The text has been sent. The facebook message has been received. The voicemail has been left. The snapchat has been opened. Whatever means of technology has been used in this day and age, there is always a response which is expected…and then the reality that actually comes.
I’m one of those girls who constantly imagines the way a certain conversation will go…what they will say, what I will say, everything down to the last little smirk left on his face. No matter how many times I guess what his response will be or what phrase he will say, and no matter how many times I am wrong and get a little crushed by it, I can’t stop. I want our conversations to go a certain way only because I want our relationship to go a certain way. I know it’s not going to happen, at least any time soon, but I can’t stop and then it leads to nights like tonight. Where I’m alone, watching Netflix, wanting to cry. It’s pathetic really, but all I wanted him to say was “of course I’ll come over, just give me a second to figure out how to get there. You’re sick and I’d love to spend the night with you” But of course that isn’t the response I get. Instead I’m here all alone in this house cause the family left for the evening and I’ve been sick and I’m cooped up crying over something that I can’t change…
Being alone leads to feeling lonely. Feeling lonely leads to becoming emotional. [For me] becoming emotional leads to stress eating. Stress eating leads to me feeling bad about my body. Feeling bad about my body makes me embarrassed to present myself to people I wish to ‘impress.’ Being embarrassed to present myself to others leads me to being alone. Being alone leads to _________
I think you get the gist. The cycle always comes full circle…
I’ve been feeling a bit lonely of recent. But the strange thing is that I haven’t wanted to interact with people to avoid being alone. So does this make me hypocritical and lack self determination to make myself feel better? I don’t want to talk to people on the phone. I don’t want to hang out with the people who seem to want to hang out with me (tinder ‘friendships’ so I’m not sure how to make this work out…more on those another time :/ ), I don’t want to skype friends from home, I don’t want to reply to people’s texts. And I don’t really know why. I’ve been enjoying the time that I have spent on my own, but I have not enjoyed feeling lonely and depressed.
I think that I would LOVE to have a movie night with an attractive and sweet guy who lives near by…but then I think about it more and would I really rather just stay home and bake? I think that I want to talk to old friends…but then I think about it and would I really rather explore outside on my own while the weather is still decently nice? Would I rather eat lunch by my lonesome by the lake instead of talking to my mom? Would I rather sit on my futon and watch “Grey’s Anatomy” and get emotionally invested in that instead of describing my own emotional rollercoaster to someone else? I think yes, yes I would. I don’t want to put on an act and tell everyone that I “love it here” and “I’m so happy that I made this decision” or that “everything is going exactly as planned and it is all just sunshine and rainbows.” If I knew that someone really wanted to know and understand the trials and tribulations that go into each and every day up here on my own, then maybe, just maybe I would be willing to talk to them, but I know most people just want to hear that I’m happy and enjoying myself. Which I am…but there is OH so much more.
Nonetheless I did enjoy my day on my own, decorating my apartment
Why in the world did I decide to stay in Rochester this year? Like I totally know why I did, but day by day I question it even more. I am sick and tired of this house situation. I hate relying on my parents. I hate my parents nagging me. I hate reapplying for colleges. I hate living in Rochester. I hate not meeting new people. I hate seeing all of the people my old friends have met and made their new friends. I hate being out of contact with so many people. I hate paying for my gas money. I hate sitting around my house. I hate not having anyone to hang out with. I hate this show that we are working on at dance. I hate my ankle. I hate my relationships with the people who could have potentially been my friends here in town still. I hate how I screw everything up. I hate how alone I feel. I hate pretty much everything about this year besides my job. I love my job! But I hate how I have no idea how I am going to survive once we close for the season. What am I going to do with the time I usually spent working? Where am I going to get money to pay for gas and clothes and food? How am I going to make it through the dreadful months of winter without spending time with my coworkers who can always put me in a good mood? The only people who will keep me going are the kids down the street who I can laugh and have a good time with. But when I am depressed going into the mornings I don’t usually enjoy their company quite as much. I am tired and crabby and just want to sleep and get away from everybody. I don’t even have anywhere to ‘get away’ these days. Last year I used my room, but now my parents are always barging in to have discussions which turn quickly into “Let’s bash Ashley about everything that she could possibly be doing wrong at the moment” sessions. Yet somehow they still totally are missing the fact that I have problems. I have issues. They aren’t under the radar anymore but my parents still manage not to notice. I am not myself anymore. Others have noticed, but my parents…yea not so much. They notice every little change in my sister and care about all of her great accomplishments, but they only manage to see how I am ruining their lives by staying in town. It sucks. That is all.
My mind is a constant flow of thoughts and emotions. I swear to God it never stops. Ever. It drives me crazy sometimes, especially when I can’t even figure out what I am thinking about or what made me burst into tears or cause a smile to appear on my face. Then there are the times when I can follow my thought process perfectly and know exactly what is running through it.
Recently my thoughts have been overtaken by dance, love and acceptance. I have done a lot of thinking on a certain dance teacher. He came into my life 2 years ago in the 2011 school year and I had him through January of this year. Since then I realized how shitty he treated me. He acted like he cared about me and wanted to see me get far so I worked towards those good feelings from him to me. He is a teacher who picks his favorites and focuses solely on them. I strove so hard to be one of his favorites. And occasionally I would get there. There were classes were he loved me. There were classes where he hated me and I came home crying and so upset with myself and had the lowest confidence in the world. Why did I put up with this? Why? There were other teachers out there who cared about me, loved me, and TRULY wanted to see me get far in dance. There were teachers who would focus attention equally among the students in their class. But I stuck close to this teacher’s side. I wanted so badly to be one of his favorites that I was willing to do anything in the dance world for him. I gave up so much of my own time to “help” him with different productions and I felt honored to do so. I loved it when he would compliment me on my quick thinking brain and good memory. But in the end that is all that he used me for. He actually used me for my good memory. He didn’t really care that I had it for my own sake but for his and everyone else’s. I would help everyone else stay together because of what I brought to class through intelligence not my dancing. But I wanted his attention, and his love so I stuck it out. I thought it made sense at the time because hey, at least he was paying attention to me, right? Wrong. I was soo wrong. I hate myself now for doing that. I am SO upset that I did not realize it sooner. I should not have put up with that kind of behavior from someone who clearly should know better than to treat a teenager that way. But I did. I stuck with it. I strove for his acceptance and that was the only way it could be obtained.
The more I think of this teacher and how he treated me the more I realize that this is just what I do. I seek love, compassion, friendship and acceptance from anyone and everyone around me. I want people to see me as a good person. Someone who they can always come to. Someone who will drop whatever she is doing to be there for the other person. But in the end I give up way too much in my own life and end up jeopardizing my future to do so. I put up with too much shit to obtain what I want from other people. A lot of the guys who I have had “things” with have treated me like straight shit in one way or another. But I put up with it for the occasional times where they show me love and friendship. Those are the moments I focus on as rationale to put up with their other behaviors and treatments. I regret it later on, but usually much much later on. I don’t realize I’m doing it until after. I hate myself for doing this because I need to find some self respect through it all. Instead I just want others to see me as a good person which tears me down in the end.
Today was rough. Really really rough. My parents and I got in a huge fight which left me feeling defeated and confused as can be in terms of where I am headed with this life. They are upset with me because they do not see me trying to get back into shape and into dance and they don’t understand why. Me being the person that I am I have no idea how to voice the words in my head on what is holding me back. I am just overwhelmed and have absolutely no idea where to go or what to do right now. I am so regretting my decision to stay in town and take a year off to get back into shape. I don’t really know if I’ll be able to handle home life with my parents for another year. I’m so ready to get away and at this point I can’t cause my decision has already been made :/
To make matters worse today I felt extra alone. My sister and a friend planned to go to Valleyfair (an amusement park about 1.5 hours away from my hometown) on Tuesday and she asked me if I wanted to bring a friend with. I instantly thought of one person who might want to come so asked her. Sadly she has to work. Then I searched through all of my contacts. I only found 1 other person (who is out of town) who I might feel close enough with to ask to come. None of the other 196 phone numbers/people did I feel that I might want to spend the day with. If you had asked me a year ago to find one friend to come with me instead of struggling to find someone I would instead be struggling to narrow down the choices to just one person. Things have changed. My friends have gone. I have lost the connection which I used to have with certain people and that really struck me today. At this point I can count on one hand who I interact with willingly and happily on a somewhat daily basis. Everyone else has just kind of left my life. I may talk with them occasionally, or use the phrase “Let’s hang out this summer” with a few others, but most of that is just fake and a bunch of lies.
I have been on the verge of tears all night with these situations and realizations. And then to make matters worse at my job (I am on day 5 of being officially employed) tonight it was really busy (I work at an ice cream place and the weather was finally gorgeous) and I kept screwing up orders. I would tell the person I was working with something wrong, ring up the order wrong, or just flat out not hear the customer at all. I felt awful and am still feeling really bad for everything that happened tonight. When I woke up this morning I knew that things wouldn’t run smoothly. I just had a feeling. Sadly I was right. I work again tomorrow for 5 hours, but tomorrow is a new day. Things have to turn up at some point in time, and I surely can’t wait until that day comes.
How are so many people finding out about my state of mind and my actions? Where are all of these random worried people coming from? I have only told a select few people that I have officially been diagnosed, and my mom told 1 person whom I also trust. So how does everyone know? All of a sudden people are asking the question “How are you doing?” with so much more sadness in their eyes and intent in their question hoping to finally find the true answer. I appreciate the support and concern but it’s kind of freaking me out a little bit. And now I don’t know what to do…