Tag Archives: emotions

A Different Kind of Lonely

Being alone leads to feeling lonely. Feeling lonely leads to becoming emotional. [For me] becoming emotional leads to stress eating. Stress eating leads to me feeling bad about my body. Feeling bad about my body makes me embarrassed to present myself to people I wish to ‘impress.’ Being embarrassed to present myself to others leads me to being alone. Being alone leads to _________

I think you get the gist. The cycle always comes full circle…

I’ve been feeling a bit lonely of recent. But the strange thing is that I haven’t wanted to interact with people to avoid being alone. So does this make me hypocritical and lack self determination to make myself feel better? I don’t want to talk to people on the phone. I don’t want to hang out with the people who seem to want to hang out with me (tinder ‘friendships’ so I’m not sure how to make this work out…more on those another time :/ ), I don’t want to skype friends from home, I don’t want to reply to people’s texts. And I don’t really know why. I’ve been enjoying the time that I have spent on my own, but I have not enjoyed feeling lonely and depressed.

I think that I would LOVE to have a movie night with an attractive and sweet guy who lives near by…but then I think about it more and would I really rather just stay home and bake? I think that I want to talk to old friends…but then I think about it and would I really rather explore outside on my own while the weather is still decently nice? Would I rather eat lunch by my lonesome by the lake instead of talking to my mom? Would I rather sit on my futon and watch “Grey’s Anatomy” and get emotionally invested in that instead of describing my own emotional rollercoaster to someone else? I think yes, yes I would. I don’t want to put on an act and tell everyone that I “love it here” and “I’m so happy that I made this decision” or that “everything is going exactly as planned and it is all just sunshine and rainbows.” If I knew that someone really wanted to know and understand the trials and tribulations that go into each and every day up here on my own, then maybe, just maybe I would be willing to talk to them, but I know most people just want to hear that I’m happy and enjoying myself. Which I am…but there is OH so much more.

Nonetheless I did enjoy my day on my own, decorating my apartmentFullSizeRender

exploring along the Superior Hiking Trail

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and watching my favorite tv shows:

Slipping Once Again

Why am I so depressed recently? What has me feeling this way? Is it the weather? Do I have SAD? I am so confused. I feel lost and alone. I feel worthless and hopeless. I was doing so well for a while and now I just am in a rut. I feel as though it is obvious yet no one seems to really care. I don’t know what is causing this and I have no idea how to explain it to anyone. I wish I could though because I feel that I need to let everything out. Whatever everything is…I hate feeling like this and I wish I could just “be happy” just like that. But depression doesn’t work that way. You first have to identify the triggers/problems and work from the ground up. But I don’t know what those are. I don’t know why I am crying right now. I don’t know why I am so out of it. I don’t know what causes the crazy thoughts and ideas to pop into my head while driving or sitting in my room. Isn’t this supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year? Then why do I feel so crappy and confused?

“I can feel myself slipping back into the habits of last winter. Sleeping too much and caring too little.”

Now What?

“Can I ask you a question…?”
“Do you have a minute to talk?”

These questions cause me so much stress and anxiety. Instantly you think about everything that the individual could possibly be bringing up…What have you done wrong recently? What could have made them upset? What do they know that you don’t know they know? Mind racing. Heart beating. And you just have to wait. You have to wait until they begin to speak again. Once they compile the words inside their head the truth comes out. You find out pretty quickly what’s going on. Sometimes it’s good. Sometimes it’s bad. Sometimes it is scary as can be. But most of the time you just have to take it and let it sink in. Think about what the person is saying and react in a healthy way. And that is what I am trying to do at this moment. React to this sort of non critical confrontation in a healthy and stabilizing way.

But how can I? When all of a sudden certain people in my life know more about me than I want them to. When these adults are concerned about my well being. Do I continue to just act as though everything is okay? Everything will be okay though in the end though because if it’s not okay then it is not the end. Right? So how am I supposed to do this? I feel loved and cared for by these 3 individuals, and they are so influential in my life…but they didn’t need to know this side of me did they? They didn’t have to come across my blog and read about everything that I deal with. They didn’t have to talk to me. But they did and now I am scared out of my mind. I don’t really know what the next steps are. Will my parents get involved? Will I go back to therapy? Will I have to try and tell my story to some other random individual who will supposedly help me feel at peace with myself? Will I start medication? Will this help or will it just plunge me into a dark period again? I was doing alright. Truthfully. Compare me to last year at this time. I am much better. But now all of the feelings and emotions of the journey this past spring are returning. They are overflowing my brain and it is scary…

The Dreaded Style of Stripes

You know that moment when you are shopping with someone and they continue to pick out clothes for you to try on and you continue to say no? Eventually it comes to the point where you start to feel bad (at least I do), and feel that soon you should agree to try on the article of clothing even if you really are not a fan.

This afternoon my mom, sister and I were at the mall. This exact thing happened and I was guilted into trying on the worst selection in the store. It wasn’t ugly, in fact I really liked it, but I knew that the moment I put it on I would hate myself. And that I did indeed. It happened to be one of those body tight dresses…with STRIPES. If I was someone else this may not have bothered me, I may not have thought twice about trying it on. But it is me. And it affected me. I know that stripes do not flatter my figure and make me feel awful about myself. I know that there are much better things (black in particular) that make me feel at least a little more comfortable in my body. But of course the stripes are what I agreed to. The stripes were what my mom said “Oh, but it will look so cute! Don’t you think so?” The stripes were what I had to put on and look at myself in. I saw everything. I hated everything. The stripes extenuated exactly what I despise about my body. My hips. My stomach. Every little inch of fat could be seen. Every curve. Ever insecurity.

I know that if I had been alone in the dressing room (without my family waiting outside the door) I would have stared at myself for much, much longer. But since they were out there I knew that I couldn’t. I couldn’t take the time to pick apart every problem, but I surely saw plenty. I could have cried, but I refrained. I could have taken a picture to look at and remind myself of these emotions and thoughts, but thank goodness that I did not. This dress reminded me how much I hate my body. It reminded me how upsetting it is to see pictures from a few years ago and see how much skinnier and in shape I was. It was an awful reminder of the fact that when I went to the doctor on Thursday I weighed in at more than I have ever weighed before. It reminded me that I am fat. I feel awful about myself and this dress sure as hell dropped those feelings even more than before. I hate myself and I hate my body. I hate stripes. I hate that dress. I hate that I said “yes”.

Making Progress

“Dance is an hourly and daily discipline, but it is also a lifelong happiness.”

Getting back into dance after a break of almost 7 months is one of the hardest things ever, yet the easiest at the same time. Each and every class I participate in I am reminded of my passion and joy of movement yet still strive towards perfection. I realize that, yes, I am meant to dance. I am meant to be onstage under the lights. I am meant to express my love through my dancing and ignite a light in those watching. I am meant to transfer my joy through my movement to the little girls that I teach from week to week. I am meant to dance!

This isn’t to say that I am not struggling. I hurt physically, mentally and emotionally on a daily basis while easing back into things. There is pain, sweat, tears…but still I smile and just push to work my hardest day in and day out. I am striving each and every day to hear my instructors express their happiness in how far I have come but more than anything I am waiting for the day that I leave class and feel that I have made it back to where I started. I can not wait for that day to come! I know that I will have to wait and push on but when that realization comes I will be so ecstatic. It will be practically life changing.

Being injured changed a lot of my plans for my future. Did I ever expect to be sitting in my own room right now? Never. Did I think I would be working during my first year out of high school? Never. Did I think that I would be given the opportunity to teach little girls at this stage in my life? Never. But with each change comes the positives and the negatives. I am learning and growing as an individual day by day. My dancing is getting stronger and hopefully my attitude is as well. I hope that when the time for auditions rolls around I will be in a great place both emotionally and physically. I want to prove to myself that I have made it!

The Struggle

In one of my older posts I discussed how much I love my job and my coworkers and am usually my happiest when I am with them. This is why today was a really weird day. I went into work at noon with a positive outlook on the day because I knew I would be working with my two favorite and closest coworkers and I haven’t worked in a week so hopefully it would boost my happiness. Instead though I was silent and feeling down and out of it all afternoon. They continually asked me if I was okay and what was wrong. I sadly didn’t have an answer because I have absolutely no idea what hit me. It could have been the fact that I went to bed and woke up with my mom mad at me. Or it could be because everyone is heading off to college now and I am stuck at home doing the same old same old. Or maybe because I am struggling with friends. Or maybe because I have to spend the entire weekend with my family with no escape if things go awry. Or because I am struggling with my body image and I feel fat and out of shape.
The problem though is I have no idea if it’s any of these things, a combination of all of them or maybe something completely different. Today my depression hit me in the face and was unexplainable as usual. It wasn’t that I don’t like working. It wasn’t cause I was bored. It wasn’t merely because I was tired.
I hate feeling like this and I really hate not being able to tell anyone else what is going on. I can’t explain what I am feeling to anyone because I can’t even explain it to myself. I feel bad for leaving them just as confused as I was with it all but I honestly have nothing else to say about it, especially not aloud. I wish that this empty feeling would go away and I could start feeling happy (truly happy) again, but I don’t think it is that easy anymore. I am stuck in a downward motion and will have to find the strength to climb out of it and be on top of and in control of my life again. Hopefully someday soon.

Mixed Emotions

So here we are: approaching the end of senior year, prom is this coming weekend, grad parties start in full swing right around the corner and before we know it summer will be here and the final days with some of these people will be hitting us all. Everyone has hit that point where they are officially done with school. The weather is nice (finally!) and no one has the motivation to work hard. Most teachers have even given up at this point by providing us movies to watch and free days a few times a week. The end of my senior year is nothing like I would have ever imagined, but recently a few good things have happened as well as a few not so good, but they will all become memories soon.

The other night after attending the dance performance that I was so excited for I listened to all of the people around me making plans to go for ice cream or go hang out with other friends and I was just kind of in the background. Then one of my friends came up to me and asked me to hang out. This was a huge shocker to me because this was the first time in probably about a month that anyone has asked me to do something with them. I tend to hear about social events after they have occurred instead of being involved with them so of course I jumped on this opportunity to spend time with a friend. We ended up “just” talking in her car for a few hours in the community college parking lot, but it was quite honestly one of the best nights I have had in such a long time. She cared, she listened and she wanted to know what was going on in my life. I have never actually told anyone some of the stuff that I told her but it felt amazing to get it off my chest. I haven’t actually talked to anyone about what’s been going on for at least a month if not longer at this point so it was a night to remember. She is a friend who I haven’t been close to long, we’ve been through some rough times in the past, but she cared. She talked about what she’s been dealing with as well so I got to play the role as ‘listener’ just like I tend to enjoy, but for the first time in a long time I finally talked and opened up to someone who I knew wouldn’t be judging me. It was great and completely unexpected.

So as I previously mentioned prom is this Saturday. For me prom brings mixed emotions and opinions in and of itself. I have never been much of a school dance person (I have actually never been to a high school dance) so not attending prom isn’t that big of a deal for me, it’s just the fact that I feel unwanted that strikes me. I told myself a while back that I would only attend prom if I got asked, and since I figured I wouldn’t get asked I had convinced myself that I would not be going. A ton of people have asked me time and time again why I don’t just go alone cause ‘plenty of people do it’ but I just don’t see it as being fun. A group of my friends are going dateless and it’s not that I have anything against it necessarily but I do not see the fun in spending all of that money to hang out with friends in a large social setting when you could do the same thing not at prom as well. Also while talking with one of my guy friends the other day he described the fact that the girls who go alone end up dancing with each other ‘fucked up’ and I would rather not be associated with this crowd. Instead I would rather be seen as having no social life I guess and being an unwanted individual at my high school. This hits me hard cause I wish that there were someone who would want to go with me, but I have backed away from my previous life and therefore my previous friends and I just have to hope that everyone who goes enjoys themselves and it will be a night for them to remember.

Yesterday I texted the guy whom I have been struggling with in terms of seeing a friendship anymore, but our conversation solidified the fact that yes, we are friends again. Right off the bat he was asking about my life and I was asking about his. We were having the same friendly conversations that we had been having just under a year ago, and it felt amazing. He cared about me again and we sort of were able to finally put the past behind us. I know that I screwed up what we had had and I know that I have apologized time and time again and finally I think that he has accepted that and we have moved on. It is such a great feeling and truthfully yesterday he made me happy, truly happy, for the first time in ages. It was wonderful!

The end of senior year has come with its ups and downs but finally some of the good things have impacted me in a healthy way. I would not say that I am anywhere near a better place in terms of my mental state but at least every now and then good things can occur and a light can be added to my situation. I am still really missing all of the friends that I have lost recently and am really struggling in terms of parental communication, but every now and then good things do occur and hopefully those feelings can last for at least a short bit of time. I am still waiting for the day that I can call my old friends up and talk with them about things again, but for now I will just cherish the good times when they do come. If someone wanted to text me first for once I mean that would kind of make my night but when I know that that doesn’t happen I know to push the hope aside and just move on. I hope that this summer brings me some opportunities to hang out with friends and feel wanted again but I guess we will just have to wait and see…

“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, LIFE DOES GO ON, and it will be BETTER TOMORROW…”

I am StrongTilTheEnd and you are too <3

I don’t really know what this post is truly about, but I guess it’s just a recap on some of the things happening in my life, pretty random but life happens!