Weight Can’t Control How You Feel

It can’t. It can’t. It can’t. Weight is merely a number. It can not determine whether you have a good day or a bad day. It can’t make the decision for you about anything. You are still loved. You are still cared for. You have the same responsibilities to uphold no matter what your size. Weight should not be a focus of people’s lives, but sadly it is. It is a focus of mine. It is a focus of my neighbor’s. It is a focus of people that I would never think to be focused on it. It is a sad truth that we need to overcome…

Why I’m discussing this today is because of my personal situations regarding weight and size and appearance. I majorly struggle with all of this. I know that I am not overweight but I do not know that I am not fat. People can tell me whatever they want but it won’t change how I feel regarding it. The past few days have been really hard for me to get through mentally and emotionally. Therefore I have put my reliance on food to keep me sane. This sounds crazy because I know it will drive me up a wall later but in the present moment sometimes food can help calm me and relax me. Stupid? Yes. Does it work? Sometimes. Is it healthy? Hell NO. Yet I continue with these behaviors. The past couple of days I haven’t been able to stop eating. So today when I had to put on my leotard and tights for class I feared the outcome. As usual I weighed myself prior to doing so and guess what? I had lost weight since yesterday. But how? How is this humanly possible? How was that number smaller than yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that, and all the way since January 17th? How and why did this happen? But just because my weight went down does not mean that I was happy with how I looked in my tight clothing. I still saw every flaw and I still felt worse than I did on Thursday. My number may have been lower but it did not mean that I felt any better about myself. Weight is and only can be a number. I know that I should not focus so much time and energy on such a small thing since it doesn’t determine how I feel in my body no matter how small. It is a hard barrier to overcome because I know that I am not happy with any of it but somehow I need to find the inner strength to get past it…

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