So the question arises: Does Ashley even have social anxiety? And I wish I knew the answer. My therapist in the spring told me that it was very likely based on the little amount of information that I told her, but I don’t have an “official” diagnosis. But in my opinion I haven’t even been officially diagnosed with depression either, but it’s kind of a no-brainer now that yes, am depressed. I do get anxious in social situations so it would make sense if I did have social anxiety. But I am also socially awkward and there is a fine line between when I am awkward vs. extremely anxious and therefore becoming awkward. So I don’t really know for sure. Nonetheless I hung out with friends last night and it was slightly uncomfortable. Was it nice to see my friends? Yes! Was it nice to hear about their college experiences? Yes! Was it a nice reminder of how I am not in college? Sadly…yes. Was it a nice reminder that I haven’t met anyone new this year? Yes again…it just added up to a whole big pile of awkwardness causing me to question my goals and plans and past decisions for the millionth time this year. And that sucks.
I know that good things have come of me staying home this year, such as having a better relationship with my dance teachers and getting to know people better through dance. But also bad things: My eating habits are out of whack. I’m even more of a hermit. My ankle is currently getting worse instead of getting better had I chosen to go to college but not for dance. There are just so many negatives that it’s hard to focus on the positives. I am currently sitting in my room with 2 lap tops, an iphone, 5 cookies and some blankets on my bed. Plus there is chocolate near by. But whyy? Why do I feel the need to eat and punish myself later for it? Why am I connected to technology? Why don’t I communicate with people? I just don’t get it and I hate it.