Tag Archives: Relationships

Just One of Those Nights

The text has been sent. The facebook message has been received. The voicemail has been left. The snapchat has been opened. Whatever means of technology has been used in this day and age, there is always a response which is expected…and then the reality that actually comes.

I’m one of those girls who constantly imagines the way a certain conversation will go…what they will say, what I will say, everything down to the last little smirk left on his face. No matter how many times I guess what his response will be or what phrase he will say, and no matter how many times I am wrong and get a little crushed by it, I can’t stop. I want our conversations to go a certain way only because I want our relationship to go a certain way. I know it’s not going to happen, at least any time soon, but I can’t stop and then it leads to nights like tonight. Where I’m alone, watching Netflix, wanting to cry. It’s pathetic really, but all I wanted him to say was “of course I’ll come over, just give me a second to figure out how to get there. You’re sick and I’d love to spend the night with you” But of course that isn’t the response I get. Instead I’m here all alone in this house cause the family left for the evening and I’ve been sick and I’m cooped up crying over something that I can’t change…

Parents

Parents are a tricky topic because everyone’s home life situation is vastly different from one another. Some people never get along with their parents. Some people get along most of the time. And some people get along with one parent but not the other (or one set of parents and not the other dependent on your personal circumstances). Parents have control over their children for good reason but some parents really struggle with finding the right time to let go.

My parents particularly seem to struggle with this concept. I am 18. I am an adult. I can make decisions on my own and start to lead my life for myself yet they continue to have to be involved in anything and everything that I do and it drives me up a wall. Staying home this year wasn’t an easy choice and it surely didn’t help any of this power struggle that occurs….it only hurt it and made it easier for them to hold on. I am sick and tired of constantly being yelled at about things that I wish to fight back but don’t have the courage to stand up for myself or explain myself. Tonight I said about 3 words after walking through the door and they were already mad at me about something or other and I’m getting tired of dealing with this. When I move out next fall things are going to change. Things will not be like my sister and their relationship because our relationships now are vastly different. My sister calls once a week and they talk for an hour or two each time. I’m sorry but it’s my life and they don’t need every detail of it. I know that they care deep down about me but when it isn’t evident on the surface then I don’t need to let them into everything. I am blessed that I do have parents that love me when I know so many are not as fortunate but there are still things that other people can’t see happening and I don’t even think that my parents realize are happening which affect me as an individual.

“Being there for someone takes more than just saying the words ‘I’m here if you need me.’ Remember actions speak louder than words.”

Time and time again over the past year the words “I’m here for you when needed” have been uttered from someone else to me or me to someone else. The difference is how you act upon these words. Generally speaking when I say this phrase to someone else I try and check in on them from time to time just to see how things are going. I like to strike up a conversation to get them talking and happy and then see how they’re doing. Sometimes this conversation ends short and other times it keeps going because they realize that I truly do care about them and want to know how things are going in their life. The problem that I’m realizing though is that most people who say it don’t mean it. They say it out of habit. They don’t care about you, not in that sense anyway. They may ask you for a week or two but then from there on out they will stop replying to your texts, they’ll stop smiling at you in the halls when you pass and they will practically forget your existence on this earth. You have to start everything. You have to put the effort into the friendship. YOU have to be the pushing force to keep the friendship existing anymore even if it’s only at half its level as before.

I’m sorta getting really sick of this happening with my friends. I hate being the first to text someone all the time. I hate not getting responses to my messages when I do finally text someone. And I absolutely HATE when I can see that someone has read my message and purposely chose not to respond. Most of the time I message people just so that I have someone to talk to. Maybe I’m bored and want to strike up conversation or else I want to hang out with someone so text them to see if they’re free. I very very rarely text someone with the idea of complaining to them and seeking advice in mind. The people I text shouldn’t have this view of me when they see my name light up their screen so I’m unsure why they don’t want to talk to me. It makes me feel deserted, rejected, forgotten and alone. It sucks to say the least.

Put the effort into relationships and friendships that you want the other person to return to you.

Disappointment or Rebirth?

Sometimes the easiest things to let go of are those that mean the most to you.

People may read something like that and think ‘man, this girl has no clue what she’s talking about’, but I truly believe that previous statement. This is because what means the most to you is also the quickest to return to your life if it really meant something to begin with. The things closest to your heart are the things that you can not imagine living your life without. These things, whether they be people, experiences, places or anything really, will put a hole in your life when they’re gone. But this doesn’t mean that you can’t go and mend the hole. It just may take time. A lot of it in some cases.

I am finding, that with my recent situation I am very irritable. I jump to conclusions too quickly and just get upset about generally stupid things that I shouldn’t even be wasting my time thinking about let alone getting worked up about. Knowing this though hasn’t stopped me from doing it. I have lost a lot of close friends recently and those who have stayed by my side through all of it are starting to disappear as well. This isn’t because of them. It is not their actions. It’s because of me. Whenever something happens that I am not fond of I quickly get upset and try (yes I TRY) to block these people out of life. I take the shortcut; the easy way out wherever possible. This though is proving me a great deal of hardship and sadness. I find myself crying even more now due to my actions and emotions building from something so miniscule to begin with. This happened today. This happened on Monday. This happened a few weeks ago. When I’ve been lucky I have been able to save the friendship. Come to an apology quickly and hope that they truly forgive me. But this time, I am unsure if it is going to be quite as easy. This girl means the world to me. She has been there for me when absolutely no one else is there for me to turn to. She knows absolutely everything that has happened to me in the past few months even though we have only known each other for just over a year. She has helped me through so many tough decisions and just gives the best advice. But I screwed up. I am unhappy with my decisions and accusations but in this day and age there is still no way for me to reverse time and stop myself from making those mistakes. I got angry and I ran with my emotions. I ran too fast and too hard though and now regret taking the first step. I should have waited at the starting line thinking about my options first.

I truly don’t know where I would be, if I would be, if she hadn’t come into my life. I can’t imagine moving on without her, but I can’t undo what has already been done. I must figure out a solution to this problem to hope that she can return to my life. I have become selfish. Everything I do is about me. I have to stop with this. I have to preserve the friendships that I do have at this pivotal moment in my life. I may have it bad, but I could have it so much worse. I need to be the friend to others as they have been for me. I need to put myself out there and do what I have been unwilling to do in the past. I need to recover from everything. The diagnosis should be the least of my worries right now. Instead I need to focus on rebuilding the life that I had once had. The friendships that I had once held onto so dear. I used to be a good friend. The friend that everyone would come to when they needed someone. But now, I have just gone back into the shadows. I have isolated myself and my feelings. I try and let people know how much they mean to me, but I think the only way for me to redeem this this time will be to find a way to show it. To find a way to prove that I want this back. I want this friendship in my life. I want this friend by my side. Not for me, but for us. For us to hold each other up as each of us are falling down. For both of us to have someone to go to when the going gets tough. Life isn’t easy. We all need that one friend who is truly our best friend. Or at least one of our best friends who we know we can always turn to, no matter what the situation.

I wish I could take back what I did earlier today. But instead it is going to teach me how to act in the future. I must learn from my mistakes and prevent them from occurring again. I can look at this as a set back in my life or an opportunity for growth in the future, of both me and our friendship. I still don’t know how to rekindle the flame holding our friendship together, but I will find a way. I need to find a way.

“Obstacles can’t stop you. Problems can’t stop you. Most of all, other people can’t stop you. Only you can stop you.”

-I am StrongTilTheEnd and you are too <3