For some reason this past week I have been putting a lot of thought into becoming a vegetarian, particularly when school starts for me this fall and I am officially on my own to make my own decisions. I’m unsure if this will be the right choice though so I’m curious to hear other people’s opinions. There are many health benefits as long as you are still smart about getting all of your food groups covered over the course of a day. I am always striving to be healthier and more aware of what is going into my body and how I care for my body so why not try this and see if I can get happier and healthier…right??
Because I’m too embarrassed to admit it aloud I will admit it to all of you. You guys don’t judge me and if you do I don’t know and can’t see so it all works out in the end. Bloggers, I have a problem. A big problem. Like what the hell is wrong with me?? I care SO much about how I look and staying skinny and being in shape yet for some reason I have these cravings that I constantly am feeding. I want chocolate? I eat chocolate. I want ice cream? I go buy ice cream. I am so embarrassed by the number of times over the last week or so that I have stopped to get fast food, food full of sugar or greasy food late at night because it’s on my mind and I can’t get it to stop. Time and time again I tell myself that I need to stop. I need to be anorexic. I need to be thin. I need to not eat. I need to give up fatty foods. I need to give up meat. I need to give up chocolate. I need to give up sugar all around. Yet I don’t. When I weigh myself I am disappointed. I know that I shouldn’t weigh what I do. (Well I guess I should, technically weigh more or something, but I know that I don’t want to). I know that I can fix it yet I don’t and it feels like I am trapped and can’t do anything to make it better.
Do you ever just not know what’s going on in your life? You’re going through the motions, happy or not, but don’t really understand the path that you’re on or what you wish to accomplish. I feel sort of lost and in the hustle and bustle of life which just keeps dragging me on towards an unknown destination where I hope to find happiness but the way it seems at this point I am unsure that that is the case. I know bits and pieces about what my future holds but it is unpromising whether or not it will be up to my standards of a successful life. I am scared, confused and a bit lost as to the things happening around me. I know that I’m unhappy with a lot, I know what some of it is but other aspects of my life I’m unsure what I’m unhappy about. I know that that makes no sense to anyone but me but it is true. There are things dragging me down but I’m not positive what all of those things are. It’s a crappy cycle to be in to be feeling down about your job, your family, your sport, your body, your friends and simply just your life. But sometimes those moments in life are what will teach you the most once you get to the other side. I’m completely unsure when I will arrive to that side, hopefully soon and hopefully by then I will be able to understand what is going on and might even have a smile on my face…let’s hope!
What is this? The day that I start dancing again my sweet tooth must emerge. But can I even call it a sweet tooth? A craving? Or is it just a flat out problem? I start watching what I eat, I start losing weight, I feel a little bit okay with my body and then I get in front of mirrors for the first time in weeks in tight clothing and when I come home all I want to do is eat all of the chocolate on planet Earth. Is there a connection? I once again can easily pick apart every aspect of my body. I once again can compare myself to dancer B standing next to me and dancer A across the room. So what do I do…? Take up more space with my food intake, have a larger number on the scale and continue to eat more as I continue to feel worse about myself. Sounds like a solid plan…right? I stayed home this year to not only heal my ankle, but to heal myself, but the more I think about it the more I feel like some of my problems, like my eating tendencies, have gotten worse as the year has progressed. I head off to college in two short months and I know that not much is going to be able to change in terms of my shape, my eating habits or how I feel about my body. And that sucks. I will be in a whole new environment, surrounded with more itty bitty individuals and what that means for me I have no idea. It scares me. It really truly does. But does anyone know that? hahahahha I wish. Now you guys do, but anyone who can help? Hell no they don’t. I could revert to some awful awful habits on both ends of the eating disorder spectrum and I’m beyond scared for the unconscious decision that very well could be made…
There is so much on my mind. So many things that I want to say and talk about and get off my chest and express to someone, anyone. But whenever I sit down to write it all I can’t seem to get it out. Nothing is working. I can’t vent…no matter how much I need to. Sorry it’s been a while, few readers that I still have, but stick it out and I’ll be back to complain some more hopefully soon. Thanks for waiting by my side. Your thoughts and support are greatly appreciated through this time of struggle.