The text has been sent. The facebook message has been received. The voicemail has been left. The snapchat has been opened. Whatever means of technology has been used in this day and age, there is always a response which is expected…and then the reality that actually comes.
I’m one of those girls who constantly imagines the way a certain conversation will go…what they will say, what I will say, everything down to the last little smirk left on his face. No matter how many times I guess what his response will be or what phrase he will say, and no matter how many times I am wrong and get a little crushed by it, I can’t stop. I want our conversations to go a certain way only because I want our relationship to go a certain way. I know it’s not going to happen, at least any time soon, but I can’t stop and then it leads to nights like tonight. Where I’m alone, watching Netflix, wanting to cry. It’s pathetic really, but all I wanted him to say was “of course I’ll come over, just give me a second to figure out how to get there. You’re sick and I’d love to spend the night with you” But of course that isn’t the response I get. Instead I’m here all alone in this house cause the family left for the evening and I’ve been sick and I’m cooped up crying over something that I can’t change…
“We all want what we ain’t got,
Our favorite doors are always locked.
On a higher hill with a taller top,
We all want what we ain’t got…” –Jake Owen
Why is it that when I finally fall for a guy he’s ways off limits for one reason or another? Either he has a girlfriend, he’s out of my league, he would never want me or he’s just plain off limits. Always I feel this is the case. But now it’s getting out of hand… I’m falling and I know that it’s bad. I can’t fall for him. But I dreamt about us being together once, and now it’s on the front of my mind constantly.
It all started when this girl asked me if he and I were dating. I blushed and instantly said “No hahahah [insert awkward laughing]…” It was just an awkward situation with an awkward question from an awkward girl. How else was I supposed to respond??? And that was that…or so I thought. Then I had a dream that we were dating and cute-sy and he made me smile and laugh (which he already does, just saying!) and I was so genuinely happy that the next time I saw him (like in real life) that’s all I could think about: how happy he made me and the way I felt in my dream when I was with him.
But he is OFF LIMITS. and I know that. Does he have a girlfriend? No. So whyy, you may ask? He looks out for me like it’s his job. sweet?Yes! He tells me jokes to make me smile. kind?Yes! He walks me to my car at the end of the night. gentlemanly?Yes! … But he is my teacher (technically)…, and he is quite a bit older, he’s my mentor…a guardian almost. So I can’t have him. And i know that. But I can’t stop thinking about him in that way and he comes in my dreams [and I NEVER remember my dreams, mind you, but when he’s in them I do] and he makes me happy and protects me and wants whats best and I know he will always be there if I call or voice that I need help or someone to talk or just need someone by my side. That sounds like a pretty great boyfriend to me! I wish… :(
Happy post!! Happy post!! I am super excited to come back to all of you with happy news instead of depressed news. I have been having a pretty solid week! After going home last weekend, I expected this weekend to be a drag, but it wasn’t and I am so pleased that I took the chance to feel accepted and loved by those that I’ve been striving for it from the most :)
Soo…rewind: Last weekend was my first time home in 7 weeks, and it couldn’t have been better! I got to see my dad, and friends and old coworkers and my previous dance teachers and life was just flippin’ fantastic! So as I drove home Monday night (I didn’t get home til 10:40pm…So I mean that kinda was rough) I had time to ponder what this weekend would consist of. What did I come up with?: Netlix. Food. Loneliness.
That’s about it. Because let’s be real what else do I do with my time especially when I have a lot of it? I knew it was Halloween weekend which would mean that I would see an influx of posts about parties and people dressed up and being drunk and having a good time. And I would probably take these in from the comfort of my couch and look on longingly wishing that I had people to spend my nights with.
But plans can change and within a couple of hours none of the above could be true! And it wasn’t :) I was invited very last minute to the dance company’s Halloween party, and at first I wasn’t going to go. I’m awkward in social situations and I don’t want to ruin any good things that I possibly have going. Buuut then again I want to be “in” with these people and maybe this could be beneficial. The problem is that I’m not really in the company, but I’m also not really in the school. So I’m still struggling to find my place within the ballet and the people in it. Eventually though I decided to go, and I am SO happy that I did :) I enjoyed myself for the first time in a long time and I do feel that I got closer with the people that I really do spend a lot of time with. I wasn’t stupid, but I also didn’t hold back. After a short time I wasn’t completely socially awkward and for that I am proud!
Then to top off the night I was walked to my car very sweetly ending with a good night hug from the guy who’s been looking out for me since day 1. He could have stayed and just partied the night away but he took the time to make sure that I made it to my car safely and I was alright to drive myself home. It is amazing the little actions that can make you feel accepted and loved by those around you <3
Last minute changes are usually scary. All of a sudden you have to remember new choreography for your show in 2 hours, or the parents you were going to babysit for want you there early so you have to hope to be able to rearrange your schedule for the afternoon. Those things can really suck, but when everything works out you can look back and be much happier with how things went.
Last minute life changes though? Those you can’t be 100% sure when you’ll be able to look back and see whether or not it was for the better or the worse. It’s scary. It’s unsettling. It is a totally unknown territory that you weren’t expecting to explore for 6 months…or a year…but you’re really just hoping that in the end it will work out for your benefit and you’ll be happy, because ultimately that’s all that matters: One’s happiness.
And that’s what I am striving for: Finding my happiness in this crazy roller coaster of a life. I am leaving a lot behind to go live on my own in Duluth and just dance opposed to my previous plan to go to school at the U of Iowa. I am leaving the stability of a school schedule, the closeness of everyone in a dorm, and the boy that I was really starting to fall for. I am leaving a meal plan, the knowledge of the budget and so much more. But hopefully I am gaining even more than I am leaving behind. I move into my one bedroom apartment on Monday and to say that I am scared out of my mind would be an understatement. The last time I wrote was 2 weeks before I was going to move South into a college dorm room with a roommate, now here I am 4 weeks later having completely changed my plans of action for this year, getting ready to head North to live on my own in a new city where I know literally 2 people. I hope it’s for the better, but I know for SURE that in 5 years I can’t look back and think to myself: “What if I would have made the decision to go chase my dreams?” Wish me luck!!
He makes me happy.
That’s the most I want in a guy.
He calls me darling, dear, sweetie and sunshine.
That makes me feel all warm on the inside.
He remembers the little details.
That makes me feel appreciated.
That makes me fall for him.
He’s good with kids.
That makes me smile from ear to ear.
He’s really sweet and tells me I’m perfect.
That makes me fall even deeper for him.
And then I sit here and realize:
We’ve only talked for a total of an hour tops.
We have only known each other for a little over a month.
We have had purely texting communication since mid-July.
We may not see each other in the same way once we are at college.
So what am I supposed to do? Do I continue to let him make me happy and feel good about myself? Or if I do that does that mean I’m leading him on.? Do I look forward to and plan for a possible future this fall at college with him? Or is that leading myself towards disappointment? There has never been a guy this interested in me, who wants to know how I’m doing each day and sends me cute good morning and goodnight texts and who calls me cute names and texts me first and makes me feel so good about myself. I can’t not enjoy his “company” right now but what if I don’t enjoy his actual company in Iowa? Then what am I supposed to do? Do I like the idea of him more than I like him? If so, that is in no way fair to him and I know it. Hellllp!
It has been forever since I have posted something original (in other words not just reblogged someone else’s words). It isn’t so much that nothing has been happening but nothing very exciting that’s for sure. This dance season is slowly coming to an end and I couldn’t be more excited to be done! I can’t wait to begin my summer classes and be free from the current stress and frustration I feel revolving dance at this moment in time. My little dancers had their performance last Saturday and it was a success! It was so sad saying goodbye though, but lucky for me I have offered up my babysitting services and I couldn’t be happier with the number of responses I received for such offers! Last Thursday evening I spent 3 hours talking with my two mentors at their house around “grape juice” and a cackling fire and it was one of the best nights in a long time. I almost didn’t go because I didn’t want it to be awkward and I didn’t know how to put my circling thoughts into words but they called me prior to the time I had set up to come over and convinced me that they wanted to see me and could tell that I could use some time with them as well. They couldn’t have been more right! I am so very happy that I saw them and talked to them and am so blessed to have them in my life. I may not be able to say everything to them but the things I can say do truly help me in the end. I guess that’s all for now. Just sort of a jumble of thoughts and concepts. Work is a drag but it pays the bills. Family life is rough but I’m almost out. The eating disorder situation is up in the air. The therapy has been at a standstill for almost 4 months. The depression is up and down. My allergies are back (I think…or else my immune system is just straight up crap which wouldn’t be a lie either…). Anywho, goodnight, sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite ;)
‘At a wooden desk just like the 24 others in the 2nd grade classroom sits the new girl, her hair in make-shift pig tails and clothes that almost but don’t quite match. The nametag on her desk reads ‘Sally’ and that’s all the other girls and boys know about her. They don’t know if she has brothers or sisters, what her favorite color is or if she is a good speller like Kathy who is in the seat next to her. They don’t know her story and judging by her quiet nature they may never know. The teacher on the other hand knows that Sally lives with only her dad in an apartment down the road. Her mom passed away from cancer just a few months ago so her dad is having to face raising Sally on his own. He will do the best that he can as his daughter grows older to help her find a strong mother figure in her life and he will work his hardest to be there for her when she needs someone. He knows that he won’t be perfect but he will strive to be the best that he can be.’
Most people grow up knowing someone like Sally, someone who has had to grow up without their mother in their life due to a tragedy of some sort. These girls are the ones that younger women sympathize for. They know how much their mothers helped them grow up to be the strong women they are and they can’t imagine not having someone to gossip about their crush to, teach them how to put on make-up and just be there for the things that their dad’s couldn’t seem to handle. But what happens when you have a mom in your life and she didn’t seem to help you with the things most moms were there for their daughter’s for? Can you sit there feeling sorry for yourself? Probably not because you did know at least one girl who grew up without their mom there at all.
So what can you do when your mom didn’t help you through things such as teaching you how to shape your own eyebrows, the importance of washing your face every night, and how to apply make up? You end up showing up to school looking like a freak…right? You have weird, uneven eyebrows, acne and strange eyeliner going all the wrong directions. Now what? Is your mom there to comfort you and help you? Nope. Is she there to listen to you tell your sob stories? She might be, but at this point you have stopped wanting her help. She couldn’t help you feel good about your outer appearance how is she supposed to help comfort your heart and hear out your feelings?
I realize that not all grown women care drastically about their outer appearance. Maybe they don’t wear make up, color their hair and buy designer clothes. And don’t get me wrong, I am fine with that. Some people grow up appreciating the more natural looks and ways to care for yourself which is just fine. But there comes a part in every girl’s life where they need their mom to help them feel and look their best so they can be confident going into school, going to the basketball game or on their first date. I can guarantee that at one point in time my mom cared too, so why wasn’t she there when I cared? I still care, but luckily I have tried my hardest to figure things out on my own. There were a lot of lifestyle choices throughout middle school and high school especially that I really wish I would have had someone there to help me figure out which would have helped me now. But the past is the past and now I have to play catch up on such things. Yet, I still can’t feel sorry for myself…right? Because I did grow up with my mom around all the time, but for some reason she didn’t step up towards the actions to help me feel like a confident young woman even though she was here to do so.