The good: I got to see my dance teachers who I haven’t seen for 2 weeks (which might not seem like much time but when you see them practically every Monday-Friday, 2 weeks feels like ages) this afternoon and sat in their living room talking about life. They give me such hope for a happy future whenever I see them. They welcomed me with open arms and I wish there could have been more time to talk. They welcomed me back anytime to vent or catch up or just simply for a hug and consolation that everything will be okay and I can guarantee that I will take them up on that offer.
The bad: Soo I haven’t seen my therapist in 7 weeks…
- The week that I left for my college visits I decided to stay home and use the excuse of packing because I didn’t feel like talking about everything prior to leaving for an already stressful week
- I was on my college audition tour
- My therapist was out of town
- It was tech week for my show
- I failed to get in contact with her
- Spring break-contacted her about a possible time but then I never returned the email
- She emailed me asking if I needed to come in and said she was worried about me…
Now though I feel like it’s been too long and I’m awkward in social situations so the appeal of going to therapy is no longer there. I know that I’m more than screwed up in more ways than one but I’m nervous about going back. So much has happened that I don’t even think I could put into words let alone say aloud. But shouldn’t I talk to someone? Shouldn’t I get an official depression screening and an eating disorder one as well? If I don’t go back then I know that neither of those will happen. Pros and cons, pros and cons.
The ugly: Since I know that I should tell someone the people I instantly think of telling are my past dance teachers. They know more about me than pretty much anyone else and I know they wouldn’t say anything that would hurt me but they would only want to help. With this being said I couldn’t bring myself to say anything and now I’m upset with myself. I want to drive back to their house and ask them if I can just talk and cry and have a hug. So much has been going on and I’ve put up a shield per usual to pretend that I’m fine. I haven’t voiced any of my thoughts or concerns to anyone and it scares me. My thoughts scare me and the longer I wait to share them the more it will tear me down and the less likely I will be to tell anyone since it will keep building up inside.