“We all want what we ain’t got,
Our favorite doors are always locked.
On a higher hill with a taller top,
We all want what we ain’t got…” –Jake Owen
Why is it that when I finally fall for a guy he’s ways off limits for one reason or another? Either he has a girlfriend, he’s out of my league, he would never want me or he’s just plain off limits. Always I feel this is the case. But now it’s getting out of hand… I’m falling and I know that it’s bad. I can’t fall for him. But I dreamt about us being together once, and now it’s on the front of my mind constantly.
It all started when this girl asked me if he and I were dating. I blushed and instantly said “No hahahah [insert awkward laughing]…” It was just an awkward situation with an awkward question from an awkward girl. How else was I supposed to respond??? And that was that…or so I thought. Then I had a dream that we were dating and cute-sy and he made me smile and laugh (which he already does, just saying!) and I was so genuinely happy that the next time I saw him (like in real life) that’s all I could think about: how happy he made me and the way I felt in my dream when I was with him.
But he is OFF LIMITS. and I know that. Does he have a girlfriend? No. So whyy, you may ask? He looks out for me like it’s his job. sweet?Yes! He tells me jokes to make me smile. kind?Yes! He walks me to my car at the end of the night. gentlemanly?Yes! … But he is my teacher (technically)…, and he is quite a bit older, he’s my mentor…a guardian almost. So I can’t have him. And i know that. But I can’t stop thinking about him in that way and he comes in my dreams [and I NEVER remember my dreams, mind you, but when he’s in them I do] and he makes me happy and protects me and wants whats best and I know he will always be there if I call or voice that I need help or someone to talk or just need someone by my side. That sounds like a pretty great boyfriend to me! I wish… :(
Where did everybody get this assumption that I am so incredibly skinny? Is it because I am the shortest in my class? I was always the smallest girl on the playground. I was first in height order lines. I was born 2 1/2 months early. I started out smaller than everyone else. But does this mean that I still have to be skinny? I feel fat. I feel out of shape. Following Thanksgiving I feel even worse about my body than I did just a week ago. Will I disappoint everyone when they find out I am no longer skinny? Will I shatter their expectations? I am no longer the little girl that they pictured in the past. I am not the smallest one. I am no longer what everyone thinks I am. I feel bad about myself and I don’t want others to look at me differently, but I know that I am different from the past.
Expectations suck. There’s no way to hide that fact. I know that I am seen as skinny, smart and strong. But I am NONE of those! It is amazing how people view you even when you think they know you really well. They make their assumptions and stick by them. They tell others about them and pretty soon everyone views you that way. Just because I did well in school doesn’t mean that I am naturally smart or that I enjoyed school. I hated school for that matter. I absolutely dreaded going on a daily basis. And I am not smart. I had to work so hard to get the grades that I did. I am horrible at memorizing dates, facts and rules. I worked long hours each night to get the information into my brain. But now if you asked me a question about Calculus or the Presidents there is only a slight possibility that I will have any remote idea of what you’re talking about. Yet, all the time I would get the question “Why do you love school?” Well, shocker! I don’t. I never did. I am not what everyone thinks and it makes life even harder to live. I am not only upsetting myself but everyone else around me too. And if you think I’m strong just because I try and be helpful to those around me and tell them that they will get through the tough times…there is a light at the end of the tunnel…right? Yea, well I have a hard time believing that for myself. So does this make me a hypocrite? I make other people stronger and see the positives, but I can’t do that for myself. I am one of the weakest people I know in all truth. I cry when people are upset with me. I lack a thick skin. I cry alone. I can’t voice my problems or struggles except through writing. I don’t know what to do with myself sometimes. My thoughts go towards actions I hoped I would never think again. Yet I’m the strong one? I’m able to help myself…huh? I don’t fill the shoes that everyone has built for me. I do not live up to any of the expectations people have. People don’t see me hurting. They don’t see me breaking. They don’t see my sadness. Not because it isn’t present, but instead because they have their shield up to block what they don’t want to see. Life is so hard to live like this…