Happy Halloween everyone!! This year on this day I was actually truly happy! There is a reason that people go around wishing people a “happy” day because everyone deserves a happy day in their books. And do you know what made me the happiest? Seeing my best friend (3 years old) dressed up as Woody from “Toy Story” and being so excited to come ring my doorbell and see me :) What a smile that brought to my face! He makes my life so much happier. He gives me so much to hold onto and love. He is the light at the end of the tunnel on bad days. His pictures bring me instant happiness. His smile fills the world with hope. I love his attitude toward life and some of the things he says instantly melt my heart. His little sister (10 months) is also becoming much more interactive and I absolutely adore the pair of them. I love them with all my heart and loved being able to spend part of my Halloween with them! I hope everyone else had a safe and fun night and were able to have some distraction from the amount of candy that they ate, or how they looked in their costume, because the holidays are days meant to celebrate, enjoy yourself and have a really really good time!!
Even though I am constantly complaining I really do have a lot to be thankful for. I have a roof over my head, food on my plate and clothes in my closet. I have enough money to survive plus some. I have a loving family. But most importantly I have the support of people around me. I don’t thank people quite nearly as often as I should but this post is dedicated to the one and only: Kimmie :)
You have changed my life in the few short months which I have known you and I am so beyond blessed to have you in my life. Back in May when I was applying for jobs I had no intention of a certain destination of employment. I just wanted a job!! So I applied for job after job after job hoping that at least someone out there would want someone like me in their place of work. Thank goodness that I came across the Dairy Queen application. I applied and really thought nothing of it. But once I got that call and had my interview I knew that there was no turning back. I would try it and see where it took me. Damn, I am so glad that I made that decision! The job was fun, yes, but the best part of working there were the people that I worked with and most importantly: you! You are like a second mom to me. A lot of times you understand me and my views even more than my own mother. You get me and you give such great advice. You express the words that will help me in the end more than anyone I have ever met. You aren’t afraid to say the truth even if it may hurt because you know that eventually I will come around to realize that that is exactly what I needed to hear. I love you more than words can express.. When I am breaking down and at my lowest of lows you are always right there ready to help. Your hugs make me feel loved for once. You’re thoughtful and caring and can make me laugh whenever about anything and everything. I do not know where I would be without you in my life. We always tell each other that God had our paths cross for a reason and that couldn’t be more true. You mean the world to me and I am so happy to call you a great and dear friend. Thanks for everything that you have done for me recently. I love you Kimmie and am crying thinking about how different my life would be right now had I not met you. I so appreciate all of the texts which you put up with from me and all of the times where I just need to hear a few simple words knowing that everything is going to be alright. I appreciate the support you have provided and the love you have shared. This doesn’t even cover it all but I need to let the world know how much you have positively effected my life.
“Live your truth. Express your love. Share your enthusiasm. Take action towards your dreams. Walk your talk. Dance and sing to your music. Embrace your blessings. Make today worth remembering.”
At the end of almost every single day I ask myself the same question: “Why?” and it gets harder and harder to answer as more days pass by. Last year I made my decisions around the end of April and I thought that I had done enough thinking on the concept of my future and was determined that I was making the right decision. As the days, weeks, and months pass I question it though. Why did I stay here again? Am I really gaining anything? Some nights (such as tonight) I realize how much I would prefer to be off at college somewhere…anywhere. My ankle is healing but I am still behind in terms of strength and ability when it comes to dance. My teachers don’t even seem to believe in me anymore which is making it even harder to believe in myself. I am constantly being held back to ‘not injure me further’ but as I try and work through the basics no one is there cheering me on. Instead I am looked past and they are on to the next girl or boy. Even when I wasn’t injured I have been looked past as a dancer so is there any point in pushing on to regain my strength? If I wasn’t injured would I have even gotten into a dance program in college? At this point I am definitely thinking not. Ever. And now there is an even smaller chance. I lack all confidence and with no outside support and understanding it is even more difficult to push myself to work hard and achieve my goals.
Why in the world did I decide to stay in Rochester this year? Like I totally know why I did, but day by day I question it even more. I am sick and tired of this house situation. I hate relying on my parents. I hate my parents nagging me. I hate reapplying for colleges. I hate living in Rochester. I hate not meeting new people. I hate seeing all of the people my old friends have met and made their new friends. I hate being out of contact with so many people. I hate paying for my gas money. I hate sitting around my house. I hate not having anyone to hang out with. I hate this show that we are working on at dance. I hate my ankle. I hate my relationships with the people who could have potentially been my friends here in town still. I hate how I screw everything up. I hate how alone I feel. I hate pretty much everything about this year besides my job. I love my job! But I hate how I have no idea how I am going to survive once we close for the season. What am I going to do with the time I usually spent working? Where am I going to get money to pay for gas and clothes and food? How am I going to make it through the dreadful months of winter without spending time with my coworkers who can always put me in a good mood? The only people who will keep me going are the kids down the street who I can laugh and have a good time with. But when I am depressed going into the mornings I don’t usually enjoy their company quite as much. I am tired and crabby and just want to sleep and get away from everybody. I don’t even have anywhere to ‘get away’ these days. Last year I used my room, but now my parents are always barging in to have discussions which turn quickly into “Let’s bash Ashley about everything that she could possibly be doing wrong at the moment” sessions. Yet somehow they still totally are missing the fact that I have problems. I have issues. They aren’t under the radar anymore but my parents still manage not to notice. I am not myself anymore. Others have noticed, but my parents…yea not so much. They notice every little change in my sister and care about all of her great accomplishments, but they only manage to see how I am ruining their lives by staying in town. It sucks. That is all.
You know that moment when you are shopping with someone and they continue to pick out clothes for you to try on and you continue to say no? Eventually it comes to the point where you start to feel bad (at least I do), and feel that soon you should agree to try on the article of clothing even if you really are not a fan.
This afternoon my mom, sister and I were at the mall. This exact thing happened and I was guilted into trying on the worst selection in the store. It wasn’t ugly, in fact I really liked it, but I knew that the moment I put it on I would hate myself. And that I did indeed. It happened to be one of those body tight dresses…with STRIPES. If I was someone else this may not have bothered me, I may not have thought twice about trying it on. But it is me. And it affected me. I know that stripes do not flatter my figure and make me feel awful about myself. I know that there are much better things (black in particular) that make me feel at least a little more comfortable in my body. But of course the stripes are what I agreed to. The stripes were what my mom said “Oh, but it will look so cute! Don’t you think so?” The stripes were what I had to put on and look at myself in. I saw everything. I hated everything. The stripes extenuated exactly what I despise about my body. My hips. My stomach. Every little inch of fat could be seen. Every curve. Ever insecurity.
I know that if I had been alone in the dressing room (without my family waiting outside the door) I would have stared at myself for much, much longer. But since they were out there I knew that I couldn’t. I couldn’t take the time to pick apart every problem, but I surely saw plenty. I could have cried, but I refrained. I could have taken a picture to look at and remind myself of these emotions and thoughts, but thank goodness that I did not. This dress reminded me how much I hate my body. It reminded me how upsetting it is to see pictures from a few years ago and see how much skinnier and in shape I was. It was an awful reminder of the fact that when I went to the doctor on Thursday I weighed in at more than I have ever weighed before. It reminded me that I am fat. I feel awful about myself and this dress sure as hell dropped those feelings even more than before. I hate myself and I hate my body. I hate stripes. I hate that dress. I hate that I said “yes”.
Last weekend I found out that my sister would be coming home this weekend. Great heads up mom and dad! This would usually be alright if I didn’t have to mentally prepare myself for her returns from college. You see, her and I don’t get along all too great and some of the things she says really affect me when she (and my parents) doesn’t even realize it. This makes the times with her really crappy sometimes. One of the first things she says to me was explaining that I had gained weight since this summer…Gee thanks. If only people knew the issues I have with weight and appearance and then maybe people would stop making stabs at me about it. Then she also expressed that I “have been ruined.” Again, thank you oh so much. I know that my life isn’t perfect, and I don’t expect it to be, but I wouldn’t necessarily say that my life is ruined. I have many issues which are really hard to talk about with other people but I can still have a good life if I want to. Comments like these make it really hard to welcome her back when I don’t enjoy being around her. Good grief :(