know for sure. Nonetheless I hung out with friends last night and it was slightly uncomfortable. Was it nice to see my friends? Yes! Was it nice to hear about their college experiences? Yes! Was it a nice reminder of how I am not in college? Sadly…yes. Was it a nice reminder that I haven’t met anyone new this year? Yes again…it just added up to a whole big pile of awkwardness causing me to question my goals and plans and past decisions for the millionth time this year. And that sucks.
I know that good things have come of me staying home this year, such as having a better relationship with my dance teachers and getting to know people better through dance. But also bad things: My eating habits are out of whack. I’m even more of a hermit. My ankle is currently getting worse instead of getting better had I chosen to go to college but not for dance. There are just so many negatives that it’s hard to focus on the positives. I am currently sitting in my room with 2 lap tops, an iphone, 5 cookies and some blankets on my bed. Plus there is chocolate near by. But whyy? Why do I feel the need to eat and punish myself later for it? Why am I connected to technology? Why don’t I communicate with people? I just don’t get it and I hate it.
How am I supposed to become a better dancer if I am not given the opportunities to dance? How am I supposed to find it in me to feel good about myself at dance when I am given no reason to do so? I am sick and tired of constantly being thrown off to the side to fend for myself. I know that I am coming off of an injury but all I need at this point are people to help me feel confident once again and help me find my true passion for the art form. I am struggling with my journey to pursue dance. I am so insecure about every inch of my body and every tiny movement that I make in class. I want to be pushed to do my best and I want to feel good about myself. Is that too much to ask for? I am looking for a support system and when only 3 legs of the table are there you can’t assume the table can hold itself up…