Tag Archives: thoughts

It’s Been a Year

It’s been a year since I threw my life out the window.

It’s been a year since I let my emotions take control of me for the first time.

It’s been a year since I realized how messed up I truly was.

It’s been a year since I ruined the friendship that meant so much to me.

It’s been a year since I drove myself insane in a matter of a few hours trying to hold onto what I already messed up.

It’s been a year since I let one incident lead me to a life of confusion and chaos.

It’s been a year since I lost one of my closest friends.

It’s been a year since I was the stupidest person I can ever imagine myself to become.

It’s been a year and I still regret every last thing I did, said and felt.

I was flat out being an idiot to throw away something that was so beneficial in my life. I let depression take control of me that night and released it to the one person who was there to listen. I let my emotions out in the open and let them drive me to a state of denial, confusion and overwhelming control. There was no way that I could spend today purely rejoicing in the birth of Jesus Christ or the time surrounded by family. The events of a year ago were in the back of my brain the entire time. And then for my dad to have the nerve to “diagnose” me with Seasonal Affective Disorder at the dinner table threw me over the edge once again. My parents may not know what a depressed individual they have for a daughter but they surely have raised one who is good at faking, sneaking and lying to pretend that she’s happy around them…
I don’t have the nerve that I did last spring but today I found other means to punish myself. I know that tomorrow I will awake feeling absolutely awful about my body and feel sore from the foods I ate today but that was my way of punishing myself for my actions from a year ago. I wish it were a merrier Christmas this year but things happen and life must go on.

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I Let Food Control My Night

Today was supposed to be a good day. And it started off as such. But so quickly turned bad. It went a little like this:

I got to sleep in for the first time in what feels like ages

I ate a wonderful and filling breakfast

I worked on some scholarship essays

I ate a wonderful lunch

I ran to my favorite store (TARGET!!) for a few things

I got to go play with my favorite neighbors for a little while (best moment of the day!)

I got all dolled up to go to dinner at my director’s house with the other MBT cast members

I felt pretty while making the snowy drive out to her house

I took off my coat once I got there and instantly started comparing myself to others

I tried to adjust my tights to cover my obnoxiously large stomach bulge

I tried to change the orientation of my belt to not accentuate my hips

I felt uncomfortable

I felt fat

I felt like I took up too much space

I covered my stomach with my arms

We got food

I barely took any

I ate the food (which was delicious) but felt bad while doing so

I barely conversed with anyone

I felt awkward

I felt like the one person who didn’t have a friend sitting around the table

I felt strange with the group of people that I spend so much time with

It was time for dessert and I was debating on whether or not to say “no thank you”

I accepted as the nice thing to do

I ate slowly and left some on my plate

I felt even larger than before

Back into the cars we all went

Drove to the choir concert

Enjoyed the concert with my coat on, covering my stomach, felt a little better

Finished the concert still feeling overweight and huge

Drove home on the snow covered roads

Finished my essays

Sitting here with my stomach growling but knowing that I should not eat any more food.

I am tired of feeling this way but I am also sick and tired of being fat and uncomfortable in my skin. I wish that I could have enjoyed my time with those people instead of purely focusing on my weight and how I looked in the clothes I was wearing. I missed out on a wonderful and enjoyable time and instead sat there feeling sorry for myself. Maybe next time…

Slipping Once Again

Why am I so depressed recently? What has me feeling this way? Is it the weather? Do I have SAD? I am so confused. I feel lost and alone. I feel worthless and hopeless. I was doing so well for a while and now I just am in a rut. I feel as though it is obvious yet no one seems to really care. I don’t know what is causing this and I have no idea how to explain it to anyone. I wish I could though because I feel that I need to let everything out. Whatever everything is…I hate feeling like this and I wish I could just “be happy” just like that. But depression doesn’t work that way. You first have to identify the triggers/problems and work from the ground up. But I don’t know what those are. I don’t know why I am crying right now. I don’t know why I am so out of it. I don’t know what causes the crazy thoughts and ideas to pop into my head while driving or sitting in my room. Isn’t this supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year? Then why do I feel so crappy and confused?

“I can feel myself slipping back into the habits of last winter. Sleeping too much and caring too little.”

Questioning Life

For my birthday this year my parents gave me 2 tickets to go see Hunter Hayes in concert in Minneapolis! To say that the concert was amazing would be an understatement!! I had such a wonderful day Wednesday with my mom in the cities and seeing the concert and I am so happy that I finally had an overall good day all around. Getting home at 1am Thursday and knowing that I would have to wake up around 6am I knew that today just wasn’t going to be a good day. I ate a whole ton of food while with my mom which I completely regretted today. I ate too much. I didn’t stop myself when I was full. I continually got more food when there was absolutely no need for it. I am ashamed to say the least. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin on a regular basis but then stuff me with food and I feel like I am in a whole different world compared to everyone else. I feel isolated as though it is obvious that I am fat now. I continued to see my body in mirrors to make matters worse as I was trying on clothes in various stores. But the plus? I at least did not let this ruin my present and my night with my mom. Today though I woke up feeling sore and just taking up too much space. Luckily I got to spend the morning with my favorite little girl who was full of smiles and laughter. She can bring a smile to my face through anything:) I also reconnected with a friend who I had drifted away from over the past few months which was really nice. We both agreed that we missed each other greatly and now I can’t wait to see her and catch up soon.

But I knew it wasn’t going to be a good day and after leaving my neighbor’s house it really wasn’t. At dance I was once again surrounded by mirrors to point out to me and everyone around me how much I had eaten yesterday. My leotard fit weird. My stomach looked huge. I was just uncomfortable. And then to have my re-injured right ankle to still be bothering me from Tuesday’s incident was a mood killer in and of itself. I once again found myself sitting out of combinations which I had just started gaining ground on a couple weeks ago. I had finally started to recover from my previous injury and now another set back. Is this a sign? Am I not meant to dance? Is this God’s way of telling me and I am just not taking the hint? It sucks and I’m confused and I don’t know what to do. I thankfully have a physical therapy appointment tomorrow to see if this is anything to be worried about but being in the same position as I was in a few months ago was a huge blow to my self esteem. It just instantly hit me hard and I was really depressed. Throughout class I wasn’t mentally there and once I had to sit out of combinations once again I really took it hard. I thought I would start crying in the middle of class and have to excuse myself from the room. Luckily that didn’t happen but it was still hard to watch and know that I should be able to join in…but I physically could not.

Today was not the best day but that doesn’t mean that tomorrow has to be bad too. Maybe it will be. And if it is maybe Saturday will be a good day. There have to be good days to offset the bad every now and then…right? It’s just so hard when you don’t really know all the time what is causing you to feel the way you do. People ask. You don’t have answers. That’s just how it goes. But how can I get better if I can’t find the answers? I have been referred to an old friend of mine’s mom to contact and look into doing therapy again but I am still unsure if it is truly worth it. Last time therapy was a total flop. Therapy just isn’t how I work. I don’t open up to people in person. Even when I know that an individual truly cares and wants to know the truth I still find myself guarding my heart and lying to make myself sound better off than I am. That’s just how I do things. “Are you okay?” “Yea, I’m fine.” is so much easier than “Are you okay?” “Actually if you want to know the truth I am really depressed and confused. I feel alone. Do I really have good friends? I have friends but are any of them truly going to be there for me through thick and thin? I feel horrible about my body and today I caught myself thinking: ‘I wish I had an eating disorder.’ Who the hell thinks those thoughts? Those are awful awful things to come into my head yet I still feel them. I still don’t understand. I know the hardships I am faced with are so much better than others so why am I so depressed? No, I am not okay…” When people ask you something of the sort most of the time they don’t really care. They just ask to be polite. So I choose to not respond with the truth but take the easy way out instead.

I really have no idea what this post is about but if anyone stumbles across it and makes it to the end thanks for hearing me out tonight

Going Crazy

I just feel like now I have to have my life figured out. I feel that I have to be able to answer all of the questions. I now have to pin point what sets me off and what makes me feel depressed. I have to try and put it all into words. But what if I can’t? What if I actually can’t? I don’t know all of the answers…or any of them for that matter. I don’t know how to explain what happens to me at home or in my brain or when I’m alone. I don’t know what is wrong. I don’t know what sends my thoughts to the darker places instead of the upbeat. I don’t know and I don’t know how to explain this to people. All of a sudden there is a whole ton of information out there floating around. I have no idea who all knows or who all is concerned or who all is supposedly going to help me through it. Through what though? What am I getting help to get past? I don’t know!!!!!!!!!

Now What?

“Can I ask you a question…?”
“Do you have a minute to talk?”

These questions cause me so much stress and anxiety. Instantly you think about everything that the individual could possibly be bringing up…What have you done wrong recently? What could have made them upset? What do they know that you don’t know they know? Mind racing. Heart beating. And you just have to wait. You have to wait until they begin to speak again. Once they compile the words inside their head the truth comes out. You find out pretty quickly what’s going on. Sometimes it’s good. Sometimes it’s bad. Sometimes it is scary as can be. But most of the time you just have to take it and let it sink in. Think about what the person is saying and react in a healthy way. And that is what I am trying to do at this moment. React to this sort of non critical confrontation in a healthy and stabilizing way.

But how can I? When all of a sudden certain people in my life know more about me than I want them to. When these adults are concerned about my well being. Do I continue to just act as though everything is okay? Everything will be okay though in the end though because if it’s not okay then it is not the end. Right? So how am I supposed to do this? I feel loved and cared for by these 3 individuals, and they are so influential in my life…but they didn’t need to know this side of me did they? They didn’t have to come across my blog and read about everything that I deal with. They didn’t have to talk to me. But they did and now I am scared out of my mind. I don’t really know what the next steps are. Will my parents get involved? Will I go back to therapy? Will I have to try and tell my story to some other random individual who will supposedly help me feel at peace with myself? Will I start medication? Will this help or will it just plunge me into a dark period again? I was doing alright. Truthfully. Compare me to last year at this time. I am much better. But now all of the feelings and emotions of the journey this past spring are returning. They are overflowing my brain and it is scary…

Let It All Go?

“If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn’t ask me, I’d still have to say it.”

If there are actually people out there who believe this then why do I catch myself constantly focusing on the things that worry me, stress me out and make me aggravated? I focus on the ruined relationships in my life. I focus far too much time on the future and college and scholarships and auditions and life. But isn’t this the stuff that I should be focused on? Shouldn’t I spend time thinking about the options I have and the way I want to act later on in life? But they cause me an insane amount of stress and anxiety. How do I let go and live again? How do I balance a good amount of thinking and analyzing with a bearable amount of pressure and worry? Where can I find these answers? Do I first have to somehow not think about any of this at all so that I can then find a happy medium? Because when I try to do this I instead focus on my past and how much I miss in my life now. I realize how many people I don’t like living without. I think about the experiences that I have had and how I wish to relive them. But what good is this doing me? Am I learning anything from it?…No. Am I moving on from any of this?…Clearly not. So what should I focus my thoughts on? The past makes me sad. The future makes me scared. And the present….well, it is a daily struggle of figuring out if any of this is worth it. Was it worth it to stay in town? Was it worth it to pursue my dance dream? Will I get strong again? Will I feel good again? Will I be truly happy again? What is the balance between worrying and letting everything go? How do I find this balance? Why do I have so many questions…?