Being alone leads to feeling lonely. Feeling lonely leads to becoming emotional. [For me] becoming emotional leads to stress eating. Stress eating leads to me feeling bad about my body. Feeling bad about my body makes me embarrassed to present myself to people I wish to ‘impress.’ Being embarrassed to present myself to others leads me to being alone. Being alone leads to _________
I think you get the gist. The cycle always comes full circle…
I’ve been feeling a bit lonely of recent. But the strange thing is that I haven’t wanted to interact with people to avoid being alone. So does this make me hypocritical and lack self determination to make myself feel better? I don’t want to talk to people on the phone. I don’t want to hang out with the people who seem to want to hang out with me (tinder ‘friendships’ so I’m not sure how to make this work out…more on those another time :/ ), I don’t want to skype friends from home, I don’t want to reply to people’s texts. And I don’t really know why. I’ve been enjoying the time that I have spent on my own, but I have not enjoyed feeling lonely and depressed.
I think that I would LOVE to have a movie night with an attractive and sweet guy who lives near by…but then I think about it more and would I really rather just stay home and bake? I think that I want to talk to old friends…but then I think about it and would I really rather explore outside on my own while the weather is still decently nice? Would I rather eat lunch by my lonesome by the lake instead of talking to my mom? Would I rather sit on my futon and watch “Grey’s Anatomy” and get emotionally invested in that instead of describing my own emotional rollercoaster to someone else? I think yes, yes I would. I don’t want to put on an act and tell everyone that I “love it here” and “I’m so happy that I made this decision” or that “everything is going exactly as planned and it is all just sunshine and rainbows.” If I knew that someone really wanted to know and understand the trials and tribulations that go into each and every day up here on my own, then maybe, just maybe I would be willing to talk to them, but I know most people just want to hear that I’m happy and enjoying myself. Which I am…but there is OH so much more.
Nonetheless I did enjoy my day on my own, decorating my apartment
Being sick sucks. Being alone when you’re sick: even worse :( All I want right now is someone to hug me tight and assure me that things are going to be okay. Let me know that they care and love me and want what’s best for me. But I don’t know people here…the people I do know are busy with opening night of a dance performance, which I should be involved in but since I’m sick I was cut…so there’s that too. It just seems like so much has been piling up and I can’t seem to get control. I still haven’t met people. I still haven’t found control over my poor eating choices. I still haven’t started feeling like I belong yet and being sick stacked on top of this all makes life really difficult. I don’t know where I stand with anything and I’m just so confused.
I went to urgent care today and surprise surprise they found nothing seriously wrong, story. of. my. life. Most people would be happy with that but for me I just want the answers, to know why I feel like crap and have felt this way for 5 days now. I want there to be a damn good reason why I needed to be cut from the show. But nope! There isn’t one. There never is. They can never find anything and it just complicates things even more. I’m mad, upset, nauseous, sad, lonely….add that all together and you’ve got a messed up girl.
I have struggled with food and weight for many years now. I know that. You know that. My closest peers know that. Now that I am on my own it is becoming a clear obstacle once again and not in the way that I wish it to. I have a lot of time to myself up here in Duluth and what do I spend it doing? Usually eating. Biggest problem being: I am surrounded by a bunch of teeny tiny girls and young women who I strive to look like and dance like. I know what I want to do with myself and how I can accomplish such things yet I still continue to eat when I’m not hungry and gorge myself in chocolate at the end of the night. I know that that’s not what I want to be doing but I do it anyway and it’s becoming a serious problem yet again…
Living on your own is very different than living at home with your parents. I mean there are the obvious things: it is more lonely, no one is telling you what to do and when to do it, and your mom/dad isn’t there for you to run to when the going gets tough. But there are so many other weird things I am finding to be difficult:
You have to create your own spice collection
You have to vacuum the floors
You have to buy draino when there is hair in the bathroom drains from the previous tenants
You have to find the motivation to wash the dishes at night
You have to find the money to buy groceries, and ‘apartmenty’ things, and pay for wi-fi and rent and electricity
You have to meet new people and get used to different noises in your builidng
It is soo much easier to get caught up watching Netflix instead of getting anything done
You realize how much your parents and your mentors and your peers and your neighbors mean to you when all of a sudden it is all just not right in front of you anymore
Living on my own is great, don’t get me wrong. I love the freedom and capability to decide when I’m doing and what I’m eating and my own routine completely. But it’s hard, there’s no denying it. It’s lonely and every now and then it sucks. I would love to get letters and packages from people, but I don’t know who cares enough to send me anything…it would make me feel like I hadn’t lost home though, that’s for sure.
Last minute changes are usually scary. All of a sudden you have to remember new choreography for your show in 2 hours, or the parents you were going to babysit for want you there early so you have to hope to be able to rearrange your schedule for the afternoon. Those things can really suck, but when everything works out you can look back and be much happier with how things went.
Last minute life changes though? Those you can’t be 100% sure when you’ll be able to look back and see whether or not it was for the better or the worse. It’s scary. It’s unsettling. It is a totally unknown territory that you weren’t expecting to explore for 6 months…or a year…but you’re really just hoping that in the end it will work out for your benefit and you’ll be happy, because ultimately that’s all that matters: One’s happiness.
And that’s what I am striving for: Finding my happiness in this crazy roller coaster of a life. I am leaving a lot behind to go live on my own in Duluth and just dance opposed to my previous plan to go to school at the U of Iowa. I am leaving the stability of a school schedule, the closeness of everyone in a dorm, and the boy that I was really starting to fall for. I am leaving a meal plan, the knowledge of the budget and so much more. But hopefully I am gaining even more than I am leaving behind. I move into my one bedroom apartment on Monday and to say that I am scared out of my mind would be an understatement. The last time I wrote was 2 weeks before I was going to move South into a college dorm room with a roommate, now here I am 4 weeks later having completely changed my plans of action for this year, getting ready to head North to live on my own in a new city where I know literally 2 people. I hope it’s for the better, but I know for SURE that in 5 years I can’t look back and think to myself: “What if I would have made the decision to go chase my dreams?” Wish me luck!!
I leave in 2 weeks. HOLY CRAP! I LEAVE IN 2 WEEKS!! Like I can’t even control the emotions that overcome me when I think about it. In 2 weeks I will be at a new school, in a new city, surrounded by new people and sights and sounds…Don’t get me wrong, I am very excited to escape, but it scares the crap out of me. It doesn’t help that my parents started talking to me today about switching around my schedule and rethinking this whole college thing. Granted I brought it up a week ago or so but I figured I would get a semester or a year behind me before I changed my course of action. –I feel like this is completely run on but it’s flowing so I’m going to keep going– I have sort of decided that I want to scratch the whole college only thing and look into auditioning for a company or a more ballet based dance school. Not that Iowa isn’t going to be good, I’m just not entirely sure if it is what I’m looking for and having regrets before you even show up for the first day is a really scary place to be. That’s why I am currently listening to a “rainy day” playlist on Spotify, craving chocolate on chocolate and feeling like I want to cry. That’s normal…right?! Like what is going on with me?? And this guy that I wrote about like a week ago is being really confusing and I don’t know what to do about him anymore. He doesn’t seem to want to talk to me or make me happy or let me make him happy like we did before. He just seems very nonchalant towards me and I don’t know what changed. It stresses me out because he was one of the biggest reasons I was so excited about college. To go in with a guy would be something short of amazing and so not what I’m used to that it would be such a superb change. But now he’s acting weird and I don’t know why. i’ve asked if I did something wrong and he said no. I asked if he was okay and he said yes. But he just isn’t himself…or at least the ‘him’ that I was seemingly getting to know. I don’t know. Maybe it’s for the better so that I don’t feel tied down to someone right off the bat and can have an open eye for people throughout the start of the semester. But at the same time I was really looking forward to spending time with him and having someone to hold and love and to love me back. Is that too much to ask for??? What is going on with my life? I have so much to do and not enough time to do any of it let alone spend time dwelling on the “what if’s”, the “could’ve beens”, and the “should’ve beens”. Anyways now that I have completely confused the crap out of everyone including myself goodbye….
Yup…that’s right…I am officially 19 years young! My birthday (Sunday, July 13th) was much better than years past and I’m not entirely sure why. To me, birthdays are sort of a reminder of loneliness. I know it is supposed to be the opposite: a celebration of life and family and friends and love. But for me they bring out the parts of life that aren’t really what I want to focus on: the people who don’t know it’s your birthday or don’t care, the people who forget, the lack of love in the air. That is 100% what last year was focused on. This year started out that way but definitely turned up for the better. I got texts from new friends and old friends. I felt loved by my family. I got to spend the weekend with my grandparents. I ate scrumptious food and amazingly don’t feel totally out of shape at this point so I guess I can’t complain. Did I have a party? No. Did I physically celebrate with friends? No. But I felt the love and warmth of my friends and new people that I’ve recently met and it was just overall a good day.