Even this little connection makes my heart skip a beat
Then my head lands on your shoulder
As my eyes begin to flutter shut I hear you whispering to me, telling me that I’m beautiful
It’s so late but now you have my attention once again
Your soft, tender fingers find the patch of skin showing from my slightly lifted shirt
Your lips touch mine and I know whatever happens here I am in the arms of someone who cares about me and I care about them
…As I lie with my head against your perfectly sculpted, bare chest, listening to your heart beat fast, I can’t help but think *was this just a dream?*
It was so perfect. You are so perfect. I’ve waited so long to be this close to you. Am I only imagining you lying next to me in the dim light wrapped in a mess of blankets? Or is this reality…are you really here? On Valentine’s Day? True bliss…
Last night I received a text at 10:30pm asking me if I wanted to hang out. Of course with how boring my life usually is I said ‘yes!’ My friend and I ended up venturing out to this little marsh-like area with a gazebo in the middle to sit and look up at the stars. We haven’t hung out in months so this was the perfect way to catch up and it checked some things off of my bucket list! Including stargazing and going on a late night adventure. We covered topics from breakups to the unknowns of space to alcohol and the rebellion of teenage years and it was so ideal that I didn’t want the night to end. In my opinion everyone needs to have a little adventure in their life. Go out late at night to do the unknown. Go to a party and try a little wine or vodka. It won’t kill you if you’re smart about it and it doesn’t hurt to have fun.
Here are the blog challenges that I am choosing between and instead of having to explain them each day I decided to actually post them:
We have hit the point in summer where people begin taking off for college and orientation and different adventures as they start a new chapter of their lives. This is also the time where the goodbyes begin to be said and the final hugs are given for quite some time. This is when you begin to realize who impacted you and who you will truly miss from your life. You know which goodbyes will be hard and which may not even be said at all.
So far I have bid farewell to 2 of my friends and they are the ones which will be hardest to see go of anyone. Both though I did get to see before they left and I am so thankful for that. They have both helped me so much in the past and it is so sad to think of them not being just a short drive away. One is off in Boston already, and the other leaves the country on Tuesday. I am very surprised that tears have not been shed yet but I know when it really hits me they will fiercely fall…
On Saturday after work I met with someone to get coffee and we literally just sat there talking for a good almost two hours. He has meant so much to me that it is so hard to think that that was the final time we will talk face to face for 8 months. He is so inspirational and intellectual. He has helped me through some really tough times and he just gets me. Sometimes it seems that he knows me better than I know myself. We have both had a hard past, in different ways, but we can still find it in us to relate to one another. He truly cares about me and I care about him. He is a real, true friend. The thing that he said that will stick with me forever is: “We have talked quite a bit over this year and yet you’re still not as happy as I wish you would be.” This just meant soo much to me. He wants me to be happy and he could see that I still wasn’t even though I was managing to fool everyone else in my life. I love him as a friend and I am truly going to miss him. He promised me that we could be in contact and that means the world to me. Even though he will be thousands of miles away I still know he will be there and he will still care.
“This isn’t a ‘goodbye’ it’s a ‘see you later’!”
“Scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real.”
― Cormac McCarthy
“We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, I survived.”
It amazes me what little things and what life changing events can cause scars on our body. In my opinion a scar is a reminder of how far you have come. The scar is a mark of a journey, a new adventure, or an obstacle you have overcome. Each time you see each individual mark you can remember where you were and what you were doing when you obtained it and now you can take the time to realize how you have changed since then and are stronger in some way.
I have a scar on my left knee from falling down while playing outside with my cousin on a summer day in Wisconsin. This was the beginning of my journey through the diagnosis of epilepsy. Following my fall and trying to clean it up I passed out and had my very first seizure. For 4 years my life was led a little differently, trying to avoid getting over heated which had led to my other 2 seizures. Now I see that scar, know where I was in life back then, and can see now that I have ‘overcome’ epilepsy. I am now 6 years seizure free!
I have a scar right below my nose from getting a mole removed in 1st grade. Each time my eyes fall across this scar I am taken back to the days where I would wear my Barbie band-aids to school and feel like the coolest person ever :)
I have scars covering my feet from the rougher days of dancing. I have blistered and scraped up my feet and legs so badly some days, but those are the best days because it shows how hard I truly was working throughout class. This reminds me to persevere through every hard class and remember that I have made it through tough days and I can keep on pushing!
I have numerous scars which I am not entirely sure where they have come from. I also have scars which aren’t visible on the outside. I have been hurt emotionally in the past which have left me feeling broken and lost. But now I can learn from the mistakes made and create a better and stronger future for me ahead.
Never in a million years would I have thought that the day would come where I would have purposefully made marks on my wrist. These four simple lines are a daily reminder of everything that I have had to deal with. Everything that I don’t think anyone knows fully or could really totally understand the how’s and the why’s of. I know that I have become such a stronger individual since the nights that these marks were made. I have grown so much the past few months and I know that I should be proud of myself for that. These marks will never go away, but truthfully I don’t ever want them to. I need that simple reminder. I need them there to keep me going day in and day out.
There are so many blogs out there written anonymously and there are also a ton that write and post them directly to another social network for their friends, families, and strangers to read. As of now I have only shared my blog with a select few people. Everyone else who reads this have stumbled across it through my anonymous Tumblr page or WordPress itself. I am really thinking about starting to post my blog to my personal Twitter account. I really think it would be interesting to see if I get any feedback from the people who don’t realize there is a different side of me. I am not only the nerdy, dancer freak that I come across as at school. There is more to me. I am battling with something that I have been trying to hide. But eventually high school life will be behind us. We have already completed the 4 treacherous years of classes. We are on our final summer with these people when we know they will for sure be around. Everyone is moving away. Many things will be left behind us as we begin a new journey in our lives. People will pack up their things and head off to a place of more freedom and start making decisions purely for themselves to better their future. Some people will begin this journey with a few of their childhood friends by their side, and others will go into this completely alone. They will make the decisions to branch out, or stay a little shy and wait for friends to find them. The life ahead of everyone is a life with so many opportunities and no one can be sure where this path will take them, but at this moment everyone is taking a leap of faith into a new direction. I think that I will take that leap of faith tonight and share this blog with others. Let people know the “real Ashley” or at least the “Ashley” that I have become. This past year has changed me a lot, but in good ways, I have learned a little more about myself and keep discovering new things everyday. So if anyone new is reading this tonight, hello and welcome to this part of me:)
So this year I graduated and had my graduation party the day after the ceremony. I was really nervous that no one would come even though my mom made sure that I invited EVERYONE around it seemed. She would think of someone, find their address and I would send off the invite. One last minute invitation was sent to my 2nd grade teacher who retired while I was still in elementary school. I received a very thoughtful card and book from her today. She wrote a message on the inside of the book which reads:
June, 2013 Congratulations on your high school graduation, Ashley– May your book of life have many, many chapters and included in it may there be: imagination and creativity, hard work, perseverance and determination, optimism, positive role models and positive role modeling, understanding and support, a value of relationships over materialism, humility, the fulfilling of your dreams, as well as, helping others fulfill theirs, honesty, organization, planning and preparedness, encouragement, inspiration, earnestness, compromise, teamwork, the supporting of words with action, taking leaps of faith, gratitude, loyalty, being apologetic and forgiving, flexibility, reliability, sacrifice, courage, the ability to love and be loved, and a deep faith in God as a foundation.
Best wishes for the future to one of the sweetest students I taught at Washington School.
_______________- your second grade teacher
This message really left me thinking. This is a person who I have not talked to since 6th grade when I was with my family dropping off a gift to a great teacher. I have not seen her since then. There has been no communication between us. Yet she still felt “close enough” to me to write a very sweet and thoughtful message. She also taped my 2nd grade school picture and a biography written by one of my classmates back in 2002 into the inside of the book. On top of all of this she also gave the book with a card with a long and thoughtful message in it as well.
Impact. Such an important part of life. Impact can be for the good and for the bad. You may make a solid first impression and then turn out to be a total jerk, but you have impacted someone elses life in some way. They will remember you. They will remember what you did. They can sense your values. They can get a vision of you in their head which will stay with them forever.
I left some sort of image on my second grade teacher. She remembers me as a caring individual. Not a jerk. She remembers my sense of adventure and compassion. Not the mishaps I caught myself in at the playground. She remembers the good. I impacted her life somehow. She cares. I care. I think that this is so vital in life. I am so happy to be able to look back and remember the good times of grade school because of my teachers and the knowledge that they had to share, whether it be about math and english, or civility and politeness. They impacted my life in more than excellent and memorable ways. Clearly I was able to do the same to some of them even as a young and innocent child.
My grad party brought a lot of emphasis on who I have impacted in my life. I realized who’s lives I changed/altered for the better. And the worse. Some of the people who didn’t make it I know that I have not left a good image on them. Their perception of me may not be positive. They may view me as someone who imposed myself into their life. They may not view me as a nice person. Not everything anyone does will make a positive change in the way someone lives.
Everything happens for a reason and everything has its consequences. I am learning this everyday and learning from these experiences. Change is good. Change will help you grow as an individual if you let it. Let other people help change your life in a positive way and try to help change other people’s lives through your personal impact on them.