Last minute changes are usually scary. All of a sudden you have to remember new choreography for your show in 2 hours, or the parents you were going to babysit for want you there early so you have to hope to be able to rearrange your schedule for the afternoon. Those things can really suck, but when everything works out you can look back and be much happier with how things went.
Last minute life changes though? Those you can’t be 100% sure when you’ll be able to look back and see whether or not it was for the better or the worse. It’s scary. It’s unsettling. It is a totally unknown territory that you weren’t expecting to explore for 6 months…or a year…but you’re really just hoping that in the end it will work out for your benefit and you’ll be happy, because ultimately that’s all that matters: One’s happiness.
And that’s what I am striving for: Finding my happiness in this crazy roller coaster of a life. I am leaving a lot behind to go live on my own in Duluth and just dance opposed to my previous plan to go to school at the U of Iowa. I am leaving the stability of a school schedule, the closeness of everyone in a dorm, and the boy that I was really starting to fall for. I am leaving a meal plan, the knowledge of the budget and so much more. But hopefully I am gaining even more than I am leaving behind. I move into my one bedroom apartment on Monday and to say that I am scared out of my mind would be an understatement. The last time I wrote was 2 weeks before I was going to move South into a college dorm room with a roommate, now here I am 4 weeks later having completely changed my plans of action for this year, getting ready to head North to live on my own in a new city where I know literally 2 people. I hope it’s for the better, but I know for SURE that in 5 years I can’t look back and think to myself: “What if I would have made the decision to go chase my dreams?” Wish me luck!!
I leave in 2 weeks. HOLY CRAP! I LEAVE IN 2 WEEKS!! Like I can’t even control the emotions that overcome me when I think about it. In 2 weeks I will be at a new school, in a new city, surrounded by new people and sights and sounds…Don’t get me wrong, I am very excited to escape, but it scares the crap out of me. It doesn’t help that my parents started talking to me today about switching around my schedule and rethinking this whole college thing. Granted I brought it up a week ago or so but I figured I would get a semester or a year behind me before I changed my course of action. –I feel like this is completely run on but it’s flowing so I’m going to keep going– I have sort of decided that I want to scratch the whole college only thing and look into auditioning for a company or a more ballet based dance school. Not that Iowa isn’t going to be good, I’m just not entirely sure if it is what I’m looking for and having regrets before you even show up for the first day is a really scary place to be. That’s why I am currently listening to a “rainy day” playlist on Spotify, craving chocolate on chocolate and feeling like I want to cry. That’s normal…right?! Like what is going on with me?? And this guy that I wrote about like a week ago is being really confusing and I don’t know what to do about him anymore. He doesn’t seem to want to talk to me or make me happy or let me make him happy like we did before. He just seems very nonchalant towards me and I don’t know what changed. It stresses me out because he was one of the biggest reasons I was so excited about college. To go in with a guy would be something short of amazing and so not what I’m used to that it would be such a superb change. But now he’s acting weird and I don’t know why. i’ve asked if I did something wrong and he said no. I asked if he was okay and he said yes. But he just isn’t himself…or at least the ‘him’ that I was seemingly getting to know. I don’t know. Maybe it’s for the better so that I don’t feel tied down to someone right off the bat and can have an open eye for people throughout the start of the semester. But at the same time I was really looking forward to spending time with him and having someone to hold and love and to love me back. Is that too much to ask for??? What is going on with my life? I have so much to do and not enough time to do any of it let alone spend time dwelling on the “what if’s”, the “could’ve beens”, and the “should’ve beens”. Anyways now that I have completely confused the crap out of everyone including myself goodbye….