Courage

Wow…It’s been a while. And surprise surprise I am still struggling. Yay! My most recent therapy session was the toughest one yet. I was on the verge of tears which is very rare for me to begin with let alone in front of other people. She is asking me to find the courage to do 3 big acts of stepping out of my comfort zone and figuring out my life. I would love to do it to help myself, don’t get me wrong, but I am scared. I want to talk to someone about it but I don’t even have the courage to actually say the words aloud. So instead I will pile it onto you and at least it won’t be completely secretive inside.

Act 1: Set up an appointment at my local clinic to have an official evaluation for major depression. This would include questionnaires and the like to decide whether there is a true chemical imbalance in my brain and if a medication could help with my serotonin levels on top of figuring out how to better take on my life.

Act 2: Set up an appointment at my clinic with an eating disorder specialist to have an eating disorder evaluation. This scares me even more than the first. I’ve never wanted to admit to anyone that I have problems when it comes to food and eating and body image. I have admitted it to all of you but it takes a lot out of me to say anything about it out loud. To have an actual diagnosis looming over my head of what I deal with will obviously help me recover to the best of my ability and live my life to its fullest, but I can’t lie and say that it doesn’t scare me.

Act 3: Sadly, this one makes me the most nervous. Bring my parents into a session with my therapist and explain that I have been struggling this year and have made the choice to help myself. Now I need their financial support to set up the appointments outlined above. This doesn’t mean that I have to tell them what I’m doing, where I’m going or how anything is changing but I need their support to move forward and become myself again.

To say that I need courage would be an understatement. To say that I am happy would be a lie. And to say that I’m not scared out of my mind would be a disaster in and of itself. I really want to do this and I really don’t. I want someone to talk to and hear their opinions on it just to know that I really am not alone. But when you pretty much have no friends it makes this sort of thing even tougher.

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