Tag Archives: Recovery

Overwhelmed

I leave in 2 weeks. HOLY CRAP! I LEAVE IN 2 WEEKS!! Like I can’t even control the emotions that overcome me when I think about it. In 2 weeks I will be at a new school, in a new city, surrounded by new people and sights and sounds…Don’t get me wrong, I am very excited to escape, but it scares the crap out of me. It doesn’t help that my parents started talking to me today about switching around my schedule and rethinking this whole college thing. Granted I brought it up a week ago or so but I figured I would get a semester or a year behind me before I changed my course of action. –I feel like this is completely run on but it’s flowing so I’m going to keep going– I have sort of decided that I want to scratch the whole college only thing and look into auditioning for a company or a more ballet based dance school. Not that Iowa isn’t going to be good, I’m just not entirely sure if it is what I’m looking for and having regrets before you even show up for the first day is a really scary place to be. That’s why I am currently listening to a “rainy day” playlist on Spotify, craving chocolate on chocolate and feeling like I want to cry. That’s normal…right?! Like what is going on with me?? And this guy that I wrote about like a week ago is being really confusing and I don’t know what to do about him anymore. He doesn’t seem to want to talk to me or make me happy or let me make him happy like we did before. He just seems very nonchalant towards me and I don’t know what changed. It stresses me out because he was one of the biggest reasons I was so excited about college. To go in with a guy would be something short of amazing and so not what I’m used to that it would be such a superb change. But now he’s acting weird and I don’t know why. i’ve asked if I did something wrong and he said no. I asked if he was okay and he said yes. But he just isn’t himself…or at least the ‘him’ that I was seemingly getting to know. I don’t know. Maybe it’s for the better so that I don’t feel tied down to someone right off the bat and can have an open eye for people throughout the start of the semester. But at the same time I was really looking forward to spending time with him and having someone to hold and love and to love me back. Is that too much to ask for??? What is going on with my life? I have so much to do and not enough time to do any of it let alone spend time dwelling on the “what if’s”, the “could’ve beens”, and the “should’ve beens”. Anyways now that I have completely confused the crap out of everyone including myself goodbye….

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Party Like It’s My Birthday!

Yup…that’s right…I am officially 19 years young! My birthday (Sunday, July 13th) was much better than years past and I’m not entirely sure why. To me, birthdays are sort of a reminder of loneliness. I know it is supposed to be the opposite: a celebration of life and family and friends and love. But for me they bring out the parts of life that aren’t really what I want to focus on: the people who don’t know it’s your birthday or don’t care, the people who forget, the lack of love in the air. That is 100% what last year was focused on. This year started out that way but definitely turned up for the better. I got texts from new friends and old friends. I felt loved by my family. I got to spend the weekend with my grandparents. I ate scrumptious food and amazingly don’t feel totally out of shape at this point so I guess I can’t complain. Did I have a party? No. Did I physically celebrate with friends? No. But I felt the love and warmth of my friends and new people that I’ve recently met and it was just overall a good day.

30 Facts!

30 (interesting?) Facts about Me…Let’s Goooo!

  1. I am one week away from being 19 years old
  2. I have never read the entire Harry Potter series (I am currently on book 5)
  3. My favorite color is green
  4. I have what’s called raynaud’s phenomenon where the tips of my fingers and toes turn purple when I get too cold (which is pretty much all the time in the winter)
  5. I am currently stretching my feet in an attempt to have better feet for dance
  6. I prefer online shopping to shopping in a store even though it stresses me out since I can’t try the items on
  7. I haven’t had my first kiss
  8. I collect keychains from cool destinations that I have been to
  9. My favorite tv show is either ‘Friends’ or ‘Grey’s Anatomy’
  10. I have only been drunk once
  11. When I was little I thought that helping my dad wash the car was the most fun thing on the planet!
  12. My favorite foods are fresh fruit and pasta
  13. I am the most honest texter after 12am (but then I tend to say too much and regret it later)
  14. I am a picture hoarder
  15. I have seen 7+ different physical therapists for a problem in my right foot/ankle at some point over the last 10 years
  16. I am a night owl
  17. I had a mole removed from beside my nose in 1st grade and loved the barbie bandaids that I got to wear over the stitches
  18. I haven’t had a hair cut since last October
  19. I’m super scared to not get along with my roommate
  20. And on that note it makes me anxious trying to figure out who I want to make sure to get together with before I head off to college
  21. I had 16 baby teeth pulled
  22. I am really bad at saying how I really feel about a situation to someone else therefore I come across very indecisive when in reality I just don’t want to state my feelings or opinions
  23. I have slight OCD about cleanliness but when it comes to my room or bathroom they are a mess
  24. I own at least 100 pairs of earrings but I only wear one 98% of the time
  25. When I was born I weighed 2 lbs and 9 oz
  26. I think that 30 facts is a lot of information to come up with about yourself!
  27. I think that Channing Tatum is the most attractive actor out there (I even have a pinterest board that is basically all him;))
  28. I love writing letters to people
  29. I love finding youtube videos of covers of songs
  30. During the summer after 7th grade one of my friends’ brothers decided that he wanted to ask me out but I had never met him. He called me to ask if I wanted to go camping with him but I told him no. He kept calling and I kept saying no, but it got so out of hand that my mom almost disconnected our phone for the rest of the afternoon

Am I Repeating Myself?

Saturday, July 5th, the day after our nation’s independence day and I woke up feeling in the dumps. Friday night was rough but Thursday night was even worse. I felt like I was losing every friend around me all of a sudden and I didn’t know what to do anymore. So it’s kind ironic that day 5 of this challenge is “A time you thought about ending your own life.”

If I would have wanted to do some sort of 30 day challenge a couple of years ago and saw this one I would have thought “wow, that’s sad that someone would want to end their life let alone talk about it to others” but now that I’m on the other side and have depression and have been suicidal and have had plans and have lost a lot of friends and have felt completely alone in this world and have had to change my plans for the future…a few times…and do have problems with a possible eating disorder. Now I know. It is somewhat common and it does happen. I have written on this a few times (see here and here and here), more than I would like but it does happen where your thoughts go where you don’t want them to, but you can’t just stop them from going there necessarily. Life does suck sometimes and you don’t think it’s worth it. But once you get out of that strange time you do know that it is worth it and life will get better…it may take a while but it will.

Religion…

Surprise, surprise, I’m behind on my 30 day challenge. Does this surprise me at all? Nope. I suck at keeping up with this sort of stuff. So be prepared for an influx of posts…

Day 4 is your views on religion. My family raised me Christian. We went to church frequently, I went to Sunday School, did Vacation Bible School in the summers, went to a church camp, got confirmed and then stopped going to church. It isn’t that I don’t believe, it’s that I’m very poor at keeping up with things such as praying or waking up early to get to church every Sunday. I always say that I will try harder and work at it, but I never follow through after a few days (explained here) even though I know I should. I can’t recall the stories of the Bible and I barely know the meaning behind the holidays which are the few days I go to church. I hope that someday my husband will encourage me to get involved in our local church, but if that doesn’t happen I guess it won’t be the end of the world. Some people take their views on faith to the extreme (such as the guy shouting excerpts from the Bible on a downtown street corner on Thursday afternoon) and those are the people that bother me. You don’t need to push your own beliefs down someone else’s throats to get your points across. That is annoying and makes me turn my nose up to religion. But if you invite me to an event at your church or sit down with me and explain your views I won’t push them away but take time later to think on what you had to say.

Late Night Adventuring

Last night I received a text at 10:30pm asking me if I wanted to hang out. Of course with how boring my life usually is I said ‘yes!’ My friend and I ended up venturing out to this little marsh-like area with a gazebo in the middle to sit and look up at the stars. We haven’t hung out in months so this was the perfect way to catch up and it checked some things off of my bucket list! Including stargazing and going on a late night adventure. We covered topics from breakups to the unknowns of space to alcohol and the rebellion of teenage years and it was so ideal that I didn’t want the night to end. In my opinion everyone needs to have a little adventure in their life. Go out late at night to do the unknown. Go to a party and try a little wine or vodka. It won’t kill you if you’re smart about it and it doesn’t hurt to have fun.

Here are the blog challenges that I am choosing between and instead of having to explain them each day I decided to actually post them:

My Future is Unknown

College: the next 4 years of unknown looming over my head. I hate the unknown, surprises, any thing of the like. I prefer to know exactly what is going on at all times but I have no real concrete plans for the future. When people ask me what I am studying I have a definite: mathematics and dance major. When people ask me what I plan to do…that is where the question marks appear and I go blank. I am very unsure what I plan to do with math and/or dance. I would love to teach dance some day again, but I don’t know if that’s what I plan to do right out of college or wait til I’m older. I would love to perform in a smaller company in the US, but I don’t know if I’m good enough for that. I would love to use math in a fun and engaging way without becoming a math teacher (I think that would take the fun out of math…) but doing what, I have no clue! In 10 years I will be 29 years old. Doing what though?? I have no vision. I hope to have met the love of my life and be planning for the future. I hope to be in a job(s) that I enjoy and make decent money to support myself and my future family. And I hope to be living life to the fullest! I have no idea where I will be living or what I will be doing but I sure as hell hope to be loving my life and the people in it! Find me in 10 years and see if I was close to being right on Day 2 of my blogging challenge :)