“We all want what we ain’t got,
Our favorite doors are always locked.
On a higher hill with a taller top,
We all want what we ain’t got…” –Jake Owen
Why is it that when I finally fall for a guy he’s ways off limits for one reason or another? Either he has a girlfriend, he’s out of my league, he would never want me or he’s just plain off limits. Always I feel this is the case. But now it’s getting out of hand… I’m falling and I know that it’s bad. I can’t fall for him. But I dreamt about us being together once, and now it’s on the front of my mind constantly.
It all started when this girl asked me if he and I were dating. I blushed and instantly said “No hahahah [insert awkward laughing]…” It was just an awkward situation with an awkward question from an awkward girl. How else was I supposed to respond??? And that was that…or so I thought. Then I had a dream that we were dating and cute-sy and he made me smile and laugh (which he already does, just saying!) and I was so genuinely happy that the next time I saw him (like in real life) that’s all I could think about: how happy he made me and the way I felt in my dream when I was with him.
But he is OFF LIMITS. and I know that. Does he have a girlfriend? No. So whyy, you may ask? He looks out for me like it’s his job. sweet?Yes! He tells me jokes to make me smile. kind?Yes! He walks me to my car at the end of the night. gentlemanly?Yes! … But he is my teacher (technically)…, and he is quite a bit older, he’s my mentor…a guardian almost. So I can’t have him. And i know that. But I can’t stop thinking about him in that way and he comes in my dreams [and I NEVER remember my dreams, mind you, but when he’s in them I do] and he makes me happy and protects me and wants whats best and I know he will always be there if I call or voice that I need help or someone to talk or just need someone by my side. That sounds like a pretty great boyfriend to me! I wish… :(
Being alone leads to feeling lonely. Feeling lonely leads to becoming emotional. [For me] becoming emotional leads to stress eating. Stress eating leads to me feeling bad about my body. Feeling bad about my body makes me embarrassed to present myself to people I wish to ‘impress.’ Being embarrassed to present myself to others leads me to being alone. Being alone leads to _________
I think you get the gist. The cycle always comes full circle…
I’ve been feeling a bit lonely of recent. But the strange thing is that I haven’t wanted to interact with people to avoid being alone. So does this make me hypocritical and lack self determination to make myself feel better? I don’t want to talk to people on the phone. I don’t want to hang out with the people who seem to want to hang out with me (tinder ‘friendships’ so I’m not sure how to make this work out…more on those another time :/ ), I don’t want to skype friends from home, I don’t want to reply to people’s texts. And I don’t really know why. I’ve been enjoying the time that I have spent on my own, but I have not enjoyed feeling lonely and depressed.
I think that I would LOVE to have a movie night with an attractive and sweet guy who lives near by…but then I think about it more and would I really rather just stay home and bake? I think that I want to talk to old friends…but then I think about it and would I really rather explore outside on my own while the weather is still decently nice? Would I rather eat lunch by my lonesome by the lake instead of talking to my mom? Would I rather sit on my futon and watch “Grey’s Anatomy” and get emotionally invested in that instead of describing my own emotional rollercoaster to someone else? I think yes, yes I would. I don’t want to put on an act and tell everyone that I “love it here” and “I’m so happy that I made this decision” or that “everything is going exactly as planned and it is all just sunshine and rainbows.” If I knew that someone really wanted to know and understand the trials and tribulations that go into each and every day up here on my own, then maybe, just maybe I would be willing to talk to them, but I know most people just want to hear that I’m happy and enjoying myself. Which I am…but there is OH so much more.
Nonetheless I did enjoy my day on my own, decorating my apartment
Do you ever just sit there and feel sad? You’re not entirely sure why at the moment…you are just sad. You get tears in your eyes and you feel like eating chocolate and crying in the arms of someone you love.
These feelings suck and I am so ready to figure out the ins and outs of these. I get good news and I still feel bad about myself. I get bad news and I feel even worse. That isn’t good. That isn’t healthy. Is that normal? I really have no idea. I don’t understand it…but I’m ready to.
Am I scared to get a diagnosis officially looming over my head? Am I scared to eventually tell my parents? Am I scared to go into doctors and tell them what’s wrong? Am I scared to finally have to open up again? Hell YES I am. I am beyond scared. But I’m ready. Ultimately I am ready. I want to know what’s going on and I want to know how to help myself lead a better life.
In other news:
I was supposed to hear about the largest scholarship given from University of Iowa through snail mail on Friday and I still haven’t heard….frustrated doesn’t even cut it!!!!
I ate way too much food and gained way too much weight.
Even though the previous statement is true I was told yesterday by my teacher that I am soo light and they could just pick me up if they wanted to.
In reference to the previous statement once again I have started the partnering section of Sleeping Beauty (for all the non dancers out there that means lifts and assisted turns and such with a male dancer) which is overall such a great experience!
None of my teachers have asked how my auditions went which kinda makes me sad…
I am craving so much food right now that it isn’t even funny.
I may not have therapy for 3 weeks which makes me dread going back :/
Craving (via dictionary.com): Crav-ing [krey-ving] noun great or eager desire; yearning.
Cravings are everywhere and can be for pretty much everything. Most people relay this word only towards the topic of food, but cravings are constantly present. Sometimes I crave alone time. Sometimes I crave human interaction. Sometimes I crave a nice warm bed where I can simply listen to music. Sometimes I crave exercise and physical activity. Sometimes I crave holding a baby in my arms to feel love. Sometimes I crave salty foods. Sometimes I crave sweet foods. Sometimes I crave an empty stomach. Cravings can be extreme, annoying or just present. Most of the time, at least in my opinion, it is worth it to feed a craving no matter what it is. Yea, the next day you may regret eating your weight in cookies or staying up til 3am playing Candy Crush on your phone. But at least at the time you feel satisfied and “whole.” For me today I had a craving for something sweet so I decided to pick up the Dove chocolate that was lying around in my room. I read the quote and instantly knew that it was the right thing to do. It reads: “Clear your mind, and enjoy this moment.” I was quite happily savoring the milk chocolate in my mouth at the same time that my favorite song by Jason Mraz, “I Won’t Give Up,” was playing on my all time favorite Pandora station :)
So maybe now as I am sitting here smelling the food cooking in my kitchen (which is sort of making me nauseous I might add) and knowing that dinner is right around the corner I may feel a little disappointed in myself for listening and abiding to my craving. But there was a reason I was supposed to follow my brain and eat that chocolate. There was also a reason for the craving feeling to begin with. There was a purpose and I simply fulfilled the purpose. I enjoyed my moment in time while listening to my favorite song and hearing my heart sing as well!
It’s been a year since I threw my life out the window.
It’s been a year since I let my emotions take control of me for the first time.
It’s been a year since I realized how messed up I truly was.
It’s been a year since I ruined the friendship that meant so much to me.
It’s been a year since I drove myself insane in a matter of a few hours trying to hold onto what I already messed up.
It’s been a year since I let one incident lead me to a life of confusion and chaos.
It’s been a year since I lost one of my closest friends.
It’s been a year since I was the stupidest person I can ever imagine myself to become.
It’s been a year and I still regret every last thing I did, said and felt.
I was flat out being an idiot to throw away something that was so beneficial in my life. I let depression take control of me that night and released it to the one person who was there to listen. I let my emotions out in the open and let them drive me to a state of denial, confusion and overwhelming control. There was no way that I could spend today purely rejoicing in the birth of Jesus Christ or the time surrounded by family. The events of a year ago were in the back of my brain the entire time. And then for my dad to have the nerve to “diagnose” me with Seasonal Affective Disorder at the dinner table threw me over the edge once again. My parents may not know what a depressed individual they have for a daughter but they surely have raised one who is good at faking, sneaking and lying to pretend that she’s happy around them…
I don’t have the nerve that I did last spring but today I found other means to punish myself. I know that tomorrow I will awake feeling absolutely awful about my body and feel sore from the foods I ate today but that was my way of punishing myself for my actions from a year ago. I wish it were a merrier Christmas this year but things happen and life must go on.
For my birthday this year my parents gave me 2 tickets to go see Hunter Hayes in concert in Minneapolis! To say that the concert was amazing would be an understatement!! I had such a wonderful day Wednesday with my mom in the cities and seeing the concert and I am so happy that I finally had an overall good day all around. Getting home at 1am Thursday and knowing that I would have to wake up around 6am I knew that today just wasn’t going to be a good day. I ate a whole ton of food while with my mom which I completely regretted today. I ate too much. I didn’t stop myself when I was full. I continually got more food when there was absolutely no need for it. I am ashamed to say the least. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin on a regular basis but then stuff me with food and I feel like I am in a whole different world compared to everyone else. I feel isolated as though it is obvious that I am fat now. I continued to see my body in mirrors to make matters worse as I was trying on clothes in various stores. But the plus? I at least did not let this ruin my present and my night with my mom. Today though I woke up feeling sore and just taking up too much space. Luckily I got to spend the morning with my favorite little girl who was full of smiles and laughter. She can bring a smile to my face through anything:) I also reconnected with a friend who I had drifted away from over the past few months which was really nice. We both agreed that we missed each other greatly and now I can’t wait to see her and catch up soon.
But I knew it wasn’t going to be a good day and after leaving my neighbor’s house it really wasn’t. At dance I was once again surrounded by mirrors to point out to me and everyone around me how much I had eaten yesterday. My leotard fit weird. My stomach looked huge. I was just uncomfortable. And then to have my re-injured right ankle to still be bothering me from Tuesday’s incident was a mood killer in and of itself. I once again found myself sitting out of combinations which I had just started gaining ground on a couple weeks ago. I had finally started to recover from my previous injury and now another set back. Is this a sign? Am I not meant to dance? Is this God’s way of telling me and I am just not taking the hint? It sucks and I’m confused and I don’t know what to do. I thankfully have a physical therapy appointment tomorrow to see if this is anything to be worried about but being in the same position as I was in a few months ago was a huge blow to my self esteem. It just instantly hit me hard and I was really depressed. Throughout class I wasn’t mentally there and once I had to sit out of combinations once again I really took it hard. I thought I would start crying in the middle of class and have to excuse myself from the room. Luckily that didn’t happen but it was still hard to watch and know that I should be able to join in…but I physically could not.
Today was not the best day but that doesn’t mean that tomorrow has to be bad too. Maybe it will be. And if it is maybe Saturday will be a good day. There have to be good days to offset the bad every now and then…right? It’s just so hard when you don’t really know all the time what is causing you to feel the way you do. People ask. You don’t have answers. That’s just how it goes. But how can I get better if I can’t find the answers? I have been referred to an old friend of mine’s mom to contact and look into doing therapy again but I am still unsure if it is truly worth it. Last time therapy was a total flop. Therapy just isn’t how I work. I don’t open up to people in person. Even when I know that an individual truly cares and wants to know the truth I still find myself guarding my heart and lying to make myself sound better off than I am. That’s just how I do things. “Are you okay?” “Yea, I’m fine.” is so much easier than “Are you okay?” “Actually if you want to know the truth I am really depressed and confused. I feel alone. Do I really have good friends? I have friends but are any of them truly going to be there for me through thick and thin? I feel horrible about my body and today I caught myself thinking: ‘I wish I had an eating disorder.’ Who the hell thinks those thoughts? Those are awful awful things to come into my head yet I still feel them. I still don’t understand. I know the hardships I am faced with are so much better than others so why am I so depressed? No, I am not okay…” When people ask you something of the sort most of the time they don’t really care. They just ask to be polite. So I choose to not respond with the truth but take the easy way out instead.
I really have no idea what this post is about but if anyone stumbles across it and makes it to the end thanks for hearing me out tonight
I am officially a wreck. Physically and emotionally. Last night I had plans to go shopping and then go to the athletic club to work out. I got into the locker room to realize that I forgot my tennis shoes. So much for trying to get back into shape and working out:/ I then proceeded to be frustrated the entire rest of the night and I cried and I was so mad at myself. Then today I managed to hurt my ankle take 1 million at dance and began to cry. Half out of fear. Half out of just breaking down. In front of everyone. I don’t cry in front of people. But today I couldn’t manage my emotions. I have no outlet. I don’t even know what’s wrong to be able to talk to anyone. I feel really depressed and almost in a foreign type of world right now. Time is passing me by yet I get nothing done and don’t know how to react to most things. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know how to express myself. There is fear built up inside of me. I am scared for the future. I don’t really know what’s going on right now and it’s freaking me out