3 Years Ago, today, an internal switch was flipped and I went a little crazy. I got really sad and confused while lying in this same bed here, in my grandparents attic, talking to someone. I went crazy. A friendship diminished. and like I said I got very confused. Eventually this led to my diagnosis of ‘depression’ and everything making a little bit more sense in the long run but not in the details. Each day is a journey and each accomplishment is a milestone which I am very proud of. Nothing is ultimately perfect like I used to think it would end up, but things are better in the end. If you want to keep up with my current journey feel free to follow me at my new, non-anonymous WordPress blog:
Thanks to those who did follow my journey for so many years. This day will always be more than Christmas to me, it was a turning point in my story, but nonetheless I hope everyone is enjoying their friends and family and holiday celebrations!
The text has been sent. The facebook message has been received. The voicemail has been left. The snapchat has been opened. Whatever means of technology has been used in this day and age, there is always a response which is expected…and then the reality that actually comes.
I’m one of those girls who constantly imagines the way a certain conversation will go…what they will say, what I will say, everything down to the last little smirk left on his face. No matter how many times I guess what his response will be or what phrase he will say, and no matter how many times I am wrong and get a little crushed by it, I can’t stop. I want our conversations to go a certain way only because I want our relationship to go a certain way. I know it’s not going to happen, at least any time soon, but I can’t stop and then it leads to nights like tonight. Where I’m alone, watching Netflix, wanting to cry. It’s pathetic really, but all I wanted him to say was “of course I’ll come over, just give me a second to figure out how to get there. You’re sick and I’d love to spend the night with you” But of course that isn’t the response I get. Instead I’m here all alone in this house cause the family left for the evening and I’ve been sick and I’m cooped up crying over something that I can’t change…
Even this little connection makes my heart skip a beat
Then my head lands on your shoulder
As my eyes begin to flutter shut I hear you whispering to me, telling me that I’m beautiful
It’s so late but now you have my attention once again
Your soft, tender fingers find the patch of skin showing from my slightly lifted shirt
Your lips touch mine and I know whatever happens here I am in the arms of someone who cares about me and I care about them
…As I lie with my head against your perfectly sculpted, bare chest, listening to your heart beat fast, I can’t help but think *was this just a dream?*
It was so perfect. You are so perfect. I’ve waited so long to be this close to you. Am I only imagining you lying next to me in the dim light wrapped in a mess of blankets? Or is this reality…are you really here? On Valentine’s Day? True bliss…
“We all want what we ain’t got,
Our favorite doors are always locked.
On a higher hill with a taller top,
We all want what we ain’t got…” –Jake Owen
Why is it that when I finally fall for a guy he’s ways off limits for one reason or another? Either he has a girlfriend, he’s out of my league, he would never want me or he’s just plain off limits. Always I feel this is the case. But now it’s getting out of hand… I’m falling and I know that it’s bad. I can’t fall for him. But I dreamt about us being together once, and now it’s on the front of my mind constantly.
It all started when this girl asked me if he and I were dating. I blushed and instantly said “No hahahah [insert awkward laughing]…” It was just an awkward situation with an awkward question from an awkward girl. How else was I supposed to respond??? And that was that…or so I thought. Then I had a dream that we were dating and cute-sy and he made me smile and laugh (which he already does, just saying!) and I was so genuinely happy that the next time I saw him (like in real life) that’s all I could think about: how happy he made me and the way I felt in my dream when I was with him.
But he is OFF LIMITS. and I know that. Does he have a girlfriend? No. So whyy, you may ask? He looks out for me like it’s his job. sweet?Yes! He tells me jokes to make me smile. kind?Yes! He walks me to my car at the end of the night. gentlemanly?Yes! … But he is my teacher (technically)…, and he is quite a bit older, he’s my mentor…a guardian almost. So I can’t have him. And i know that. But I can’t stop thinking about him in that way and he comes in my dreams [and I NEVER remember my dreams, mind you, but when he’s in them I do] and he makes me happy and protects me and wants whats best and I know he will always be there if I call or voice that I need help or someone to talk or just need someone by my side. That sounds like a pretty great boyfriend to me! I wish… :(
It’s a website called Ebates and it is such a fabulous invention in my opinion! It costs nothing to register and ultimately you’re just getting money back for doing what you already do. It’s a super easy website to follow and I have gotten money back already and I haven’t been a member for too long. The only way to have an account is to have a referral (following the link above) and from there you can refer friends and get more money on top of what you’ll already be receiving for making online transactions! Yayy for “free” money :)
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In addition to cash back, Ebates has thousands of great coupons, free shipping, and special offers from its stores, so you always get a great deal.
Membership at Ebates is free and there are no forms to fill in or points to redeem. You get paid cash back for shopping by check or Paypal. As an added bonus, we’ll each get a $5 bonus from Ebates when you make your first purchase!”
Being alone leads to feeling lonely. Feeling lonely leads to becoming emotional. [For me] becoming emotional leads to stress eating. Stress eating leads to me feeling bad about my body. Feeling bad about my body makes me embarrassed to present myself to people I wish to ‘impress.’ Being embarrassed to present myself to others leads me to being alone. Being alone leads to _________
I think you get the gist. The cycle always comes full circle…
I’ve been feeling a bit lonely of recent. But the strange thing is that I haven’t wanted to interact with people to avoid being alone. So does this make me hypocritical and lack self determination to make myself feel better? I don’t want to talk to people on the phone. I don’t want to hang out with the people who seem to want to hang out with me (tinder ‘friendships’ so I’m not sure how to make this work out…more on those another time :/ ), I don’t want to skype friends from home, I don’t want to reply to people’s texts. And I don’t really know why. I’ve been enjoying the time that I have spent on my own, but I have not enjoyed feeling lonely and depressed.
I think that I would LOVE to have a movie night with an attractive and sweet guy who lives near by…but then I think about it more and would I really rather just stay home and bake? I think that I want to talk to old friends…but then I think about it and would I really rather explore outside on my own while the weather is still decently nice? Would I rather eat lunch by my lonesome by the lake instead of talking to my mom? Would I rather sit on my futon and watch “Grey’s Anatomy” and get emotionally invested in that instead of describing my own emotional rollercoaster to someone else? I think yes, yes I would. I don’t want to put on an act and tell everyone that I “love it here” and “I’m so happy that I made this decision” or that “everything is going exactly as planned and it is all just sunshine and rainbows.” If I knew that someone really wanted to know and understand the trials and tribulations that go into each and every day up here on my own, then maybe, just maybe I would be willing to talk to them, but I know most people just want to hear that I’m happy and enjoying myself. Which I am…but there is OH so much more.
Nonetheless I did enjoy my day on my own, decorating my apartment