Tag Archives: thoughts

Hoping, Dreaming, Wishing…

“We all want what we ain’t got,
Our favorite doors are always locked.
On a higher hill with a taller top,
We all want what we ain’t got…” –Jake Owen

Why is it that when I finally fall for a guy he’s ways off limits for one reason or another? Either he has a girlfriend, he’s out of my league, he would never want me or he’s just plain off limits. Always I feel this is the case. But now it’s getting out of hand… I’m falling and I know that it’s bad. I can’t fall for him. But I dreamt about us being together once, and now it’s on the front of my mind constantly.

It all started when this girl asked me if he and I were dating. I blushed and instantly said “No hahahah [insert awkward laughing]…” It was just an awkward situation with an awkward question from an awkward girl. How else was I supposed to respond??? And that was that…or so I thought. Then I had a dream that we were dating and cute-sy and he made me smile and laugh (which he already does, just saying!) and I was so genuinely happy that the next time I saw him (like in real life) that’s all I could think about: how happy he made me and the way I felt in my dream when I was with him.

But he is OFF LIMITS. and I know that. Does he have a girlfriend? No. So whyy, you may ask? He looks out for me like it’s his job. sweet? Yes! He tells me jokes to make me smile. kind? Yes! He walks me to my car at the end of the night. gentlemanly? Yes! … But he is my teacher (technically)…, and he is quite a bit older, he’s my mentor…a guardian almost. So I can’t have him. And i know that. But I can’t stop thinking about him in that way and he comes in my dreams [and I NEVER remember my dreams, mind you, but when he’s in them I do] and he makes me happy and protects me and wants whats best and I know he will always be there if I call or voice that I need help or someone to talk or just need someone by my side. That sounds like a pretty great boyfriend to me! I wish… :(

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What a Mess

Being sick sucks. Being alone when you’re sick: even worse :( All I want right now is someone to hug me tight and assure me that things are going to be okay. Let me know that they care and love me and want what’s best for me. But I don’t know people here…the people I do know are busy with opening night of a dance performance, which I should be involved in but since I’m sick I was cut…so there’s that too. It just seems like so much has been piling up and I can’t seem to get control. I still haven’t met people. I still haven’t found control over my poor eating choices. I still haven’t started feeling like I belong yet and being sick stacked on top of this all makes life really difficult. I don’t know where I stand with anything and I’m just so confused.

I went to urgent care today and surprise surprise they found nothing seriously wrong, story. of. my. life. Most people would be happy with that but for me I just want the answers, to know why I feel like crap and have felt this way for 5 days now. I want there to be a damn good reason why I needed to be cut from the show. But nope! There isn’t one. There never is. They can never find anything and it just complicates things even more. I’m mad, upset, nauseous, sad, lonely….add that all together and you’ve got a messed up girl.

Religion…

Surprise, surprise, I’m behind on my 30 day challenge. Does this surprise me at all? Nope. I suck at keeping up with this sort of stuff. So be prepared for an influx of posts…

Day 4 is your views on religion. My family raised me Christian. We went to church frequently, I went to Sunday School, did Vacation Bible School in the summers, went to a church camp, got confirmed and then stopped going to church. It isn’t that I don’t believe, it’s that I’m very poor at keeping up with things such as praying or waking up early to get to church every Sunday. I always say that I will try harder and work at it, but I never follow through after a few days (explained here) even though I know I should. I can’t recall the stories of the Bible and I barely know the meaning behind the holidays which are the few days I go to church. I hope that someday my husband will encourage me to get involved in our local church, but if that doesn’t happen I guess it won’t be the end of the world. Some people take their views on faith to the extreme (such as the guy shouting excerpts from the Bible on a downtown street corner on Thursday afternoon) and those are the people that bother me. You don’t need to push your own beliefs down someone else’s throats to get your points across. That is annoying and makes me turn my nose up to religion. But if you invite me to an event at your church or sit down with me and explain your views I won’t push them away but take time later to think on what you had to say.

Late Night Adventuring

Last night I received a text at 10:30pm asking me if I wanted to hang out. Of course with how boring my life usually is I said ‘yes!’ My friend and I ended up venturing out to this little marsh-like area with a gazebo in the middle to sit and look up at the stars. We haven’t hung out in months so this was the perfect way to catch up and it checked some things off of my bucket list! Including stargazing and going on a late night adventure. We covered topics from breakups to the unknowns of space to alcohol and the rebellion of teenage years and it was so ideal that I didn’t want the night to end. In my opinion everyone needs to have a little adventure in their life. Go out late at night to do the unknown. Go to a party and try a little wine or vodka. It won’t kill you if you’re smart about it and it doesn’t hurt to have fun.

Here are the blog challenges that I am choosing between and instead of having to explain them each day I decided to actually post them:

What Am I Doing?

Can you eat yourself to death? Or die due to sitting in bed and watching an unhealthy number of episodes of Grey’s Anatomy in a given period of time? Because quite honestly that is what I feel like I am doing and honestly it seems so much easier than making the decisions that I am facing. I feel like I could eat the entire large bag of chocolate chips that we picked up from the store and I know that there is ice cream in the freezer. I started and finished an entire season of Grey’s within the last week and am onto the next (Today I’ve watched at least 6 episodes and plan to continue watching until I fall asleep). What the heck is wrong with me? I don’t want to have to decide what to do for the next 2 months of my life and just thinking about the next 4 years scares the shit out of me. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know what I want to do. I am so scared of making the right decision that I just want to break down crying, but since I rarely cry instead I lock myself in my room alone with Grey’s and chocolate. This is a problem and I hate it. But I don’t even really want to escape. What. The. Hell. Do. I. Do?!?!?

Late Night Rambling (2)

Do you ever just sit there and feel sad? You’re not entirely sure why at the moment…you are just sad. You get tears in your eyes and you feel like eating chocolate and crying in the arms of someone you love.

These feelings suck and I am so ready to figure out the ins and outs of these. I get good news and I still feel bad about myself. I get bad news and I feel even worse. That isn’t good. That isn’t healthy. Is that normal? I really have no idea. I don’t understand it…but I’m ready to.

Am I scared to get a diagnosis officially looming over my head? Am I scared to eventually tell my parents? Am I scared to go into doctors and tell them what’s wrong? Am I scared to finally have to open up again? Hell YES I am. I am beyond scared. But I’m ready. Ultimately I am ready. I want to know what’s going on and I want to know how to help myself lead a better life.

In other news:

  • I was supposed to hear about the largest scholarship given from University of Iowa through snail mail on Friday and I still haven’t heard….frustrated doesn’t even cut it!!!!
  • I ate way too much food and gained way too much weight.
  • Even though the previous statement is true I was told yesterday by my teacher that I am soo light and they could just pick me up if they wanted to.
  • In reference to the previous statement once again I have started the partnering section of Sleeping Beauty (for all the non dancers out there that means lifts and assisted turns and such with a male dancer) which is overall such a great experience!
  • None of my teachers have asked how my auditions went which kinda makes me sad…
  • I am craving so much food right now that it isn’t even funny.
  • I may not have therapy for 3 weeks which makes me dread going back :/

Idk those are my thoughts I guess…

Cravings

Craving (via dictionary.com):
Crav-ing [krey-ving]
noun
great or eager desire; yearning.

Cravings are everywhere and can be for pretty much everything. Most people relay this word only towards the topic of food, but cravings are constantly present. Sometimes I crave alone time. Sometimes I crave human interaction. Sometimes I crave a nice warm bed where I can simply listen to music. Sometimes I crave exercise and physical activity. Sometimes I crave holding a baby in my arms to feel love. Sometimes I crave salty foods. Sometimes I crave sweet foods. Sometimes I crave an empty stomach. Cravings can be extreme, annoying or just present. Most of the time, at least in my opinion, it is worth it to feed a craving no matter what it is. Yea, the next day you may regret eating your weight in cookies or staying up til 3am playing Candy Crush on your phone. But at least at the time you feel satisfied and “whole.” For me today I had a craving for something sweet so I decided to pick up the Dove chocolate that was lying around in my room. I read the quote and instantly knew that it was the right thing to do. It reads: “Clear your mind, and enjoy this moment.” I was quite happily savoring the milk chocolate in my mouth at the same time that my favorite song by Jason Mraz, “I Won’t Give Up,” was playing on my all time favorite Pandora station :)

So maybe now as I am sitting here smelling the food cooking in my kitchen (which is sort of making me nauseous I might add) and knowing that dinner is right around the corner I may feel a little disappointed in myself for listening and abiding to my craving. But there was a reason I was supposed to follow my brain and eat that chocolate. There was also a reason for the craving feeling to begin with. There was a purpose and I simply fulfilled the purpose. I enjoyed my moment in time while listening to my favorite song and hearing my heart sing as well!