Tag Archives: Eating

A Different Kind of Lonely

Being alone leads to feeling lonely. Feeling lonely leads to becoming emotional. [For me] becoming emotional leads to stress eating. Stress eating leads to me feeling bad about my body. Feeling bad about my body makes me embarrassed to present myself to people I wish to ‘impress.’ Being embarrassed to present myself to others leads me to being alone. Being alone leads to _________

I think you get the gist. The cycle always comes full circle…

I’ve been feeling a bit lonely of recent. But the strange thing is that I haven’t wanted to interact with people to avoid being alone. So does this make me hypocritical and lack self determination to make myself feel better? I don’t want to talk to people on the phone. I don’t want to hang out with the people who seem to want to hang out with me (tinder ‘friendships’ so I’m not sure how to make this work out…more on those another time :/ ), I don’t want to skype friends from home, I don’t want to reply to people’s texts. And I don’t really know why. I’ve been enjoying the time that I have spent on my own, but I have not enjoyed feeling lonely and depressed.

I think that I would LOVE to have a movie night with an attractive and sweet guy who lives near by…but then I think about it more and would I really rather just stay home and bake? I think that I want to talk to old friends…but then I think about it and would I really rather explore outside on my own while the weather is still decently nice? Would I rather eat lunch by my lonesome by the lake instead of talking to my mom? Would I rather sit on my futon and watch “Grey’s Anatomy” and get emotionally invested in that instead of describing my own emotional rollercoaster to someone else? I think yes, yes I would. I don’t want to put on an act and tell everyone that I “love it here” and “I’m so happy that I made this decision” or that “everything is going exactly as planned and it is all just sunshine and rainbows.” If I knew that someone really wanted to know and understand the trials and tribulations that go into each and every day up here on my own, then maybe, just maybe I would be willing to talk to them, but I know most people just want to hear that I’m happy and enjoying myself. Which I am…but there is OH so much more.

Nonetheless I did enjoy my day on my own, decorating my apartmentFullSizeRender

exploring along the Superior Hiking Trail

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and watching my favorite tv shows:

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This Is Getting Out of Hand

I have struggled with food and weight for many years now. I know that. You know that. My closest peers know that. Now that I am on my own it is becoming a clear obstacle once again and not in the way that I wish it to. I have a lot of time to myself up here in Duluth and what do I spend it doing? Usually eating. Biggest problem being: I am surrounded by a bunch of teeny tiny girls and young women who I strive to look like and dance like. I know what I want to do with myself and how I can accomplish such things yet I still continue to eat when I’m not hungry and gorge myself in chocolate at the end of the night. I know that that’s not what I want to be doing but I do it anyway and it’s becoming a serious problem yet again…

Bloggers, I Have a Problem

Because I’m too embarrassed to admit it aloud I will admit it to all of you. You guys don’t judge me and if you do I don’t know and can’t see so it all works out in the end. Bloggers, I have a problem. A big problem. Like what the hell is wrong with me?? I care SO much about how I look and staying skinny and being in shape yet for some reason I have these cravings that I constantly am feeding. I want chocolate? I eat chocolate. I want ice cream? I go buy ice cream. I am so embarrassed by the number of times over the last week or so that I have stopped to get fast food, food full of sugar or greasy food late at night because it’s on my mind and I can’t get it to stop. Time and time again I tell myself that I need to stop. I need to be anorexic. I need to be thin. I need to not eat. I need to give up fatty foods. I need to give up meat. I need to give up chocolate. I need to give up sugar all around. Yet I don’t. When I weigh myself I am disappointed. I know that I shouldn’t weigh what I do. (Well I guess I should, technically weigh more or something, but I know that I don’t want to). I know that I can fix it yet I don’t and it feels like I am trapped and can’t do anything to make it better.

Getting a Sweet Tooth

What is this? The day that I start dancing again my sweet tooth must emerge. But can I even call it a sweet tooth? A craving? Or is it just a flat out problem? I start watching what I eat, I start losing weight, I feel a little bit okay with my body and then I get in front of mirrors for the first time in weeks in tight clothing and when I come home all I want to do is eat all of the chocolate on planet Earth. Is there a connection? I once again can easily pick apart every aspect of my body. I once again can compare myself to dancer B standing next to me and dancer A across the room. So what do I do…? Take up more space with my food intake, have a larger number on the scale and continue to eat more as I continue to feel worse about myself. Sounds like a solid plan…right? I stayed home this year to not only heal my ankle, but to heal myself, but the more I think about it the more I feel like some of my problems, like my eating tendencies, have gotten worse as the year has progressed. I head off to college in two short months and I know that not much is going to be able to change in terms of my shape, my eating habits or how I feel about my body. And that sucks. I will be in a whole new environment, surrounded with more itty bitty individuals and what that means for me I have no idea. It scares me. It really truly does. But does anyone know that? hahahahha I wish. Now you guys do, but anyone who can help? Hell no they don’t. I could revert to some awful awful habits on both ends of the eating disorder spectrum and I’m beyond scared for the unconscious decision that very well could be made…

Medical Adventure of the Year

What do you know? I got to have a hospital adventure once again! Seems to always happen to me once a year. An adventure of some sort. Sometimes they last one afternoon and sometimes they span over 6 months. This year was a 4 hour trip to the ER…always fun…not!

So this past Wednesday I was feeling really crappy so stayed in bed all day and just didn’t eat or drink anything. I probably slept for 25+ hours between when I went to bed Tuesday night and when I woke up Thursday morning. I went downstairs about 8:45am on Thursday because my stomach was growling. I reached for a box of cereal and got a little dizzy. Realizing that I needed food in my belly NOW I quickly crossed the kitchen to reach for a bowl. I remember everything going hazy and black and the next thing I knew my dad was waking me up, I was looking under the kitchen cabinets on the floor and my head hurt like crazy! When my dad got down to me my eyes were open but I was completely unresponsive. Since I had epilepsy when I was in middle school my parents decided to bring me into the ER to see if they could figure out if I had a seizure or if I just fainted. Also since I clearly had hit my head they wanted to check for a concussion.

A 4 hour trip to the ER was in store for me for the afternoon. My first IV to get me fluids. My first CT scan to check for a brain bleed and a jaw fracture. A very painful shoulder x-ray. Too much blood drawn. Too many nurses and doctors to keep straight. All in all I came away with a diagnosed sinus infection (antibiotics to go with it), a bruised and uneven jawline, a shoulder sprain and a headache! Oh great fun. It was quite the adventure and one that I surely do not want to repeat in the near future.

 

In other news: I got asked out last Tuesday so that was a bit of a pick-me-up! But sadly we haven’t been able to yet due to my current condition and his busy work schedule. But hopefully soon :)

The Silent Struggle

Do you know how hard it is to be in a room with 2 individuals who have been diagnosed with an eating disorder, one girl who is on the verge and the last who is too young to have even developed curves of any sort? Do you know how hard it is to not feel bad about yourself in this situation where you can so easily compare yourself to the other girls in the room? Do you know how hard it is when no one else in the room even realizes that you might be struggling with food and your self image just as much as the next you’re just too scared to get help for it like the others? It is pretty much a living hell. You would think maybe it would motivate me to improve my habits, get skinny again and start to feel better about myself…yea I had hoped it would too. But it’s not. I feel worse as the days go on and I get worse with each passing week. I am too scared though and I can’t even voice it to anyone else to help me get help. I know that I need it but I’m too scared. I’m crying but no one knows. I paste a smile on my face to act like everything’s okay. It’s not and it hasn’t been for weeks, months really, but who really cares? No one seems to so there’s no one to talk to. No one who wants to listen. No one who wants to help. And I’d be too nervous to say anything if the situation arose knowing my luck.

Weight Can’t Control How You Feel

It can’t. It can’t. It can’t. Weight is merely a number. It can not determine whether you have a good day or a bad day. It can’t make the decision for you about anything. You are still loved. You are still cared for. You have the same responsibilities to uphold no matter what your size. Weight should not be a focus of people’s lives, but sadly it is. It is a focus of mine. It is a focus of my neighbor’s. It is a focus of people that I would never think to be focused on it. It is a sad truth that we need to overcome…

Why I’m discussing this today is because of my personal situations regarding weight and size and appearance. I majorly struggle with all of this. I know that I am not overweight but I do not know that I am not fat. People can tell me whatever they want but it won’t change how I feel regarding it. The past few days have been really hard for me to get through mentally and emotionally. Therefore I have put my reliance on food to keep me sane. This sounds crazy because I know it will drive me up a wall later but in the present moment sometimes food can help calm me and relax me. Stupid? Yes. Does it work? Sometimes. Is it healthy? Hell NO. Yet I continue with these behaviors. The past couple of days I haven’t been able to stop eating. So today when I had to put on my leotard and tights for class I feared the outcome. As usual I weighed myself prior to doing so and guess what? I had lost weight since yesterday. But how? How is this humanly possible? How was that number smaller than yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that, and all the way since January 17th? How and why did this happen? But just because my weight went down does not mean that I was happy with how I looked in my tight clothing. I still saw every flaw and I still felt worse than I did on Thursday. My number may have been lower but it did not mean that I felt any better about myself. Weight is and only can be a number. I know that I should not focus so much time and energy on such a small thing since it doesn’t determine how I feel in my body no matter how small. It is a hard barrier to overcome because I know that I am not happy with any of it but somehow I need to find the inner strength to get past it…