3 Years Ago, today, an internal switch was flipped and I went a little crazy. I got really sad and confused while lying in this same bed here, in my grandparents attic, talking to someone. I went crazy. A friendship diminished. and like I said I got very confused. Eventually this led to my diagnosis of ‘depression’ and everything making a little bit more sense in the long run but not in the details. Each day is a journey and each accomplishment is a milestone which I am very proud of. Nothing is ultimately perfect like I used to think it would end up, but things are better in the end. If you want to keep up with my current journey feel free to follow me at my new, non-anonymous WordPress blog:
Thanks to those who did follow my journey for so many years. This day will always be more than Christmas to me, it was a turning point in my story, but nonetheless I hope everyone is enjoying their friends and family and holiday celebrations!
The text has been sent. The facebook message has been received. The voicemail has been left. The snapchat has been opened. Whatever means of technology has been used in this day and age, there is always a response which is expected…and then the reality that actually comes.
I’m one of those girls who constantly imagines the way a certain conversation will go…what they will say, what I will say, everything down to the last little smirk left on his face. No matter how many times I guess what his response will be or what phrase he will say, and no matter how many times I am wrong and get a little crushed by it, I can’t stop. I want our conversations to go a certain way only because I want our relationship to go a certain way. I know it’s not going to happen, at least any time soon, but I can’t stop and then it leads to nights like tonight. Where I’m alone, watching Netflix, wanting to cry. It’s pathetic really, but all I wanted him to say was “of course I’ll come over, just give me a second to figure out how to get there. You’re sick and I’d love to spend the night with you” But of course that isn’t the response I get. Instead I’m here all alone in this house cause the family left for the evening and I’ve been sick and I’m cooped up crying over something that I can’t change…
Even this little connection makes my heart skip a beat
Then my head lands on your shoulder
As my eyes begin to flutter shut I hear you whispering to me, telling me that I’m beautiful
It’s so late but now you have my attention once again
Your soft, tender fingers find the patch of skin showing from my slightly lifted shirt
Your lips touch mine and I know whatever happens here I am in the arms of someone who cares about me and I care about them
…As I lie with my head against your perfectly sculpted, bare chest, listening to your heart beat fast, I can’t help but think *was this just a dream?*
It was so perfect. You are so perfect. I’ve waited so long to be this close to you. Am I only imagining you lying next to me in the dim light wrapped in a mess of blankets? Or is this reality…are you really here? On Valentine’s Day? True bliss…
Being alone leads to feeling lonely. Feeling lonely leads to becoming emotional. [For me] becoming emotional leads to stress eating. Stress eating leads to me feeling bad about my body. Feeling bad about my body makes me embarrassed to present myself to people I wish to ‘impress.’ Being embarrassed to present myself to others leads me to being alone. Being alone leads to _________
I think you get the gist. The cycle always comes full circle…
I’ve been feeling a bit lonely of recent. But the strange thing is that I haven’t wanted to interact with people to avoid being alone. So does this make me hypocritical and lack self determination to make myself feel better? I don’t want to talk to people on the phone. I don’t want to hang out with the people who seem to want to hang out with me (tinder ‘friendships’ so I’m not sure how to make this work out…more on those another time :/ ), I don’t want to skype friends from home, I don’t want to reply to people’s texts. And I don’t really know why. I’ve been enjoying the time that I have spent on my own, but I have not enjoyed feeling lonely and depressed.
I think that I would LOVE to have a movie night with an attractive and sweet guy who lives near by…but then I think about it more and would I really rather just stay home and bake? I think that I want to talk to old friends…but then I think about it and would I really rather explore outside on my own while the weather is still decently nice? Would I rather eat lunch by my lonesome by the lake instead of talking to my mom? Would I rather sit on my futon and watch “Grey’s Anatomy” and get emotionally invested in that instead of describing my own emotional rollercoaster to someone else? I think yes, yes I would. I don’t want to put on an act and tell everyone that I “love it here” and “I’m so happy that I made this decision” or that “everything is going exactly as planned and it is all just sunshine and rainbows.” If I knew that someone really wanted to know and understand the trials and tribulations that go into each and every day up here on my own, then maybe, just maybe I would be willing to talk to them, but I know most people just want to hear that I’m happy and enjoying myself. Which I am…but there is OH so much more.
Nonetheless I did enjoy my day on my own, decorating my apartment
Being sick sucks. Being alone when you’re sick: even worse :( All I want right now is someone to hug me tight and assure me that things are going to be okay. Let me know that they care and love me and want what’s best for me. But I don’t know people here…the people I do know are busy with opening night of a dance performance, which I should be involved in but since I’m sick I was cut…so there’s that too. It just seems like so much has been piling up and I can’t seem to get control. I still haven’t met people. I still haven’t found control over my poor eating choices. I still haven’t started feeling like I belong yet and being sick stacked on top of this all makes life really difficult. I don’t know where I stand with anything and I’m just so confused.
I went to urgent care today and surprise surprise they found nothing seriously wrong, story. of. my. life. Most people would be happy with that but for me I just want the answers, to know why I feel like crap and have felt this way for 5 days now. I want there to be a damn good reason why I needed to be cut from the show. But nope! There isn’t one. There never is. They can never find anything and it just complicates things even more. I’m mad, upset, nauseous, sad, lonely….add that all together and you’ve got a messed up girl.
I have struggled with food and weight for many years now. I know that. You know that. My closest peers know that. Now that I am on my own it is becoming a clear obstacle once again and not in the way that I wish it to. I have a lot of time to myself up here in Duluth and what do I spend it doing? Usually eating. Biggest problem being: I am surrounded by a bunch of teeny tiny girls and young women who I strive to look like and dance like. I know what I want to do with myself and how I can accomplish such things yet I still continue to eat when I’m not hungry and gorge myself in chocolate at the end of the night. I know that that’s not what I want to be doing but I do it anyway and it’s becoming a serious problem yet again…
Living on your own is very different than living at home with your parents. I mean there are the obvious things: it is more lonely, no one is telling you what to do and when to do it, and your mom/dad isn’t there for you to run to when the going gets tough. But there are so many other weird things I am finding to be difficult:
You have to create your own spice collection
You have to vacuum the floors
You have to buy draino when there is hair in the bathroom drains from the previous tenants
You have to find the motivation to wash the dishes at night
You have to find the money to buy groceries, and ‘apartmenty’ things, and pay for wi-fi and rent and electricity
You have to meet new people and get used to different noises in your builidng
It is soo much easier to get caught up watching Netflix instead of getting anything done
You realize how much your parents and your mentors and your peers and your neighbors mean to you when all of a sudden it is all just not right in front of you anymore
Living on my own is great, don’t get me wrong. I love the freedom and capability to decide when I’m doing and what I’m eating and my own routine completely. But it’s hard, there’s no denying it. It’s lonely and every now and then it sucks. I would love to get letters and packages from people, but I don’t know who cares enough to send me anything…it would make me feel like I hadn’t lost home though, that’s for sure.