I am officially isolated. No one wants anything to do with a broken girl to this degree anymore. No one wants to talk to me. No one wants to invite me to hang out. No one wants to help. And this is proving really really hard for me. The people I used to call my friends are mostly people I don’t want to interact with anymore because they have pushed me away and I have pushed them away. My closest friends have been totally disrespectful to me and now I don’t want anything to do with them. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am so close to giving up and giving in especially now that I know no one cares and most people wouldn’t notice if I totally disappeared from their lives. I try to help people but no one tries to help me in return. We’ll see where this is headed.
I am so tired of the term ‘depression’ being thrown around so loosely these days. In my opinion you can be depressed without having depression.
I have been doing a good amount of thinking on this idea over the past week. I feel as though on a daily basis I hear of someone new who I know who has depression. But they don’t. This is completely undiagnosed. They have an extreme sadness and someone claims ‘depression’ so they latch onto the idea and run with it. I believe that everyone goes through points in their life where they will be depressed. Something horrible happens or their life is completely changed in some way and the only way for them to cope at first is to just try and push away the true feelings and instead develop an aura of immense sadness. Everyone has this and everyone deals with it in different ways. Depression on the other hand is when this feeling does not subside. It is as though this state has taken over your entire body, mind and soul. There is no shaking it off or just ‘coming to your senses.’ It will take weeks, months, years of treatment to return to a so called ‘normal’ state of being. I just wish people could understand this. Depression is not a term to joke around with. Depression is so hard to define therefore there is a very vague description in everyones mind about what it truly is. I just wish that self and friend diagnoses would cease to exist. I hate to hear the term be thrown around by various people from time to time when they have no clue what they are referring to. No one can understand depression until they themselves are depressed. Just because you know someone who has depression does not mean that you can go up to a friend and determine that they do as well since they may have some of the ‘signs’ of the other person they know. That’s just my two cents on this issue.
I am sick of lying.
I am tired of telling people that I’m okay.
I hate telling people I’m just tired and being able to really convince them that it’s so.
I hate lying to my parents about where I am during the day while I’m avoiding as much social interaction as possible.
I’m sick of feeling alone.
I don’t want the awkward situations that my friendships have evolved into.
I hate faking happiness.
I feel like an awful person while I lie to my therapist about self harm.
I hate my ankle.
I hate my situation.
At the present moment, I truly hate my life.
I just wish that there was someone out there who cared, who really truly cared. Especially on a day like today after a night like last.
But clearly that’s too much to ask for.
The mind is a great and powerful thing. Sometimes this power gets out of control and your thoughts begin down the path of destruction. This is what I’m feeling today. My mind is taking over everything I know to be right and is leading me down a dark path. I’ve been here before and I know I don’t want to go back.
I’ve always battled with self image but today it is just stuck in my mind. I feel fat. Out of shape. My hips are too big. I’ve gained too much weight. My thighs are ginormous. All I want to do right now is lose weight. I want to be skinny. I want to feel skinny. I’m tired of looking at people and pictures of people and wishing I looked like them. I need help. I need someone to talk to. But I’m alone right now. There is no one around and I physically have no idea what to do…
This morning I woke up to the sweet surprise on my phone of a text from the weather station stating that schools had been cancelled for the day. What a great surprise that was! It is April 11th yet we’re still getting bad weather and snow days:) I couldn’t complain! And just to make things better I had a great day filled with lots of love.
Right away when I was woken up by my mom my little neighbor boy came over and walked right up next to my bed to give me a hug. Then when I went downstairs he wanted me to sit on the couch by him and eat my breakfast with him. Throughout the morning I got to happily run around the house with him, take silly pictures and just laugh with him about everything. He is almost 3 years old and brings such joy to my life it is incredible! I am so grateful to have him in my life. (Pictured below is him!)
Yesterday I was called in to teach a ballet class at my studio fir this afternoon. This was another big surprise since with my injury I havent been able to even attend classes so the fact that they are willing to call me up to teach is a huge ordeal. I was really nervous going into it this afternoon but the fact that we jammed out to “What Makes You Beautiful” by One Direction for the last couple minutes of class definitely brought a smile to my face.
Everything that I did today made me happy and feel good about my life. Last night I was feeling worthless, lost and forgotten. Too much was going on that I didn’t want to deal with but today surely made up for that. After teaching for an hour I then got to assist with my little special needs girls in their dance class. They surely know how to being a smile to anyone’s face with their sense of adoration and love to be in such a welcoming and warm environment. Getting knocked over by them as they run and jump on you for a hug is the best feeling in the world. They are so energetic and so happy that you can’t not be happy for them.
I thank everyone in my life who knows how to bring a smile to my face and who knows how to unknowingly make me happy when I’m feeling down. Much love :)
-I am StrongTilTheEnd and you are too <3
Do you ever drive somewhere and know when you left and notice when you arrived, but the drive in between seems forgotten, as though you were in a daze the entire time? It almost seems dangerous, it feels as though you were not even paying attention to the road when in reality it is usually just because that is a route you drive on a normal basis so don’t need to take much notice of it. This is how my days seem to be going. They happen but I do not notice much in between. I try and think back on what happened and it gets really hard to remember. There are big things that stick out in my mind, such as the fact that today I fell on the ice getting out of my car and now my already injured ankle is swollen again, or the fact that 2 stupid careless drivers almost hit me causing accidents (one was looking on their phone and the other was completely clueless as to what was going on). School though I was in a haze and now my homework is proving to be more difficult than usual since I mentally have no conception of what we went over during those dreadful 50 minutes. I came home from school early (9:30am) and took a nap trying to clear my head. I must have pushed snooze at least 5 times because I just did not want to face reality once again. But I knew I had to. I had already set up to volunteer my time at a nursing home for a couple of hours. Those ladies that I interacted with were so happy to see me that there finally was a ray of sunshine on this already gloomy day. The weather itself was bad and I just hadn’t been feeling myself, but these ladies were so kind to me and so grateful of me being willing to offer my time to help them have a better day as well. I got home and proceeded back into my gloomy state though. Nothing has really brought a smile to my face since then besides the fake one which I put on to please my parents. No one has seemed willing to hold a normal conversation which is all I really need to feel a sense of friendship returning to my life. I am sick of talking to people about everything bad happening in my life and their own, I just want to have normal conversations again, but it is as though I don’t know how anymore. I physically can not get myself to text someone first in fear of rejection or just hearing ‘How are you doing?’. I am sick of that question and I am sick of the answer ‘I’m fine, and you?’. No one really cares and I don’t really care to tell people. All I need is a normal conversation, a normal day, a spurt of happiness, anything to get me out of this gloomy period.