Happy post!! Happy post!! I am super excited to come back to all of you with happy news instead of depressed news. I have been having a pretty solid week! After going home last weekend, I expected this weekend to be a drag, but it wasn’t and I am so pleased that I took the chance to feel accepted and loved by those that I’ve been striving for it from the most :)
Soo…rewind: Last weekend was my first time home in 7 weeks, and it couldn’t have been better! I got to see my dad, and friends and old coworkers and my previous dance teachers and life was just flippin’ fantastic! So as I drove home Monday night (I didn’t get home til 10:40pm…So I mean that kinda was rough) I had time to ponder what this weekend would consist of. What did I come up with?: Netlix. Food. Loneliness.
That’s about it. Because let’s be real what else do I do with my time especially when I have a lot of it? I knew it was Halloween weekend which would mean that I would see an influx of posts about parties and people dressed up and being drunk and having a good time. And I would probably take these in from the comfort of my couch and look on longingly wishing that I had people to spend my nights with.
But plans can change and within a couple of hours none of the above could be true! And it wasn’t :) I was invited very last minute to the dance company’s Halloween party, and at first I wasn’t going to go. I’m awkward in social situations and I don’t want to ruin any good things that I possibly have going. Buuut then again I want to be “in” with these people and maybe this could be beneficial. The problem is that I’m not really in the company, but I’m also not really in the school. So I’m still struggling to find my place within the ballet and the people in it. Eventually though I decided to go, and I am SO happy that I did :) I enjoyed myself for the first time in a long time and I do feel that I got closer with the people that I really do spend a lot of time with. I wasn’t stupid, but I also didn’t hold back. After a short time I wasn’t completely socially awkward and for that I am proud!
Then to top off the night I was walked to my car very sweetly ending with a good night hug from the guy who’s been looking out for me since day 1. He could have stayed and just partied the night away but he took the time to make sure that I made it to my car safely and I was alright to drive myself home. It is amazing the little actions that can make you feel accepted and loved by those around you <3
Being sick sucks. Being alone when you’re sick: even worse :( All I want right now is someone to hug me tight and assure me that things are going to be okay. Let me know that they care and love me and want what’s best for me. But I don’t know people here…the people I do know are busy with opening night of a dance performance, which I should be involved in but since I’m sick I was cut…so there’s that too. It just seems like so much has been piling up and I can’t seem to get control. I still haven’t met people. I still haven’t found control over my poor eating choices. I still haven’t started feeling like I belong yet and being sick stacked on top of this all makes life really difficult. I don’t know where I stand with anything and I’m just so confused.
I went to urgent care today and surprise surprise they found nothing seriously wrong, story. of. my. life. Most people would be happy with that but for me I just want the answers, to know why I feel like crap and have felt this way for 5 days now. I want there to be a damn good reason why I needed to be cut from the show. But nope! There isn’t one. There never is. They can never find anything and it just complicates things even more. I’m mad, upset, nauseous, sad, lonely….add that all together and you’ve got a messed up girl.
I have struggled with food and weight for many years now. I know that. You know that. My closest peers know that. Now that I am on my own it is becoming a clear obstacle once again and not in the way that I wish it to. I have a lot of time to myself up here in Duluth and what do I spend it doing? Usually eating. Biggest problem being: I am surrounded by a bunch of teeny tiny girls and young women who I strive to look like and dance like. I know what I want to do with myself and how I can accomplish such things yet I still continue to eat when I’m not hungry and gorge myself in chocolate at the end of the night. I know that that’s not what I want to be doing but I do it anyway and it’s becoming a serious problem yet again…
Living on your own is very different than living at home with your parents. I mean there are the obvious things: it is more lonely, no one is telling you what to do and when to do it, and your mom/dad isn’t there for you to run to when the going gets tough. But there are so many other weird things I am finding to be difficult:
You have to create your own spice collection
You have to vacuum the floors
You have to buy draino when there is hair in the bathroom drains from the previous tenants
You have to find the motivation to wash the dishes at night
You have to find the money to buy groceries, and ‘apartmenty’ things, and pay for wi-fi and rent and electricity
You have to meet new people and get used to different noises in your builidng
It is soo much easier to get caught up watching Netflix instead of getting anything done
You realize how much your parents and your mentors and your peers and your neighbors mean to you when all of a sudden it is all just not right in front of you anymore
Living on my own is great, don’t get me wrong. I love the freedom and capability to decide when I’m doing and what I’m eating and my own routine completely. But it’s hard, there’s no denying it. It’s lonely and every now and then it sucks. I would love to get letters and packages from people, but I don’t know who cares enough to send me anything…it would make me feel like I hadn’t lost home though, that’s for sure.
Last minute changes are usually scary. All of a sudden you have to remember new choreography for your show in 2 hours, or the parents you were going to babysit for want you there early so you have to hope to be able to rearrange your schedule for the afternoon. Those things can really suck, but when everything works out you can look back and be much happier with how things went.
Last minute life changes though? Those you can’t be 100% sure when you’ll be able to look back and see whether or not it was for the better or the worse. It’s scary. It’s unsettling. It is a totally unknown territory that you weren’t expecting to explore for 6 months…or a year…but you’re really just hoping that in the end it will work out for your benefit and you’ll be happy, because ultimately that’s all that matters: One’s happiness.
And that’s what I am striving for: Finding my happiness in this crazy roller coaster of a life. I am leaving a lot behind to go live on my own in Duluth and just dance opposed to my previous plan to go to school at the U of Iowa. I am leaving the stability of a school schedule, the closeness of everyone in a dorm, and the boy that I was really starting to fall for. I am leaving a meal plan, the knowledge of the budget and so much more. But hopefully I am gaining even more than I am leaving behind. I move into my one bedroom apartment on Monday and to say that I am scared out of my mind would be an understatement. The last time I wrote was 2 weeks before I was going to move South into a college dorm room with a roommate, now here I am 4 weeks later having completely changed my plans of action for this year, getting ready to head North to live on my own in a new city where I know literally 2 people. I hope it’s for the better, but I know for SURE that in 5 years I can’t look back and think to myself: “What if I would have made the decision to go chase my dreams?” Wish me luck!!
I leave in 2 weeks. HOLY CRAP! I LEAVE IN 2 WEEKS!! Like I can’t even control the emotions that overcome me when I think about it. In 2 weeks I will be at a new school, in a new city, surrounded by new people and sights and sounds…Don’t get me wrong, I am very excited to escape, but it scares the crap out of me. It doesn’t help that my parents started talking to me today about switching around my schedule and rethinking this whole college thing. Granted I brought it up a week ago or so but I figured I would get a semester or a year behind me before I changed my course of action. –I feel like this is completely run on but it’s flowing so I’m going to keep going– I have sort of decided that I want to scratch the whole college only thing and look into auditioning for a company or a more ballet based dance school. Not that Iowa isn’t going to be good, I’m just not entirely sure if it is what I’m looking for and having regrets before you even show up for the first day is a really scary place to be. That’s why I am currently listening to a “rainy day” playlist on Spotify, craving chocolate on chocolate and feeling like I want to cry. That’s normal…right?! Like what is going on with me?? And this guy that I wrote about like a week ago is being really confusing and I don’t know what to do about him anymore. He doesn’t seem to want to talk to me or make me happy or let me make him happy like we did before. He just seems very nonchalant towards me and I don’t know what changed. It stresses me out because he was one of the biggest reasons I was so excited about college. To go in with a guy would be something short of amazing and so not what I’m used to that it would be such a superb change. But now he’s acting weird and I don’t know why. i’ve asked if I did something wrong and he said no. I asked if he was okay and he said yes. But he just isn’t himself…or at least the ‘him’ that I was seemingly getting to know. I don’t know. Maybe it’s for the better so that I don’t feel tied down to someone right off the bat and can have an open eye for people throughout the start of the semester. But at the same time I was really looking forward to spending time with him and having someone to hold and love and to love me back. Is that too much to ask for??? What is going on with my life? I have so much to do and not enough time to do any of it let alone spend time dwelling on the “what if’s”, the “could’ve beens”, and the “should’ve beens”. Anyways now that I have completely confused the crap out of everyone including myself goodbye….
He makes me happy.
That’s the most I want in a guy.
He calls me darling, dear, sweetie and sunshine.
That makes me feel all warm on the inside.
He remembers the little details.
That makes me feel appreciated.
That makes me fall for him.
He’s good with kids.
That makes me smile from ear to ear.
He’s really sweet and tells me I’m perfect.
That makes me fall even deeper for him.
And then I sit here and realize:
We’ve only talked for a total of an hour tops.
We have only known each other for a little over a month.
We have had purely texting communication since mid-July.
We may not see each other in the same way once we are at college.
So what am I supposed to do? Do I continue to let him make me happy and feel good about myself? Or if I do that does that mean I’m leading him on.? Do I look forward to and plan for a possible future this fall at college with him? Or is that leading myself towards disappointment? There has never been a guy this interested in me, who wants to know how I’m doing each day and sends me cute good morning and goodnight texts and who calls me cute names and texts me first and makes me feel so good about myself. I can’t not enjoy his “company” right now but what if I don’t enjoy his actual company in Iowa? Then what am I supposed to do? Do I like the idea of him more than I like him? If so, that is in no way fair to him and I know it. Hellllp!