Being sick sucks. Being alone when you’re sick: even worse :( All I want right now is someone to hug me tight and assure me that things are going to be okay. Let me know that they care and love me and want what’s best for me. But I don’t know people here…the people I do know are busy with opening night of a dance performance, which I should be involved in but since I’m sick I was cut…so there’s that too. It just seems like so much has been piling up and I can’t seem to get control. I still haven’t met people. I still haven’t found control over my poor eating choices. I still haven’t started feeling like I belong yet and being sick stacked on top of this all makes life really difficult. I don’t know where I stand with anything and I’m just so confused.
I went to urgent care today and surprise surprise they found nothing seriously wrong, story. of. my. life. Most people would be happy with that but for me I just want the answers, to know why I feel like crap and have felt this way for 5 days now. I want there to be a damn good reason why I needed to be cut from the show. But nope! There isn’t one. There never is. They can never find anything and it just complicates things even more. I’m mad, upset, nauseous, sad, lonely….add that all together and you’ve got a messed up girl.
When I woke up yesterday I could have sworn that death hit me in the face Thursday night….so I went back to sleep for 2 more hours. Ever since then instead of focusing on everything that went wrong and how awful I have been feeling I have realized how amazing the past two days have been! I had a good ballet class on Friday aside from feeling like I was about to throw up. I was asleep by 9:30pm and therefore got 11 hours of sleep:) This morning I woke up and taught some adorable little rascals at ballet class and then had the day off of rehearsal for the first time in months! Since getting home I have enjoyed some family time while watching the best show ever (“Friends” of course!!!) as well as painted my nails for the first time in a long while, caught up with some old friends and just simply relaxed. I am looking forward to watching an episode or two of “Grey’s Anatomy” which I am currently getting addicted to and then going to bed early once again. Each day has its ups and downs, but if you focus on the good you may enjoy your life a little more! <3
“How many times can I break til I shatter?” The song ‘Shattered’ is playing as I start writing this post which is pretty much perfect cause it is what I am thinking right now.
Today was all sorts of bad. I’m sick for starters which really doesn’t bring about any good news, especially since I’ve been sick for a week and a half now and I am just ready to be better. Also this bad weather and the stress of the end of the year is really putting a fire under my depression. I feel so much worse than I have in a while with my thoughts going where I was hoping they would never go again. Tonight in the shower I was planning my farewell letter and thinking about ways to leave. Would it really matter to anyone if I were gone? No one seems to care now so why would they care after I made the final decisive move? Who would come to say there last goodbye? Would anyone cry? Would people truly be sad, or did they see it coming anyway and wouldn’t be very surprised? These are my thoughts for the night and I really can not answer any of them.
I think that my life and others’ lives may be better if I were to be gone for good finally. I don’t want to put up with this shit anymore, especially when everyone claims that ‘I am doing better’ when I have never said that to anyone. I just think I’m better at faking it then I was before but I’m tired of faking it and I’m kind of ready to go.
“There’s a girl
Who sits under the bleachers
Just another day eating alone
And though she smiles
There is something just hiding
And she cant find a way to relate.
She just goes unnoticed
As the crowd passes by
And she’ll pretend to be busy
When inside she just wants to cry.
Take a little look at the life of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little harder, I really really want you to put yourself in her shoes
Take another look at the face of Miss Always Invisible…”
-Marie Digby. “Miss Invisible” Lyrics.
Tonight as I lied in bed sick I just listened to music for about 2 hours just taking in the lyrics. This song came up on my Pandora station, and I had never heard it before but it really struck me as one I related to. When I was younger I was the chatterbox of the classroom. All of my parent-teacher conferences consisted of my teacher telling my parents: “_ _ _ _ _ _ is never quiet in class. _ _ _ _ _ _ is constantly talking and distracting the students around her from the lesson which we are trying to teach.” This all changed once 6th grade came though. I became the girl in the background. The girl who was scared to talk to her classmates. The girl who’s face turned red as soon as any boy would talk to her. I am that girl to this day; only now I am much much worse than I used to be. These days I barely have friends. These days when I am around people my age I am always outside of the circle of people talking or else am just the silent one listening to what everyone else has to say. I have regressed to the age where I couldn’t talk. Where I wouldn’t talk. My parents use to tell me when I was about 5 or 6 years old: “Man, these days you sure are making up for all those days where you didn’t talk.” Now though, I wonder what they think of me. I wonder if they notice I’m not that little girl they used to know. Have they noticed my disappearance in crowds? Has anyone noticed me becoming “Miss Invisible”?
I am currently sick wish some nasty bug. I am really worried at the moment that my recently obtained job will not want me anymore since I was supposed to start training on Monday night, but was too sick to go in. The plus side to all this: I am under 100 lbs again, my ideal weight. The negative: I want to stay this weight, but know that I have to get better soon. So we’ll see where this takes me. And on another random note: due to my sickness I believe that my brain is not functioning as it usually does. Where I put the notation: _ _ _ _ _ _ I almost wrote my name the first time. Then I had to remind myself: This is an anonymous blog for a reason. Now though I am thinking whether or not I will ever come out with my true identity…