I Had a Plan

I oftentimes set goals for myself. They could be about what I’m going to accomplish in dance, what I will eat (or more importantly, not eat), how I will treat my family or what I will say to someone who I converse with. They could be little goals or big goals but they help me plan out my day, my year or my life.

Last year I decided that my future plans would be to dance at Butler University come fall of 2014. Now that can’t happen because I failed to get into the ballet program. My audition was a failure and my letter of rejection reflected it. Now what? Now what am I going to do? If only I knew…if only I knew. I have no idea now what the future holds and that is scary. I had a plan and I no longer can follow through with that plan.

This leads me to feeling hopeless and like a waste of space. I wasted my time staying home this year because my goal was to get into a school like Butler. That was the main purpose of staying here in town. But now that that didn’t happen…what did? Yes I have been given some great opportunities but is it all even worth it anymore? It’s confusing and I don’t like spending time thinking about it but I can’t not think about. My plans have been crushed and now I may just give up. Not only on that plan but all plans. Wednesday night while lying in bed at 1:00am I had a vivid plan for what I would do Thursday night to surrender to this world and give it all up. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?? I wish I didn’t think this way but sometimes I can’t help it. I had a plan and seriously considered following through. That is scary beyond belief and I haven’t told anyone. I don’t know who to tell…

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One thought on “I Had a Plan

  1. Pingback: Am I Repeating Myself? | StrongTilTheEnd

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