Overwhelmed

I leave in 2 weeks. HOLY CRAP! I LEAVE IN 2 WEEKS!! Like I can’t even control the emotions that overcome me when I think about it. In 2 weeks I will be at a new school, in a new city, surrounded by new people and sights and sounds…Don’t get me wrong, I am very excited to escape, but it scares the crap out of me. It doesn’t help that my parents started talking to me today about switching around my schedule and rethinking this whole college thing. Granted I brought it up a week ago or so but I figured I would get a semester or a year behind me before I changed my course of action. –I feel like this is completely run on but it’s flowing so I’m going to keep going– I have sort of decided that I want to scratch the whole college only thing and look into auditioning for a company or a more ballet based dance school. Not that Iowa isn’t going to be good, I’m just not entirely sure if it is what I’m looking for and having regrets before you even show up for the first day is a really scary place to be. That’s why I am currently listening to a “rainy day” playlist on Spotify, craving chocolate on chocolate and feeling like I want to cry. That’s normal…right?! Like what is going on with me?? And this guy that I wrote about like a week ago is being really confusing and I don’t know what to do about him anymore. He doesn’t seem to want to talk to me or make me happy or let me make him happy like we did before. He just seems very nonchalant towards me and I don’t know what changed. It stresses me out because he was one of the biggest reasons I was so excited about college. To go in with a guy would be something short of amazing and so not what I’m used to that it would be such a superb change. But now he’s acting weird and I don’t know why. i’ve asked if I did something wrong and he said no. I asked if he was okay and he said yes. But he just isn’t himself…or at least the ‘him’ that I was seemingly getting to know. I don’t know. Maybe it’s for the better so that I don’t feel tied down to someone right off the bat and can have an open eye for people throughout the start of the semester. But at the same time I was really looking forward to spending time with him and having someone to hold and love and to love me back. Is that too much to ask for??? What is going on with my life? I have so much to do and not enough time to do any of it let alone spend time dwelling on the “what if’s”, the “could’ve beens”, and the “should’ve beens”. Anyways now that I have completely confused the crap out of everyone including myself goodbye….

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