The text has been sent. The facebook message has been received. The voicemail has been left. The snapchat has been opened. Whatever means of technology has been used in this day and age, there is always a response which is expected…and then the reality that actually comes.
I’m one of those girls who constantly imagines the way a certain conversation will go…what they will say, what I will say, everything down to the last little smirk left on his face. No matter how many times I guess what his response will be or what phrase he will say, and no matter how many times I am wrong and get a little crushed by it, I can’t stop. I want our conversations to go a certain way only because I want our relationship to go a certain way. I know it’s not going to happen, at least any time soon, but I can’t stop and then it leads to nights like tonight. Where I’m alone, watching Netflix, wanting to cry. It’s pathetic really, but all I wanted him to say was “of course I’ll come over, just give me a second to figure out how to get there. You’re sick and I’d love to spend the night with you” But of course that isn’t the response I get. Instead I’m here all alone in this house cause the family left for the evening and I’ve been sick and I’m cooped up crying over something that I can’t change…
Being alone leads to feeling lonely. Feeling lonely leads to becoming emotional. [For me] becoming emotional leads to stress eating. Stress eating leads to me feeling bad about my body. Feeling bad about my body makes me embarrassed to present myself to people I wish to ‘impress.’ Being embarrassed to present myself to others leads me to being alone. Being alone leads to _________
I think you get the gist. The cycle always comes full circle…
I’ve been feeling a bit lonely of recent. But the strange thing is that I haven’t wanted to interact with people to avoid being alone. So does this make me hypocritical and lack self determination to make myself feel better? I don’t want to talk to people on the phone. I don’t want to hang out with the people who seem to want to hang out with me (tinder ‘friendships’ so I’m not sure how to make this work out…more on those another time :/ ), I don’t want to skype friends from home, I don’t want to reply to people’s texts. And I don’t really know why. I’ve been enjoying the time that I have spent on my own, but I have not enjoyed feeling lonely and depressed.
I think that I would LOVE to have a movie night with an attractive and sweet guy who lives near by…but then I think about it more and would I really rather just stay home and bake? I think that I want to talk to old friends…but then I think about it and would I really rather explore outside on my own while the weather is still decently nice? Would I rather eat lunch by my lonesome by the lake instead of talking to my mom? Would I rather sit on my futon and watch “Grey’s Anatomy” and get emotionally invested in that instead of describing my own emotional rollercoaster to someone else? I think yes, yes I would. I don’t want to put on an act and tell everyone that I “love it here” and “I’m so happy that I made this decision” or that “everything is going exactly as planned and it is all just sunshine and rainbows.” If I knew that someone really wanted to know and understand the trials and tribulations that go into each and every day up here on my own, then maybe, just maybe I would be willing to talk to them, but I know most people just want to hear that I’m happy and enjoying myself. Which I am…but there is OH so much more.
Nonetheless I did enjoy my day on my own, decorating my apartment
Living on your own is very different than living at home with your parents. I mean there are the obvious things: it is more lonely, no one is telling you what to do and when to do it, and your mom/dad isn’t there for you to run to when the going gets tough. But there are so many other weird things I am finding to be difficult:
You have to create your own spice collection
You have to vacuum the floors
You have to buy draino when there is hair in the bathroom drains from the previous tenants
You have to find the motivation to wash the dishes at night
You have to find the money to buy groceries, and ‘apartmenty’ things, and pay for wi-fi and rent and electricity
You have to meet new people and get used to different noises in your builidng
It is soo much easier to get caught up watching Netflix instead of getting anything done
You realize how much your parents and your mentors and your peers and your neighbors mean to you when all of a sudden it is all just not right in front of you anymore
Living on my own is great, don’t get me wrong. I love the freedom and capability to decide when I’m doing and what I’m eating and my own routine completely. But it’s hard, there’s no denying it. It’s lonely and every now and then it sucks. I would love to get letters and packages from people, but I don’t know who cares enough to send me anything…it would make me feel like I hadn’t lost home though, that’s for sure.
10:30am Content. — This morning my mom and I had to bring our cars in to the dealership to have them checked for oil changes and the like. This then involved a Starbucks run where we planned the route for my small audition tour as well as talked about plans for food. Give me coffee and I’ll be happy for the day :) Later we also went to Panera for lunch. Again, give me Panera soup and I will be content!
2:50pm Proud. — 1:30pm hits and I start to feel a little confused. Why is no one at the studio? Why am I all alone ready for class? I then proceeded to call my dance teachers to find out that my stupid phone wasn’t working correctly and I didn’t receive the text saying that classes had been canceled for the day. Instead of leaving though I proceeded to give myself my own barre, some center work and pointe work. I felt pretty good after doing so. I was ready to take class and then to find out it was canceled could have affected me but instead I took the opportunity to enjoy myself and work on what I needed.
8:00pm Lonely. — I’m currently not feeling the greatest health wise so at the dinner table tonight once I had finished eating I asked to be excused and if I could go to sleep right away. I kinda did. But as I was lying in bed I began to feel really alone in this world. I rarely text people anymore and most people don’t really seem to care what goes on in my life. People seem to care less if they don’t hear from me for long periods of time. I tried not to let this bother me and did luckily get a full 12 hours of sleep.
11:15am Loved. — I absolutely adore the little ballerinas that I get to teach from week to week! Their cute little faces and expressive movements really inspire me as both a person and as a dancer. I look forward to teaching them and seeing their various lightbulb moments that occur every class. I love them and I surely hope that they love me as well :)
12:20pm Blessed. — One of my ballet teachers is becoming the greatest and most helpful person in my life. She listens. She cares. She helps. She is an incredibly woman and I am so blessed to have the chance to really get to know her this year. She reassures me when I’m freaking out and offers me advice when I’m feeling down. She knows what to say and how to say it. She shows love in the perfect way and I’m so honored for her to be helping me through my first teaching experience as well as life in general.
6:00pm Triggered — Tonight we had one of the greatest dance rehearsals known to mankind! We found out that we will NOT be doing a show in February right around when my hectic dance auditions are. We only had class. We didn’t even rehearse! We then went to our director’s house and watched our shows from December, October and last February. So why did I feel triggered you may ask? When we started watching the show from about a year ago all of the emotions and depression that I had been dealing with during that time came flooding back. I was dealing with so much that most people had absolutely no concept of. It reminded me of all of the times I broke down in tears for no apparent reason and the fact that I couldn’t dance due to injury and how I had no one to talk to to figure out what was wrong. All of that came back like a waterfall rushing over my brain. It was kind of scary out of all honesty…
11:00pm Happy. — Today was sort of feelingless (That’s not a word I realize but it’s true…). I didn’t accomplish much. I guess I was annoyed at times but in general I was just sort of happy. I slept in. I had rehearsal which was pretty non climactic. I then went to this dance-a-thon thing which ended up being pretty fun. I met some people and made a fool of myself for an hour full of dancing. Then some of the older girls in the production decided to go out to get fro-yo which was a wonderful decision since I then got to bond with the girls who I didn’t know too well and it made me really really excited for this show :))
Anyway that was my weekend. Nothing too exciting but a lot happened.
Why am I so depressed recently? What has me feeling this way? Is it the weather? Do I have SAD? I am so confused. I feel lost and alone. I feel worthless and hopeless. I was doing so well for a while and now I just am in a rut. I feel as though it is obvious yet no one seems to really care. I don’t know what is causing this and I have no idea how to explain it to anyone. I wish I could though because I feel that I need to let everything out. Whatever everything is…I hate feeling like this and I wish I could just “be happy” just like that. But depression doesn’t work that way. You first have to identify the triggers/problems and work from the ground up. But I don’t know what those are. I don’t know why I am crying right now. I don’t know why I am so out of it. I don’t know what causes the crazy thoughts and ideas to pop into my head while driving or sitting in my room. Isn’t this supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year? Then why do I feel so crappy and confused?
“I can feel myself slipping back into the habits of last winter. Sleeping too much and caring too little.”
I just feel like now I have to have my life figured out. I feel that I have to be able to answer all of the questions. I now have to pin point what sets me off and what makes me feel depressed. I have to try and put it all into words. But what if I can’t? What if I actually can’t? I don’t know all of the answers…or any of them for that matter. I don’t know how to explain what happens to me at home or in my brain or when I’m alone. I don’t know what is wrong. I don’t know what sends my thoughts to the darker places instead of the upbeat. I don’t know and I don’t know how to explain this to people. All of a sudden there is a whole ton of information out there floating around. I have no idea who all knows or who all is concerned or who all is supposedly going to help me through it. Through what though? What am I getting help to get past? I don’t know!!!!!!!!!
At the end of almost every single day I ask myself the same question: “Why?” and it gets harder and harder to answer as more days pass by. Last year I made my decisions around the end of April and I thought that I had done enough thinking on the concept of my future and was determined that I was making the right decision. As the days, weeks, and months pass I question it though. Why did I stay here again? Am I really gaining anything? Some nights (such as tonight) I realize how much I would prefer to be off at college somewhere…anywhere. My ankle is healing but I am still behind in terms of strength and ability when it comes to dance. My teachers don’t even seem to believe in me anymore which is making it even harder to believe in myself. I am constantly being held back to ‘not injure me further’ but as I try and work through the basics no one is there cheering me on. Instead I am looked past and they are on to the next girl or boy. Even when I wasn’t injured I have been looked past as a dancer so is there any point in pushing on to regain my strength? If I wasn’t injured would I have even gotten into a dance program in college? At this point I am definitely thinking not. Ever. And now there is an even smaller chance. I lack all confidence and with no outside support and understanding it is even more difficult to push myself to work hard and achieve my goals.