What do you know? I got to have a hospital adventure once again! Seems to always happen to me once a year. An adventure of some sort. Sometimes they last one afternoon and sometimes they span over 6 months. This year was a 4 hour trip to the ER…always fun…not!
So this past Wednesday I was feeling really crappy so stayed in bed all day and just didn’t eat or drink anything. I probably slept for 25+ hours between when I went to bed Tuesday night and when I woke up Thursday morning. I went downstairs about 8:45am on Thursday because my stomach was growling. I reached for a box of cereal and got a little dizzy. Realizing that I needed food in my belly NOW I quickly crossed the kitchen to reach for a bowl. I remember everything going hazy and black and the next thing I knew my dad was waking me up, I was looking under the kitchen cabinets on the floor and my head hurt like crazy! When my dad got down to me my eyes were open but I was completely unresponsive. Since I had epilepsy when I was in middle school my parents decided to bring me into the ER to see if they could figure out if I had a seizure or if I just fainted. Also since I clearly had hit my head they wanted to check for a concussion.
A 4 hour trip to the ER was in store for me for the afternoon. My first IV to get me fluids. My first CT scan to check for a brain bleed and a jaw fracture. A very painful shoulder x-ray. Too much blood drawn. Too many nurses and doctors to keep straight. All in all I came away with a diagnosed sinus infection (antibiotics to go with it), a bruised and uneven jawline, a shoulder sprain and a headache! Oh great fun. It was quite the adventure and one that I surely do not want to repeat in the near future.
In other news: I got asked out last Tuesday so that was a bit of a pick-me-up! But sadly we haven’t been able to yet due to my current condition and his busy work schedule. But hopefully soon :)
It has been forever since I have posted something original (in other words not just reblogged someone else’s words). It isn’t so much that nothing has been happening but nothing very exciting that’s for sure. This dance season is slowly coming to an end and I couldn’t be more excited to be done! I can’t wait to begin my summer classes and be free from the current stress and frustration I feel revolving dance at this moment in time. My little dancers had their performance last Saturday and it was a success! It was so sad saying goodbye though, but lucky for me I have offered up my babysitting services and I couldn’t be happier with the number of responses I received for such offers! Last Thursday evening I spent 3 hours talking with my two mentors at their house around “grape juice” and a cackling fire and it was one of the best nights in a long time. I almost didn’t go because I didn’t want it to be awkward and I didn’t know how to put my circling thoughts into words but they called me prior to the time I had set up to come over and convinced me that they wanted to see me and could tell that I could use some time with them as well. They couldn’t have been more right! I am so very happy that I saw them and talked to them and am so blessed to have them in my life. I may not be able to say everything to them but the things I can say do truly help me in the end. I guess that’s all for now. Just sort of a jumble of thoughts and concepts. Work is a drag but it pays the bills. Family life is rough but I’m almost out. The eating disorder situation is up in the air. The therapy has been at a standstill for almost 4 months. The depression is up and down. My allergies are back (I think…or else my immune system is just straight up crap which wouldn’t be a lie either…). Anywho, goodnight, sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite ;)
There will be days where you throw yourself down on the floor and dive into the depths of your loneliness.
There will be days where you wish you could crawl into bed and sweep your problems away with the pull of the covers.
There will be days where you feel so delicate that you are unsure if you can even take the next step without shattering.
There will be days where you have walked so far you think that you have gone as far as you will ever get.
There will be days where you look in the mirror and wish so desperately that you were someone else.
There will be days where you wonder if you’ll ever crawl out of this with the wonder you once held.
There will be days upon days filled with discomfort and disappointment and wishing you could crawl back into your parents’ bed and be…
Getting a six-foot liftoff when you’re two feet tall shoots you straight into the stratosphere. Suddenly you’re riding your own personal human in a bumpy living room safari in the clouds. Your diaper-padded ass bounces safely on sturdy shoulders as you giggle and grab fistfuls of hair and glasses while gazing down at the tiny toy-covered world you thought you knew.
Yes, your baby brain zooms out and gives a sneak peek of the big world you’re about to discover: riding wobbly bikes and skinning your knees at distant playgrounds, cruising around after curfew with fresh drivers licenses, and staring out tiny airplane windows at distant crisscrossed patches of your hometown.
Look back on those blurry shoulder rides in those jungle backyards and remember the rushing gushing feeling of going way up, staring way down, opening your eyes, and opening your mind…
“I don’t know,” I say with a frown as I angle my body sideways in the mirror. “Does it really look okay?”
“It looks fine,” my best friend replies, rolling her eyes. “You look good.”
I smooth the ruched fabric over my protruding hipbones. They are the part of my appearance I will never accept, no matter how long I spend trying to convince myself that they’re normal. I spin one way, then the other, watching as my shape goes from backyard stick to lopsided pear. But nobody wants to hear my complaining, so I just sigh and move away from the mirror.
“You don’t dress like you hate your body,” a friend remarked once as we ride the el to our downtown destination. I didn’t know how to respond to that. I didn’t even know what that meant. I felt like I should be offended, but I wasn’t…