Tag Archives: Disorder

Bloggers, I Have a Problem

Because I’m too embarrassed to admit it aloud I will admit it to all of you. You guys don’t judge me and if you do I don’t know and can’t see so it all works out in the end. Bloggers, I have a problem. A big problem. Like what the hell is wrong with me?? I care SO much about how I look and staying skinny and being in shape yet for some reason I have these cravings that I constantly am feeding. I want chocolate? I eat chocolate. I want ice cream? I go buy ice cream. I am so embarrassed by the number of times over the last week or so that I have stopped to get fast food, food full of sugar or greasy food late at night because it’s on my mind and I can’t get it to stop. Time and time again I tell myself that I need to stop. I need to be anorexic. I need to be thin. I need to not eat. I need to give up fatty foods. I need to give up meat. I need to give up chocolate. I need to give up sugar all around. Yet I don’t. When I weigh myself I am disappointed. I know that I shouldn’t weigh what I do. (Well I guess I should, technically weigh more or something, but I know that I don’t want to). I know that I can fix it yet I don’t and it feels like I am trapped and can’t do anything to make it better.

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Getting a Sweet Tooth

What is this? The day that I start dancing again my sweet tooth must emerge. But can I even call it a sweet tooth? A craving? Or is it just a flat out problem? I start watching what I eat, I start losing weight, I feel a little bit okay with my body and then I get in front of mirrors for the first time in weeks in tight clothing and when I come home all I want to do is eat all of the chocolate on planet Earth. Is there a connection? I once again can easily pick apart every aspect of my body. I once again can compare myself to dancer B standing next to me and dancer A across the room. So what do I do…? Take up more space with my food intake, have a larger number on the scale and continue to eat more as I continue to feel worse about myself. Sounds like a solid plan…right? I stayed home this year to not only heal my ankle, but to heal myself, but the more I think about it the more I feel like some of my problems, like my eating tendencies, have gotten worse as the year has progressed. I head off to college in two short months and I know that not much is going to be able to change in terms of my shape, my eating habits or how I feel about my body. And that sucks. I will be in a whole new environment, surrounded with more itty bitty individuals and what that means for me I have no idea. It scares me. It really truly does. But does anyone know that? hahahahha I wish. Now you guys do, but anyone who can help? Hell no they don’t. I could revert to some awful awful habits on both ends of the eating disorder spectrum and I’m beyond scared for the unconscious decision that very well could be made…

Weight Can’t Control How You Feel

It can’t. It can’t. It can’t. Weight is merely a number. It can not determine whether you have a good day or a bad day. It can’t make the decision for you about anything. You are still loved. You are still cared for. You have the same responsibilities to uphold no matter what your size. Weight should not be a focus of people’s lives, but sadly it is. It is a focus of mine. It is a focus of my neighbor’s. It is a focus of people that I would never think to be focused on it. It is a sad truth that we need to overcome…

Why I’m discussing this today is because of my personal situations regarding weight and size and appearance. I majorly struggle with all of this. I know that I am not overweight but I do not know that I am not fat. People can tell me whatever they want but it won’t change how I feel regarding it. The past few days have been really hard for me to get through mentally and emotionally. Therefore I have put my reliance on food to keep me sane. This sounds crazy because I know it will drive me up a wall later but in the present moment sometimes food can help calm me and relax me. Stupid? Yes. Does it work? Sometimes. Is it healthy? Hell NO. Yet I continue with these behaviors. The past couple of days I haven’t been able to stop eating. So today when I had to put on my leotard and tights for class I feared the outcome. As usual I weighed myself prior to doing so and guess what? I had lost weight since yesterday. But how? How is this humanly possible? How was that number smaller than yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that, and all the way since January 17th? How and why did this happen? But just because my weight went down does not mean that I was happy with how I looked in my tight clothing. I still saw every flaw and I still felt worse than I did on Thursday. My number may have been lower but it did not mean that I felt any better about myself. Weight is and only can be a number. I know that I should not focus so much time and energy on such a small thing since it doesn’t determine how I feel in my body no matter how small. It is a hard barrier to overcome because I know that I am not happy with any of it but somehow I need to find the inner strength to get past it…

The Fashion Show of the Year

So tonight, December 10th, was the annual Victoria’s Secret fashion show. This year was the first year that I actually considered sitting down in front of my tv and watching it. I hadn’t heard of it until a couple of years ago when I found out that girls had parties with their girl friends and ate ice cream and cried at the screen as these gorgeous “Angels” walked down the runway. For some reason I decided maybe watching it would motivate me to be fit and get in shape…then I thought about it more and realized that I would ultimately just end up feeling bad about myself and stuffing my face with food instead. Not exactly the best way to handle things. Watching commercials for the store Victoria’s Secret and the upcoming holiday sales makes me feel bad enough about myself so why would I choose to watch a full hour of these women in front of me? I did look online and found this wonderful blog post that you should all take the time to read because I couldn’t agree more:

http://emwilsonmusic.com/blog/2013/12/5/on-the-victorias-secret-fashion-show

Filling The Shoes of Expectation

Where did everybody get this assumption that I am so incredibly skinny? Is it because I am the shortest in my class? I was always the smallest girl on the playground. I was first in height order lines. I was born 2 1/2 months early. I started out smaller than everyone else. But does this mean that I still have to be skinny? I feel fat. I feel out of shape. Following Thanksgiving I feel even worse about my body than I did just a week ago. Will I disappoint everyone when they find out I am no longer skinny? Will I shatter their expectations? I am no longer the little girl that they pictured in the past. I am not the smallest one. I am no longer what everyone thinks I am. I feel bad about myself and I don’t want others to look at me differently, but I know that I am different from the past.

Expectations suck. There’s no way to hide that fact. I know that I am seen as skinny, smart and strong. But I am NONE of those! It is amazing how people view you even when you think they know you really well. They make their assumptions and stick by them. They tell others about them and pretty soon everyone views you that way. Just because I did well in school doesn’t mean that I am naturally smart or that I enjoyed school. I hated school for that matter. I absolutely dreaded going on a daily basis. And I am not smart. I had to work so hard to get the grades that I did. I am horrible at memorizing dates, facts and rules. I worked long hours each night to get the information into my brain. But now if you asked me a question about Calculus or the Presidents there is only a slight possibility that I will have any remote idea of what you’re talking about. Yet, all the time I would get the question “Why do you love school?” Well, shocker! I don’t. I never did. I am not what everyone thinks and it makes life even harder to live. I am not only upsetting myself but everyone else around me too. And if you think I’m strong just because I try and be helpful to those around me and tell them that they will get through the tough times…there is a light at the end of the tunnel…right? Yea, well I have a hard time believing that for myself. So does this make me a hypocrite? I make other people stronger and see the positives, but I can’t do that for myself. I am one of the weakest people I know in all truth. I cry when people are upset with me. I lack a thick skin. I cry alone. I can’t voice my problems or struggles except through writing. I don’t know what to do with myself sometimes. My thoughts go towards actions I hoped I would never think again. Yet I’m the strong one? I’m able to help myself…huh? I don’t fill the shoes that everyone has built for me. I do not live up to any of the expectations people have. People don’t see me hurting. They don’t see me breaking. They don’t see my sadness. Not because it isn’t present, but instead because they have their shield up to block what they don’t want to see. Life is so hard to live like this…

Emotional Eating

When I am emotional I eat. When I eat I get upset about how much I’ve eaten. This then makes me more emotional. I then eat even more…

I hope I am not the only one in this situation, but I seriously think that I have some sort of food problem (I wouldn’t necessarily say eating disorder, but problem for sure). I have consumed soo many calories over the past few days and truthfully over the past 6 months and most of it is due to me being emotional, or upset, or depressed about one thing or another. I don’t do this eating in front of others, but I tend to stash food in my room or in my purse and will binge in the car or quietly late at night while I am on the verge of tears or confused about everything around me. I rarely eat in front of others to begin with (in fear that I will be judged) and dessert is a pretty much NO GO when I am with people. Therefore all of this eating is done alone and secretive. I feel so awful though after or while eating this food but it does not stop me from continuing to indulge. I get more upset and start to cry harder sometimes but I keep stuffing my face because I feel in some way it will help. It never does. Instead I tell myself the next day that I need to counteract the overeating the night before and eat healthy. This usually backfires though and I continue to eat badly and continue to feel worse and worse. I think I have a serious problem. I am way too scared to tell anyone though…