Monthly Archives: March 2013

On The Outside Looking In

Recently I’ve been feeling as though most people see my life and view me as living the picture perfect life. From the outside I have a stable family, I have friends, I succeed in school, I have a successful sister, my dad does well at work, we are living without my mom needing to work, we have a nice home, we have money, I “get what I want”, and I am just an overall happy person. What people don’t know can’t hurt them, right? I have honestly lost a lot of respect for people because of these views. I do not appreciate people judging me before knowing me. I don’t even think most of the people I interact with frequently view my life as having struggles. They still view me as leading a stable life. There are so many times where I wish that this wasn’t the case. I wish people could understand my situation. I wish that people knew the real me and could realize what I deal with. It has become very hard to even talk to the few people I do about what’s happening recently because they don’t know my background. They don’t know where I’ve come from and view my past as perfect as well. When I compare my life to the lives of my peers I may seem put together. I don’t deal with as drastic of situations in comparison to their own. But in reality I do. I have my problems in a different sense and always have. I have always been ‘struggling under cover’ so to say. But no one knows that. I have always been one to put on a happy face and act as though nothing is wrong, therefore no one thinks anything is wrong and never has been.

Some day I really want to spill my story, spill everything. But not to some random psychologist but someone who I trust and know cares about me in a personal sense. I want someone special that means a lot to me and I mean a lot to them. I want to open up to someone and soon. I know who I’d want to talk to, but not who would be willing to listen and to try and understand my side of things.

“Saying someone can’t be sad because someone else has it worse is like saying someone can’t be happy because someone else has it better”

-I am StrongTilTheEnd and you are too <3

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Disappointment or Rebirth?

Sometimes the easiest things to let go of are those that mean the most to you.

People may read something like that and think ‘man, this girl has no clue what she’s talking about’, but I truly believe that previous statement. This is because what means the most to you is also the quickest to return to your life if it really meant something to begin with. The things closest to your heart are the things that you can not imagine living your life without. These things, whether they be people, experiences, places or anything really, will put a hole in your life when they’re gone. But this doesn’t mean that you can’t go and mend the hole. It just may take time. A lot of it in some cases.

I am finding, that with my recent situation I am very irritable. I jump to conclusions too quickly and just get upset about generally stupid things that I shouldn’t even be wasting my time thinking about let alone getting worked up about. Knowing this though hasn’t stopped me from doing it. I have lost a lot of close friends recently and those who have stayed by my side through all of it are starting to disappear as well. This isn’t because of them. It is not their actions. It’s because of me. Whenever something happens that I am not fond of I quickly get upset and try (yes I TRY) to block these people out of life. I take the shortcut; the easy way out wherever possible. This though is proving me a great deal of hardship and sadness. I find myself crying even more now due to my actions and emotions building from something so miniscule to begin with. This happened today. This happened on Monday. This happened a few weeks ago. When I’ve been lucky I have been able to save the friendship. Come to an apology quickly and hope that they truly forgive me. But this time, I am unsure if it is going to be quite as easy. This girl means the world to me. She has been there for me when absolutely no one else is there for me to turn to. She knows absolutely everything that has happened to me in the past few months even though we have only known each other for just over a year. She has helped me through so many tough decisions and just gives the best advice. But I screwed up. I am unhappy with my decisions and accusations but in this day and age there is still no way for me to reverse time and stop myself from making those mistakes. I got angry and I ran with my emotions. I ran too fast and too hard though and now regret taking the first step. I should have waited at the starting line thinking about my options first.

I truly don’t know where I would be, if I would be, if she hadn’t come into my life. I can’t imagine moving on without her, but I can’t undo what has already been done. I must figure out a solution to this problem to hope that she can return to my life. I have become selfish. Everything I do is about me. I have to stop with this. I have to preserve the friendships that I do have at this pivotal moment in my life. I may have it bad, but I could have it so much worse. I need to be the friend to others as they have been for me. I need to put myself out there and do what I have been unwilling to do in the past. I need to recover from everything. The diagnosis should be the least of my worries right now. Instead I need to focus on rebuilding the life that I had once had. The friendships that I had once held onto so dear. I used to be a good friend. The friend that everyone would come to when they needed someone. But now, I have just gone back into the shadows. I have isolated myself and my feelings. I try and let people know how much they mean to me, but I think the only way for me to redeem this this time will be to find a way to show it. To find a way to prove that I want this back. I want this friendship in my life. I want this friend by my side. Not for me, but for us. For us to hold each other up as each of us are falling down. For both of us to have someone to go to when the going gets tough. Life isn’t easy. We all need that one friend who is truly our best friend. Or at least one of our best friends who we know we can always turn to, no matter what the situation.

I wish I could take back what I did earlier today. But instead it is going to teach me how to act in the future. I must learn from my mistakes and prevent them from occurring again. I can look at this as a set back in my life or an opportunity for growth in the future, of both me and our friendship. I still don’t know how to rekindle the flame holding our friendship together, but I will find a way. I need to find a way.

“Obstacles can’t stop you. Problems can’t stop you. Most of all, other people can’t stop you. Only you can stop you.”

-I am StrongTilTheEnd and you are too <3

“Well this changes things…”

Or does it?

Sleeping 30 of 36 hours straight. Skipping 2 days of school. Not eating. Never feeling rested. Did I ever expect this? Did I ever expect to be woken up at 11 am on a Friday to be told, “You’re going to the doctor today.” with no room for argument or denial? No. There is no doubt in my mind that this had never came into view. I never expected the results of feeling down, sleeping and avoiding school to bring me into a strange women’s office asking me questions about motivation, happiness and suicide. Never in a million years would I have envisioned this experience to be with my parents sitting by my side. But does this mean that my life has changed? Does this mean that I can’t live as I did before? In some ways, yes it sort of does. Now I have this weight of a diagnosis dragging down on me. A secret that may or may not be shared with others. A new me has been born. But this doesn’t mean that this is the end. More than anything this is a chance for inspiration. A path has been started which could lead me to some answers. Some happiness. A new sense of hope and well being. A new journey in my life has begun and it is how I decide to view it that will determine if it is for the better or for the worse.

“Stay strong, make them wonder how you’re still smiling.”

-I am StrongTilTheEnd and you are too <3

Growing Up Is A Lifelong Process

I may only be 17, but I have dealt with more than I ever thought I would have by this time in my life. Life throws challenges at you, but it is how you deal with these challenges that make you the person you truly are.

When I think back to when I was 10 and was looking onward in my life, I would never have expected myself to be in the place that I am today. I feel as though my world is crashing down around me, not lifting me up to dive into a new adventure that I had never second guessed. College. I never once thought that college wouldn’t be my first priority and option at this stage in my life. I knew that this was the expectation and I would make it a reality. But instead of this being the case I have had mud thrown at me, knocking me down time and time again. I have no idea where I am anymore in life, and it sure isn’t the daisies and butterflies that I was used to. I had a good life. I knew where I was going. I knew what I was doing. I had friends. I had support. And most importantly, I had a strong will to succeed and make the people around me proud. Now, most of that is gone. I have lost everything that I had once had and now am lost in a world that doesn’t care. I’ve always known that life wouldn’t be easy, but I never thought that I would come to this stage in my life where it was this hard.

Life is surely a learning process. Every stage teaches me something new. Every situation instills morals and ideas of how to behave, and what is accepted by society. I am always learning and I am always growing. I need to see this period in my life as a time for growth, not a time for destruction and despair.

“It’s true that pain makes people change”

-I am StrongTilTheEnd and you are too <3