Why Do I Do This To Myself?

Why? Why ruin myself and my body just for a small moment of satisfaction? I constantly hate myself. But even more after I do something stupid. Why am I so stupid? Why don’t I know how to simply live my life? I feel like I keep on messing up and the struggles get harder and more complicated to explain. I let myself eat a brownie, some ice cream, another brownie, a third fucking brownie plus chocolate and pita chips and another piece of chocolate. But why? Do I really feel better after doing this? No. Never. Yet I continue to live on this way. I continue to let my cracked fingers bleed because the external pain takes away from the pain within. I just watch them bleed. I do nothing to take care of them. I wake up in the morning and check to see how they’re doing secretly hoping that they are still cracked and bloody. But why? That’s disgusting. Yet I continue to do it. Today has been a horrible day. I have let my feelings and emotions totally dominate how my day has gone. I’ve been depressed and upset and feeling triggered to just do something to relieve me of my internal pain. What you ask? I don’t know. But something. Then there’s the external pain of my ankle that I just let keep on hurting. I don’t want to take care of my ankle because it’s frustrating and seems to be controlling my life. I don’t want it to. I don’t want to have to stop doing what I’m doing just because of some uncomfortable pain. I’m sick and tired of being invisibly sick and tired. There’s a part of me that just wishes everyone knew what I was dealing with right now instead of slapping on a smile and acting as though everything is just dandy. It’s not. I’m not. I’m done.

…wow what a rant…

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