I leave in 2 weeks. HOLY CRAP! I LEAVE IN 2 WEEKS!! Like I can’t even control the emotions that overcome me when I think about it. In 2 weeks I will be at a new school, in a new city, surrounded by new people and sights and sounds…Don’t get me wrong, I am very excited to escape, but it scares the crap out of me. It doesn’t help that my parents started talking to me today about switching around my schedule and rethinking this whole college thing. Granted I brought it up a week ago or so but I figured I would get a semester or a year behind me before I changed my course of action. –I feel like this is completely run on but it’s flowing so I’m going to keep going– I have sort of decided that I want to scratch the whole college only thing and look into auditioning for a company or a more ballet based dance school. Not that Iowa isn’t going to be good, I’m just not entirely sure if it is what I’m looking for and having regrets before you even show up for the first day is a really scary place to be. That’s why I am currently listening to a “rainy day” playlist on Spotify, craving chocolate on chocolate and feeling like I want to cry. That’s normal…right?! Like what is going on with me?? And this guy that I wrote about like a week ago is being really confusing and I don’t know what to do about him anymore. He doesn’t seem to want to talk to me or make me happy or let me make him happy like we did before. He just seems very nonchalant towards me and I don’t know what changed. It stresses me out because he was one of the biggest reasons I was so excited about college. To go in with a guy would be something short of amazing and so not what I’m used to that it would be such a superb change. But now he’s acting weird and I don’t know why. i’ve asked if I did something wrong and he said no. I asked if he was okay and he said yes. But he just isn’t himself…or at least the ‘him’ that I was seemingly getting to know. I don’t know. Maybe it’s for the better so that I don’t feel tied down to someone right off the bat and can have an open eye for people throughout the start of the semester. But at the same time I was really looking forward to spending time with him and having someone to hold and love and to love me back. Is that too much to ask for??? What is going on with my life? I have so much to do and not enough time to do any of it let alone spend time dwelling on the “what if’s”, the “could’ve beens”, and the “should’ve beens”. Anyways now that I have completely confused the crap out of everyone including myself goodbye….
Let’s see. Decisions, decisions, decisions have been made! I have decided on my dance path for the next two months as well as my college decision! I will officially be attending the University of Iowa starting this fall :)
I was going to keep going about the other stuff going on but I want to keep it short, sweet and happy for once! This is my other news post. Prove that yes I can do things that benefit myself and my future. I’m excited for what I have in store over the next couple of years! Ta-ta for now my friends.
Where did everybody get this assumption that I am so incredibly skinny? Is it because I am the shortest in my class? I was always the smallest girl on the playground. I was first in height order lines. I was born 2 1/2 months early. I started out smaller than everyone else. But does this mean that I still have to be skinny? I feel fat. I feel out of shape. Following Thanksgiving I feel even worse about my body than I did just a week ago. Will I disappoint everyone when they find out I am no longer skinny? Will I shatter their expectations? I am no longer the little girl that they pictured in the past. I am not the smallest one. I am no longer what everyone thinks I am. I feel bad about myself and I don’t want others to look at me differently, but I know that I am different from the past.
Expectations suck. There’s no way to hide that fact. I know that I am seen as skinny, smart and strong. But I am NONE of those! It is amazing how people view you even when you think they know you really well. They make their assumptions and stick by them. They tell others about them and pretty soon everyone views you that way. Just because I did well in school doesn’t mean that I am naturally smart or that I enjoyed school. I hated school for that matter. I absolutely dreaded going on a daily basis. And I am not smart. I had to work so hard to get the grades that I did. I am horrible at memorizing dates, facts and rules. I worked long hours each night to get the information into my brain. But now if you asked me a question about Calculus or the Presidents there is only a slight possibility that I will have any remote idea of what you’re talking about. Yet, all the time I would get the question “Why do you love school?” Well, shocker! I don’t. I never did. I am not what everyone thinks and it makes life even harder to live. I am not only upsetting myself but everyone else around me too. And if you think I’m strong just because I try and be helpful to those around me and tell them that they will get through the tough times…there is a light at the end of the tunnel…right? Yea, well I have a hard time believing that for myself. So does this make me a hypocrite? I make other people stronger and see the positives, but I can’t do that for myself. I am one of the weakest people I know in all truth. I cry when people are upset with me. I lack a thick skin. I cry alone. I can’t voice my problems or struggles except through writing. I don’t know what to do with myself sometimes. My thoughts go towards actions I hoped I would never think again. Yet I’m the strong one? I’m able to help myself…huh? I don’t fill the shoes that everyone has built for me. I do not live up to any of the expectations people have. People don’t see me hurting. They don’t see me breaking. They don’t see my sadness. Not because it isn’t present, but instead because they have their shield up to block what they don’t want to see. Life is so hard to live like this…
So you know how everyone tells incoming seniors to not take a single moment for granted, but to live up your final moments with your friends and family? Yea, well that is not how my senior year went. Instead of enjoying the time with my friends, I lost many of them and very rarely saw anyone. My family and I went through hard time after hard time. Fight after fight. My senior year was so different than expected and now is leading me to staying in town at home for another year. This seems like the best decision at times and the absolute worst at others…
We move my sister back into college tomorrow which means that tomorrow begins my time at home with just my parents once again. I survived last year since I went straight from school to dance, I would come home for dinner, head back to dance and then come home straight to my room to do homework into the wee hours of the night. I rarely came in contact with my parents it seemed. On top of this I had rehearsals for dance productions for most of the day on the weekends and if I wasn’t at dance I would be up in my room doing homework. In the fall things were shaky, but they weren’t unbearable. Come winter and spring when I wouldn’t go to dance was when things started getting worse and worse as I was home a lot more. This is what this year will be like since I am not taking any school classes so will be home most of the morning. Thankfully I have a few jobs so can focus my time on that but I am still really nervous for what this year will bring.
I have absolutely NO wishes to relive my senior year. I hated senior year with a passion and now I am pretty much in the same situation again. I once again have to apply to colleges and await the dreaded weeks for acceptance/rejection letters to arrive. I have to plan auditions for the dance programs. I have to fork up tons of money to do all of this, plus attend auditions and plan for my future. I am already stressed and the year hasn’t even begun yet. There are times when I really regret choosing to stay home instead of just heading off to college this fall. This year will be an adventure to say the least, but hopefully with a better ending than the first time around.